True Romance

I have decided that it is time for me to have a true romance. I just finished watching Kate and Leopold. Stupid movie, stupid plot, but one main theme- Fairy tale romance. Romance that sweeps you off your feet, kisses that leave your lips swollen and begging for more. I want a guy to bring me flowers, I want to go on one REAL date. A date that ends with him walking me to my door, me thanking him for a fantastic evening, and that one moment: the kiss. The cool night air brushing my hair into disarray, his hand gently cradled against my cheek, and seconds seem like hours until our lips touch, both of us taking in air through our noses and that little sound of a “smack” when our lips finally break apart.

I have had my fun. I have done the whole wild sex thing, and I’m over it. I am ready to start great relationship number two in my life. With Raf? Who knows. But, I am definitely starting to feel that giddiness. The last time he was over, we didn’t go to bed until the sun was up. He woke me up with an eskimo kiss, then kissed my forehead and said, “We are nerds.” After that, he held me, nuzzling his head into the back of my neck, gently kissing it. At one point, our breathing became synchronized. And I fell asleep smiling. I don’t know what is going on with him. But, I do know that I felt terrible about Thursday night.

I invited Brian… for God knows what reason. Maybe to show him my new guy, to show him I had moved on or something. Who knows? But, Thursday night, I asked Brian to stay, not Raf. I wanted Raf to stay. I don’t know what was running through my brain to ask Brian to stay. Maybe because for just a few moments, I felt close to him again. But, I blew it with Raf. I thought he would never speak to me again. I was wrong. He was still chatting with me, making jokes, “kitty pawing” my mess of hair on top of my head. I don’t know what it is about Raf. We have been friends for nearly three years now. My friend, Shannon, at school, says that things happened because he is in love with me. She had a very interesting theory. “As far back as you look, the only reason you are every friends with a member of the oppisite sex is because one of the people is attracted to the other.” And I looked back… it’s true! If I look back at my strange chain of relationships: starts with Brian, moves to Jake, and Ron, and Aaron C., and Raf, and those are just guys that I liked. It’s impossible to be just friends with a guy: it’s the “When Harry Met Sally” complex.

So, Raf… yeah… no idea what will happen. I am probably reading WAY too much into it, as I am known for doing. But, it’s strange that if there was no chemistry between us that this thing would happen over and over again… and each time, he spends the night. And each morning, he wraps his arm around me and nuzzles right in that place on my neck. It was just what I needed. He made me feel special, wanted, needed. Who knows where it will go? I am just glad that Thursday night did not ruin everything. And I hope that if we do become exclusive, he knows that I won’t do that to him.. .take some other guy to bed with me just because of alcohol induced lust. I won’t be intoxicated by Brian anymore, and I told him that today when I called him, and told him never to talk to me again. It will be painful for a bit, but, I didn’t cry last night- I wrote that I would, but I didn’t. I am done with him, and I am over the self-massicism I used to indulge in. I won’t be hurt by lies and deceit anymore. Wish me luck. True romance, I’m looking for you- find me first.