Memories In a Garbage Bag

I haven’t written in a while, and I promised I would try harder to write. I will, I just have to have something meaninful happen in my life or be inspired. And, I was on Wednesday.

Last week, my mom called me. She told me Darren’s mom finally cleaned out Darren’s house, and in return, gave us all of Kerri’s stuff back. I haven’t seen Kerri’s stuff in over two years. I wasn’t sure of the emotions it would evoke. So, I started driving to class on Wednesday. It was a gorgeous Chicago day- “severe clear” as they call, not a single fluffy cloud in the sky. I drove to the train station- parking lot full. I drove all the way downtown, one spot open, but… I wasn’t feeling very scholarly that day. I called my mom, and told her I didn’t feel like going to class today. She told me to come over.

On Sunday, me and my brother had a “homework party” at my apartment. We started doing the usual studying, when he brought up religion. My brother has grown so much spiritually in the past couple months, that he is a completely different person. We started on the talk of what we believe, and what God means to us. The past two weeks at church, our pastor was talking about spritual gifts. Jim told me he prayed for me all the time. “I think I have the spiritual gift of prayer. Whenever I pray, my prayers are answered. I prayed for you to start going to church, and you haven’t missed a sermon in over a month.” I was shocked. He was right. The past month, every Sunday, no matter how little sleep or got or how much rum I consumed the night before, I always woke up, drove to my parents house and went to church. I didn’t even know what inspired me to go. I just… went. And I loved it. I have finally gotten past the point where every time I enter the doors to the auditorium I would cry. The music would just move me, and my love of God would bring tears to my eyes. Now, I just go and and praise God, and my week goes better. I have been praying more often, been listening to Christian radio stations, and just feeling a bit more fulfilled.

As I approached my parents house on Wednesday afternoon, I felt the need to tell my mom about my brother. We talked for a while, and I thought of Kerri. “Let’s look through her stuff, mom.” We went dowstairs, opened up the grabage bag, and started to dig through. I found half of my winter wardrobe in there! My long sleeve Creed concert shirt, my toe ring sandals, my comfiest long sleeve shirt. Then, I came to stuff that wasn’t mine. Things that were hers. Everytime I picked up a shirt, I brought it in close to my face, and tried to smell Kerri. It was gone. The smell of nicotine and vanilla perfume had left her clothes. It didn’t matter, I felt her presence there. I left with all of my clothes she had ganked over the years and some of the things I knew she would want me to have- two of her hippy shirts, a skirt so long, it had dirt stains on the hem, and her infamous suede brown fringe jacket. It’s a little dated, but then again, so was Kerri. As we looked through everything, I could tell my mom was feeling lost. I hugged her close, and told her, “She didn’t belong here mom, she is so much better off not being here, where she can be tempted.” I knew the real reason she was teary eyed. Sarah… she wasn’t doing much better. We have all prayed countless hours for God to reach her, and show her the error of her ways, and sometimes, it just feels like God isn’t listening. I pray for her safety, and I hope she realizes that that perfect child she has is a gift from God.

It was hard to go through Kerri’s stuff, and when I got in the car, I heard that song, “I could only imagine”. The one with the chorus that sounds exactly like what Kerri would say when she met God face to face. I miss her so much. I hope she realizes how much we love her, and I hope she tells God of our prayers.

I am glad I am back in touch with God. I really needed something to believe in, even if it was just for a few days. Thank you God. Thank you, for you.