*What You Do TO Me*

Somtimes… I just wonder. I sit and think…Where would I be if I changed certain situations or where I’d be if I just gave into a chance.

The past month has been one of the hardest in my  life. I can’t verbally say what’s been happening because I do not need the world knowing… and I can’t even explain it to my friends. * I know you all care- I just cant say it*

So which leads me to thinking that I need to step up in my life and make better choices. Find responsible and trustworthy guys because for some reason I get stuck with jerks. I get "cheated" , used, lied to, and who knows what else I don’t know about. Everyone has told me I need to trust more and confide in someone.

It always turns out that when I do I ended up too close and I don’t need that either because everytime I do get that close something bad ends up happening.

I’m trying to pull myself together on the inside and on the outside I’m doing the best to bring up my self-esteem again.

Being single for 3 years does put a damper on things but sometimes I feel alright being single. Sure, there’s the guys who want you for just sex (which pisses me off) ‘cuz that’s not what I’m looking for right now. It’s all I seem to find tho. Guys who just want to fool around or mess with my head. Even if I say that’s not what I’m going to do they look at me weird and leave or they just laugh and say "ok" and later on try something and see how I react. I seriously am stating to hate the male population. 

Until I find an actual guy who cares about me more than the physical attributes of me, I’m like.. idk screwed ? What is so wrong with being around me? I know I’m more conservative… I do go out of my comfort zones alot for people, and I’m not a slut who sleeps around. I’ve been told i have good morals, that i have tons of potential for a relationship.. then why cant I find a guy who will take that leap of faith and want to see what I’m all about? Then sometimes I just want to say screw it and know that God has a plan for me and I’ll just need to wait for it to go into affect. 

I really hate the whole waiting thing… but oh well. Alright. I guess I’ve talked enough for this time around.

My goals involve: 

Find a non douchebag

Don’t let guys push me around

Build my self-esteem to where it was

Be happy

And pray alot more