Fat

I write on here when I’m drunk enough to have confidence that Im not crazy or alone.

I’ve deleted several times because I’ve lost my thoughts or the point.

Well, that’s me now.

I hate how much I’ve gained. I feel uncomfortable with touch and parts of my own body are touching that I’m uncomfortable with.

I’m not a thigh gap girl because of looks, I’m a thigh gap girl because I HATE the way it feels when my thighs rub together. I can’t walk comfortably because there’s isn’t enough room.

I started drinking and taking pills about four years ago to get my husband, K, to pay attention to me. He was hooked on video and I wanted attention.

I walked around topless. I got drunk. I took diphenhydramine with alcohol so I’d be so fucked up that I could deal with not even having the 15-20 minutes the vagina needs to enlarge and enjoy sex.

I got sexy lingerie. I waxed. I waxed with him on video calls while he played video games. He still says he didn’t realize I wanted his attention. But at some point he did screen recorder me waxing.

He said that he didn’t have to tell me he recorded it and that he thought I was only doing it because I wanted attention.

Is wanting your husbands attention bad?

Afw, my drinking is out of hand. I’ve gained at least 30 pounds. It’s become the thing I do at night.