I SEE THE GOD IN YOU

so miss me much? yeah, i know you do. but it’s ok because i think i finally got my mojo back.  Im in the writing mood so get ready.  Let me first paint a picture for you.  Im sitting in my dorm room listening to India Aire’s first CD. the sun is pouring into my window. Im sitting at my desk in a black tank top and red plaid pajama pants, a little too short. there is an unfinished bowl of maple and brown sugar oatmeal to my right and people passing lazily by my door to my left. and im feeling good. Georgina went home for the weekend and she isnt coming back until tuesday or wednesday, which is music to my ears. I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately, but of course, when am i not? a few things have been really making it hard for me to just relax and enjoy the world.  as i mentioned before, there was the whole georgina thing. Even though we worked everything out and came to a happy place about the whole situation, its not all perfect between us.  because u see even though the situation has been resolved, i learned something very important about gina during this whole SHEBANG. I learned that georgina is not the kind of girl i want in my close group of friends. there are people that i feel like will be there for me no matter wat. i can share anything with them (if i choose), and most important i can trust them and even if there is some momentary lapse in my trust i can ALWAYS respect them, and they respect me. Bridget, Nia, Gigi, Jeff, Cash. there are other people who i feel are incredibly close friends and they mean alot to me too, but these are my best friends. i have known these people for years and i respect them immensely as trustworthy, loving, and mature adults that make my life a little easier just by having them around.  These people do not complicate my life, they liberate me. they are constantly letting me know through their actions and sometimes through their words that i can turn to them when i need to. i know that in these people i have a shoulder upon which i can cry, lean, or get a leg up.  and i hope know that they feel the same way about me.

i do not feel like i can put gina with these people. and of course i understand that we have known eachother for only 7 months in comparison to the almost 7 YEARS that i have known bridget, nia, and gigi. however, i think the time that gina and i have spent together is enough for me to make an acurate assessment of what kind of person she is. and i care about her deeply. i want her to have a happy life and i hope that she is successful in the future BUT i do not think that i will make myself a part of her future.  I have some problems with her as a person and as a friend. my respect for her is a limited one and i do not trust her. i have learned that gina’s primary responsibility is to herself. her feelings, wants, desires, plans, are all more important than how i feel, or what i want.  you can see that in the small things that she does. For example, if we are late to class and im ready and she is not, i wait for her to get ready even though that is making me even later to my own class. i do that because i know she doesnt like walking to class alone.  but if the story is the other way around, she is already down the hall and halfway out the building while i am scrambling to get my jacket on and catch up to her. On a bigger scale, she felt it ok to hook up with someone i liked right in front of me. and it’s hard to admit that i was so bothered by that. i feel childish for citing a boy as one of the things that has weakened my respect for her. but it’s the truth.  i have never had a problem like this with any of my close girlfriends. it’s never come up. and thats not to say that we havent liked the same guy before, because we have, but we have never let those things get in between us. even when bridget lost her virginity to charles we were ok. bridget never threw it in my face and she wouldnt have done anything with him had i not encouraged her to go for it. hmmm, the point is that i have never felt that any of my girlfriends have chosen a guy over me, and with gina that happens on a regular basis.  time spent with her dick of the week has always been more important than what i want or how i feel.  and even after everything that has happened she continues to pursue jason and let him pursue her. she makes no attempt to end it or even work a litle harder to hide it. for some reason, it has taken me this long to realize it.  and that makes me feel silly, but im not mad. these things take time and learning about a person’s true character takes awhile. but now that i know i have come to a decision. i will make this work for the next three weeks until the end of the semester and then i will return to new york and work on lessening the time i spend with her or talking to her. because she is fun and a nice girl, so its not like im going to completely stop talking to her,  but i think its dangerous to keep her too close. because like i said, my kind of friend makes my life easier, and she doesnt quite do that. so i need to keep her at arms length so that we can have good times together but her general selfishness can no longer hurt me. sound like a plan? yeah, here’s another plan …. taking off next semester and trying to transfer to barnard 😉

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yeah that’s the plan. before gina and i went crazy with the boy situation, i was dealing with another problem. and that was i discovered that drew might not be the place for me. its a very scary way to feel and even though i think i have made myself a logical plan about how im going to spend the next year, i still get butterflies when i think about it.  i wont go into all of the tiny details that i have lead me to come to this decision because it took me three days to figure it out and would take even longer to try and explain to you guys. but this is the general plan: i’m going to spend the summer back in new york (thanks  be to the gods because i miss new york this time of year SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!) working.  when the fall semester comes i will stay in new york, continue working, help my sister apply to colleges, while working on my own transfer applications. then if i get into barnard i will go there for the spring. if i dont get into barnard but i get into some of the other schools then i will have to think long and hard about if i want to go even farther than jersey because all of the schools that i am applying to besides barnard are farther away than drew. and if i dont get into any of them, then i will be back here. but if i come back here, things are going to be very different. if im coming back to drew then i will work my ass off to get into an amazing law school. because a degree from drew isnt the best degree in the world, but i can make the best of the education that im getting if i really want to. so thats the plan basically. it was so hard coming up with this plan though because im afraid of change and a bit lazy  and on top of that different people were telling me different things. but right now, my mother has become my best friend. she and i had a chat once i decided what i wan

ted to do. she told me that it was ok and right now her opinion is the only one that really matters.

i am nervous though. i havent gotten a summer job yet. no one but this summer camp responded to my resumes and i cant accept the camp job because its not in new york and it doesnt pay enough. and on top of that i still dont know if taking the semester off and transferring to a harder school is a good idea. because wat if straight A’s at drew will get me farther in life than B’s (which is what i would be getting) at barnard? anywho, im trying not to let my self worry like that. so right now im sticking to the facts. wanna know another fact? I MISS NEW YORK!!!

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that’s right. im dying to be in new york right now .its spring time. do u remember wat spring in new york was like for me? spring break from brearley was amazing. i would babysit and i always ended up hanging out at night in the warm beautiful city. i would chill with people like charles, lamar, bridget and it was amazing. AMAZING! i miss it. i miss it soo sooo sooooo much and i cant wait to be back there. {sigh} take me away ……..