New to this
4/18
so i am new to having a diary (with the exclusion of having one when i was like 10) but i feel as though i need a way to get things off my chest and put my feelings out there. i don’t even care if anybody doesn’t read this. i just hope it has some therapeutic effect for me.
i have gain about 50 lbs in the last yr and a half. i am struggling HARD at losing. although i have not tried really hard i do watch what i eat most of the time. i am ashamed to go to the gym even though i am a member at one. i went shopping this past weekend for something to wear to a girlfriends bday party. talk about discouraging. i just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay in bed. i just feel horrible about myself. my marriage is struggling. my weight is increasing. my confidence is gone. my clothes don’t fit. this is just dumb. this is the heaviest i’ve been since i had my first kid. i’ve never been skinny but when covid hit and i had decreased hours at work i used those hours to work out. everyday. and i loved it. i loved it and i got down to like 179. i was so proud of myself. i felt good. i had energy. i feel like i was starting to like me. i’m depressed because i’m fat, i’m fat because i eat too much, i eat too much because i’m depressed. i’m just a fuckin’ mess. will it get better? won’t it? i don’t really know.
my marriage is a whole other shebang. i don’t even know if i want to get into that today. i may just save that for another day.
i really need a kick in the ass to get myself to work out again. i know it made me feel better, i looked better, i was just better all around. what exactly in the hell am i doing. we’re supposed to be going on vacation this fall. i look like a friggin hippo. bathing suit…yikes. don’t even wanna think about it. i really would like to wear a turtle neck everyday to cover up my double chin. which i didn’t think was that bad until i saw pictures from this weekend. wowza. fml.
everything right now just seems so …. i don’t even have words for how my personal life is going. all seems to be losing hope except for the love for my kids. they’re everything and if it was just me and them, i would be okay with that.
I really feel this!
I’m in the same boat as you. I gained so much weight. I’m 247lbs. It’s crazy because I’ve never been this big. I use to go to the gym just like you and I loved it. I still have a membership but just cannot motivate myself to go. I know if I’d just do it I would lose weight and feel better about myself. Have energy to do thing. Ect. But I can’t for the life of me force myself to go. Maybe it’s because I’m embarrassed or have nothing to wear to the gym. I sometimes use the excuse that I don’t want to get dressed to not go places. I hate trying to find something to fit me.my husband will say “just go by yourself an outfit then” but he doesn’t know what a workout that is for me nor does he understand that I can’t stand what I look like in the closes that I try on.
The more I gain the more depressed I get. The more depressed I am the more I eat. Everyday I feel bla. Bla is the only word I can think of.
Thank you for sharing your diary. I’ve never opened up the way I just have with you here in a comment. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
@pennocking I feel you all the way! Depression is a fickle thing that I deal with every day and I think that has contributed to how I feel but its not an excuse because I know I can do better. I know I can do the work, its just another thing to try and get motivated. I want to lose the weight, I want to work out. I know I can do it but I always seem to find myself in endless excuses and a big black hole that I fill with food.
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