My Dear

Dear *#(&,

You know I keep telling you that I can’t leave you when I’m still so in love with you.  I say WE can’t leave each other, because there is still so much love in our hearts….As true as this is….I can’t leave because I’m scared.  I’m scared that I won’t be ok, that you won’t be ok, that your entire family will hate me yet be relieved…that I will be alone and miserable, drinking my life away witout you. 

But there is an upside to every down.  I might just figure out that there are a lot of things out there that I love to do, I just havne’t had the chance to try them yet.  I used to think that we inspired each other.  Now I know, that we both just really needed each other at that time.  You saved me from sinking into a terribly deap heartache over my previous boyfriend.  I was the first girl you ever REALLY kissed…the first one you told you loved…it meant everything to me that you were all mine….it meant too much. 

I overlooked everything true about our relationship…

Truths:

We have nothing in common besides our thirst for alcohol (and mines worse…)

We have so much anger and destruction in our past that we can’t let go of

We fear being together, and fear being apart

I don’t like your lifestyle

You don’t like mine

We were never meant to be…we just wanted it to be good so desperately…

I still can’t leave you.  I will come home tonight, quiet, reserved…crying inside…wishing I could love you the way I used to.  Wishing everything could go back to our beautiful beginning.  But years have passed….tides have rolled in and out….and I still feel alone.  You’re a sweet, wonderful man….but I’m afraid that’s not all I need.  I need someone who is happy…enthusiastic…social….loving without smothering…compliments me in front of others…and someone…who I have no secrets from….