Before the Dawn

 I found out the release date of our favorite band’s new album. I reached for my phone to text you out of habit. The immense coldness of the brutal truth that I couldn’t, rapidly destroyed my happiness that I was feeling from that exciting news.
I don’t want all of the memories to just be sadness, and longing of what use to be.
The day their last album came out, you skipped school and we went out and each bought a copy. All those days we thought we were so "misunderstood" with wearing our black clothes and listening to dark rock music in my room with the lights off. Our lives were just so tormenting because the cheerleaders thought we didn’t believe in Jesus.

All the time we spent together. How can it be over so quickly?  Where did it stop being the same? When did we grow so far apart? When did we each change so drastically that this is what it all has become?
I thought we’d never turn out to be the people who only see one another once every couple of years by only running in to each other at the grocery store by chance, or some equivalent. Small talk. That’s not us.

I don’t know where we’re going, but I know what we’ve been. We’ve been hiding from each other in a sorts.
I know you mean well though, your long and ancient code of ethics you’ve never truly lost touch with. That passion for life and living it to the fullest, the innocence of the unknowing.

Take it all back. Is it possible? To question that possibility but I’m just left drawing a blank, help me out. Maybe there is a resolution for this mess. All the angry and selfish words spoken. All the cruel statements and harsh judgements. All of those things, they weren’t meant.
It’s easy to put all of the blame on you. I know though, that our lives naturally grew apart. We wanted different things. It’s how life goes.

Now though, it just feels as though I’ve forever lost you and it breaks my heart.
Do I live in the past? You’re sure that I do. But whoever says that they don’t, is lying. There’s always things and moments that you want to change or want back. I’m not wishing to go back to the past, or to alter it in any way. I’m not stuck in the past. I’m very aware nothing can or will ever be the same as it once was and living in the past will get you nowhere. However, I know similar things can be a part of your present and future, if you allow it.

That warm feeling that I always felt from you, I can’t seem to find anymore. Something’s missing, that just feels like it was forgotten along the way. Perhaps though it really is me. I can accept your thoughts that you have about me. Most of them are probably accurate.

Maybe it is all my fault somehow. I’m able to accept that now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have hurt you and pushed you so far away that this is all there is left. 
But I know however, that saying I’m sorry, won’t change anything. I wish that it would. I feel like it’s just all so vastly different now, like we’re so inconsistent from one another, an awkward strangeness that’s uncomfortably plaguing.
Nothing familiar feels graspable.

I miss you dearly, and I love you. They’ll always be a part of you with me, for all of the times we shared, all of the time spent and memories made. I just wish I could make you know that.

So this is how I’ll deal. How I always deal. At 4 in the morning, I will listen to Evanescence and write in my online diary about my feelings of missing my best friend.

Love,
Amy