Crossroads of Connection
I don’t understand what is going on inside my brain. The fluctuations in emotion are unexplainable. If I get more than a few hours of sleep when I wake up, I think about a particular person, which brings me down. It takes at least two coffees and four to five cigarettes before I can shake that off and even think about what kind of clusterfuck of a day I am going to have to deal with.
What is going to go wrong at work?
Will my son be okay at school today?
Will my daughter continue to rebel and fight the system, straying so far from the amazing academic she was just a few months ago?
What will my wife and I fight about tonight, or what will she say or do that I have to swallow and bite my lip over in order not to explode?
It’s hard to enjoy social media at the moment as the good old AI gives you more and more content of what you have been watching lately or listening to, so the more I listen to these songs that resonate so true, the more they come up.
The more I watch men’s mental health items to try and gain some perspective or hope, the more they come up.
Life sucks, then you die, right? At least, that’s what I’ve heard people say. My life hasn’t sucked, it hasn’t been amazing either, far from it, but it’s had its moments—moments of passion, moments of joy, moments of stupidity and ignorance, but even combined, none of it currently outweighs the moments of pain, as they are all coming back, with some new ones too.
“All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless
But feel like it’s all that I need
Somethin’ inside of me’s broken
I hold on to anything that sets me free
I’m a lost cause
Baby, don’t waste your time on me
I’m so damaged beyond repair
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams”
Save Me – by Jelly Roll
I took some advice and jumped a flight from one state to another to work from one of our other offices for a week. It’s been great to clear my head from some of the family commitments and resentment towards my wife (is it resentment?). Maybe it’s anger; I don’t know anymore.
It has made catching up on and concentrating on work much easier, but all the time, I don’t have to be working, or the chances I can get to put a few minutes into social media get me thinking about a friendship.
Friendship… Now, that’s a term on its own.
It’s funny; I went out last Friday night (19th) with my brother, had a few pints, and went and played some poker; it turns out I am not very good at that. More pints. As we were leaving, there was a group of men hassling a young dude who worked at the bottle shop for refusing to serve them, carrying on, swearing, threatening him, and ready to pulverize this poor Indian kid.
That perfect moment, the one I had been waiting for, to literally rip some fuckers’ heads off and shit down their necks. To release and “Go Full Tongan!” on these motherfuckers.
So I walked over to the drive-through, instructed the young man to close the security doors, hold my jacket and call the police.
As I turned around to speak to the mouth of the group, he was pushed aside, and the “big guy” came forward. I actually laughed out loud and said, “aww sweetie, I’ve been through bigger men to get to the fight. Are you sure you want to do this?”
And that’s when it happened: a voice from the road yelled at him, “Nath! Don’t, that’s Tee! The one I told you about.” He apologised and left.
They all did; as they started walking off, the police pulled in two units, one divvy van and the 251. As they saw the boys running off, the Conny beelined directly for me. I don’t blame him; I was still ready to have fun. As he reached me and one reached out towards me, his offsider pulled him up knowing who I am and asked if all was okay.
I responded, “Of course, but these bastards scared off my taxi.” As I do a substantial amount of work with these members, they politely (against regs) gave me a lift back into the CBD and dropped me off at another establishment.
As I was entering, a woman was walking towards me with a great big smile and legs for days, and she said, “Don’t do it. They are all children in there; we’re too old for this” (we are both 40). Of course, as the gentleman I am, I told her, “If you leave, then I’m too old to be here; if you stay for a drink, then ‘we’ won’t be,” and she did.
We both stayed until close, compared war stories. It turns out we have several very close connections. It was odd that out of 110,000 people in our little city, I met someone who knew as much about the little country town I grew up in as I did. Her aunt was one of my high school teachers. I went to school with several of her cousins. In fact, I once dated one of the said cousins in school. I’ve eaten her late grandmother’s famous Grandma Jones Vegetable Soup. We shared the obligatory selfie, which she then sent to all the family members, stating who she had met. That led to some interesting messages from her family to both of us, including a schoolteacher from my children’s school.
She is not a smoker but was happy to sit outside and talk with me for the next five hours. We talked about our children, our lives, careers, anything and everything—her divorce, the strange world of dating in your 40s, the hurts and pains of my marriage, my friendships, and life in general—all while I smoked like a chimney. She commented and asked why so many people approached me through the night, offering me drinks, cigarettes, or anything, and asked, “Are you famous?” I replied, “No, I’ve just supported a lot of people during some dark times.”
The night ended, and I walked her to the taxi rank. She offered to share a cab as she lives near where I also live, which was a nice gesture. I declined. It was a great chat, and the person was lovely to talk to. I’ve had maybe a dozen messages since, but as I said to her, I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship with anyone. I have a wife. I was looking for a friendship.
She asked what sort of friendship it was and if she could define it or specify it, a friend, a platonic friend, or something else. As she felt there was something and wanted to explore that. So, I sent her the literal definitions.
Friendship: A friend is someone with whom you have a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. Friends offer companionship, support, and enjoyment and often share similar interests or experiences. Friendship involves trust, understanding, honesty, and communication, forming a key part of human social life.
Platonic Friend: A platonic friend is someone with whom you share a close, intimate relationship that is non-romantic and non-sexual. This type of friendship is marked by deep affection, trust, and a profound emotional connection. Platonic friends value each other’s company, support each other through life’s challenges, and share joys and sorrows without the elements of romantic or sexual attraction. These relationships often resemble those of close siblings or companions, emphasising mutual respect and a strong, enduring bond.
I said just a friend because I had a very close platonic friend, and I made it awkward. I don’t need to replace anyone; I am very flattered, I am. It was nice to know that, in some ways, “I still got it”, but the platonic friendship was special to me, and I am currently working on a few personal bumps.
Don’t get me wrong—she is smoking hot. She has a career at a government agency and excels with a recent promotion. Ironically, we will probably be dealing with each other more in the future since the promotion.
I appreciated the advances and the candour, but it’s a no.
I don’t need a rebound friend; I want my friend back!!!
The way you are
Girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Just the Way You Are
Song by Bruno Mars