on breastfeeding *dephomo

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one of my faves got me thinking the other day about it and i ask myself what’s so enjoyable about it? i’m on mothering.com all the time and the moms on there all seem to actually enjoy it. i find it to be completely inconvenient and not all that enjoyable. i don’t hate it and i think i am bonding with beau faster than i did with sawyer (not sure though—i also sleep beside him most of the night, so that’s part of it), but love it? enjoy it? not yet.

i feel like i’m almost trapped. like i never have time to myself. worst of all, i don’t feel like my body is my own right now. i am either breastfeeding or holding my very fussy 2-month-old, taking care of sawyer (have him sitting close to me etc.), being mauled by dennis , or being mauled by a cat  who is very lonely right now. i just want time to myself so badly. it doesn’t help that beau only goes every 2 hours or less between feedings. it makes going out a nightmare and the only person who wants to watch him if i do go out is dennis because he’s used to the crying. my mom’s afraid beau will start to scream and she won’t be sure why (it is hard to tell sometimes for us even.) she’s glad to help out but fears being left alone with him, i think. she gets pretty surprised/distressed by his crying…even though i was colicky. so. i’m stuck.

we can’t afford to go with formula and i really don’t want to. he has started to eat pretty much off only one side the last couple days, here and there. i’m hoping that will help me to feel a little more free. i’m really hoping he stops all this crying around 3 months like sawyer did. that will help big time. i have to walk around holding him SO MUCH. it’s killing my shoulders and back. he seems to be doing better these days. he’s sleeping a bit more during the day.

one thing i am thankful for is that he sleeps pretty well at night. he loves to sleep near mommy, i guess. we often put him in the bassinet when we first go to bed, if he doesn’t wake up and start to cry, and he will sleep for about 3 hours then (last night, i think he slept from about midnight–ate earlier though–until about 3, ate, and then ate again at 6 but not sure.) what happens though?! dennis thinks to himself, hey the baby is asleep. let’s do it. no no no. let’s not. ugh. and i feel so bad that he’s the one i have to sacrifice. myself too, really. it’s not like i don’t enjoy sex too! but something has to be omitted and that is it. i can’t omit sawyer and beau. i’ve pretty much lost all time for myself. sometimes i do let him have his way with me but not often. and i can’t even let him touch my breasts. it’s too confusing right now.

*sighs*

wasn’t this supposed to be better? i’m so jealous of those moms who have babies who go every 4 hours between feedings. or even 3. at least our latch is fixed up. i’m glad for that. that made things really tough in the early days.

and all the crying.

it’s tough. very tough.

at least sawyer seems to be back to pottying. again.

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