All aboard!

Has anyone missed me? Yeah, I’ve missed me too…especially lately.

So I know in my last entry I mentioned how stressful the job working for AAA was. About the only thing I can add to that is it hasn’t gotten any better. If anything, it’s worse. I’ve been a legal secretary for over 10 years, close to 15, and I have NEVER worked at a firm that demanded so much from it’s secretaries. We have to do things that claims personnel and paralegals should be handling. It’s ridiculous.

But anyway, about a month or so ago things got much worse. Let me back up a bit. A few months after I started working for AAA and psycho attorney Elaine, I had to be put on anxiety medication, and my anti-depressant had to be upped. It seemed to work for a while, but her constant demands started to get to me again. About a month ago there was an issue with a file of Elaine’s that had been settled, but I hadn’t requested the settlement check from claims yet. I admitted it, I dropped the ball on it. I take responsibility for my fuckups. But part of the reason it had sat for so long (3 months) was because plaintiff’s counsel wasn’t happy with the language on the Release and kept wanting it changed, and I can’t request a settlement check without an executed Release by the Plaintiff. But anyway, it was brought up in an email amongst the attorneys that comprise the executive committee, but not in a “Amy sucks, get rid of her” way. It was mainly about how claims refuses to work with us and always blames the legal department for everything.

So my boss’s boss, Mr. Siefer, emailed Elaine and told her that she needed to work more closely with me because it appeared that I didn’t understand how to close files in a timely manner. He said it in a nice way….I know this for a fact. And here’s the thing…I had asked Elaine over and over and OVER, and texted her and sent her emails, BEGGING her to spend some time with me so we could go over stuff and develop a better working relationship. These requests were all ignored. And yes, I have printouts of the emails and texts.

But what did my kind, considerate, wonderful boss (and yes, that was some serious sarcasm there) do? She wrote back and told him that she DOES work closely with me, but that SINCE I TAKE MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION, IT CAUSES ME TO DISCONNECT. Um, can we say violation of privacy, anyone?? Or how about HIPAA violation? Then the stupid bitch printed out the email, where it sat on a SHARED PRINTED in the firm, for anyone and everyone who came along to see, until I got wind of it and took it. To say I felt humiliated is putting it mildly.

So here’s what I did. I printed out her entire dictation queue from the day I started and highlighted every dictation she did wherein she gave me 24 hours or less to complete it. I also highlighted all the case evaluation summaries that were dictated and filed late (when this happens, the firm has to pay an extra $150), and printed out her task list PROVING that I gave her 1, 2, 3 and 4 week’s notice of when the summaries were due. I covered my ass big time!

Then I went and had a chat with my supervising attorney, Joe. I told Joe I knew about the email, what was said in it (I didn’t tell him I actually had it), and told him about all the paperwork I had printed out proving that everything she said about me was a lie. He asked me to please give him copies, which I gladly did, and then he went into Mr. Killeen’s office and had a closed door chat with him. Now Mr. Killeen loves me, and does not care for Elaine one bit because of how she treats her secretaries.

The next day and the day after, two members of the executive committee came to me and personally apologized to me for what Elaine had done, and told me it would be dealt with. I thanked them, and that was that.

But it wasn’t. After that whole mess with the email and her spilling my private business to the entire executive committee, I went on a bad downward spiral. I started crying a lot…to the point where it was every day, on and off all day, all night.

I prayed, and I prayed a lot. On the way to work, during work, at night…I kept praying. I kept telling myself that as long as I kept praying, I could get through….whatever this was.

But then I started to think about dying. I have never, EVER, in my life been suicidal, or even thought about dying. But I was now. I even counted out my sleeping pills, but there weren’t enough. And honestly, I was scared of going to hell if I succeeded.

I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, November 18. My husband went with me. I cried the entire time, and told her about the suicidal thoughts. She wanted me to go to the hospital, NOW, but I refused…I told her I had too much at work I had to do. She looked at my husband and said if she comes home after work in this condition, you get her to the nearest ER!

When I got home from work that night I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe. I had talked to my dad and stepmom on the way home and when I walked into the apartment Tony was waiting for me and said “we’re going to the hospital.” Apparently my stepmom called him after we had hung up and told him he needed to get me to the hospital as soon as I walked in the door, do not pass go, do not collect $200. So off we went.

I spent Tuesday night in the ER of a shitty hospital in a town near here, then the next day they transferred me to a psychiatric facility called Havenwyck. I was terrified, and the fact they didn’t let me see my husband after they got me there made me lose it, but they promised me I could see him the next evening.

Havenwyck ended up being a Godsend. I participated in the group therapy, met with the psychiatrist and social worker regularly, and for the most part, behaved myself.

I was there for 6 days, and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I. I was supposed to be in for 7-10 days, but because I participated in everything and truly wanted to get better, they let me go a day early on the promise that I attend outpatient and individual therapy, stay on my new med regimen, and continue seeing my psychiatrist on a regular basis. I promised, and I’ve kept my promise.

But here’s what I’m struggling with: I feel like I failed. I keep thinking, if I was TRULY a Godly woman, as Godly a woman as the other women I know and love at church, then my strong faith in and love for God should have kept me from having a mental breakdown. I feel like I didn’t “do it” right, and I don’t know how to get past feeling like this. I don’t know where to go to in the Bible about this. Please don’t misunderstand….none of the wonderful women I know at church act like they’re more Godly or better than me…that’s something I put on myself…that I’M not as “good” as they are.

But I wonder…did I let God down? Can I get a do-over? Can I be strong enough….stronger than mental illness….if I just keep praying? Or is it possible to be mentally ill and still be a Godly woman?

I still have crying jags a lot, but not near as bad as it was, and I think those thoughts going through my head are what causes most of them. I messaged my pastor about it and he wants to meet in person and talk the Monday after Thanksgiving, so that’s good.

I’m also scared of this diagnosis, and mad as hell that I have it!

And that’s all I’ve got for now. I’m getting tired.

I’ve missed you a

ll terribly! And now that I’m on short-term disability from work, I’ll try to do better about writing. I was told it’s great therapy as well 🙂

Lots and lots of love to you all.