Fighting Alone

Was feeling upset and decided to come online to type an entry. When my browser opened up, I saw this news on someone by the name of James Kim who had died in a desperate but vain attempt to save his family lost on Nov 25 in the bone-chilling cold of a snowbound forest in Oregon in the US.

Suddenly I felt my problem was so insignificant.

Anyway, what I wanted to write abt is my wedding preparations. We would love to have everything simplified. But my parents want to have things the traditional way. Well, not very tradition, but still a fair bit of work to be done. And J would always grumble when we are required to do certain "compulsory" things. And when he grumbles, I will tend as if it’s my fault becoz I know he dont want to do all these in the first plc but he has to do it becoz of our parents’ requirements. Sometimes I feel caught in the middle. And when I feel so, I feel as if I am fighting alone, esp when I seemed to be doing all the preparations by myself. When we go for bridal fittings, he will ask me if I need him to go along. I know he will go lah but still, I dun like it when he asks me that question becoz it makes him seems so uninterested. And when my parents talked abt buying gold for me and for him (for tea ceremony), he asked me if it was necessary to buy gold, couldnt we do away with all that… etc. And when his mum asked me abt going to choose gold for my dowry, he also made some stupid remarks.

Argh.

Just this morning, my mum was complaining that it was so difficult to get J to go choose his ring (which they are supposed to give him during the tea ceremony). I felt angry when she said that becoz that was not true. In fact, she has nvr mentioned abt going to buy the ring b4. I guess she assumed we are busy as I am always not at home on Sat and Sun. But then, things can always be arranged if she let us know in advance. But of coz, I seriously doubt if J wants to go.

Dumb.

We are going for our photo shoot next Sat. I think he’s not looking fwd to it at all. The other day when we were in the bridal shop for our fitting, he browsed those sample photo albums at the shop and after that he told me, "that’s not the way marriage is abt". I mean I agree with him that marriage is not a bed of roses but I think he can save those comments… Haha.

Sigh. I love him but sometimes I feel all these preparations is too much for me to bear. Damn.

Tomorrow marks our 6th year together.

Saturday, 1146 hrs.