LOL funny e-mail

[]

i sent a message to an e-bayer to see how much shipping would be on the item she was selling and here’s the response i got:

I am going to say $9… i can’t look it up because i’m in labor now…sorry!

Karissa

LMAO

some forwards…

Two Old Ladies

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight

up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

“Gladys!” he exclaimed, “For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”

6 Different Affairs

1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day

they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,

they fell asleep and woke

up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his

shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his

wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an

affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”

She looked down at his shoes and said:

“You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but! always

talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for

the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful

father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified

at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s

no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful

daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.

Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow

you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must

be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his

briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all

over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I

tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh

it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so much, I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, have

this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody

offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be 10p.” “10p?” the man exclaimed. He

glanced at the menu and asked: ? How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?” “5p,” the barman replied. “5p?” exclaimed the man.

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business

down here.”

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said

weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to, ”

his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I

slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and

your mother!”

“I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison work.”