1639 Some honesty from me.

To say that…

I have not yet begun to truly grieve

…would be the hugest understatement of the year.

I finally got off my scaredy-cat @ss and placed a phone call to a counselor today.  I need to get this ball rolling.  I really fear what will happen if I let it all fester instead of talking about her.

I’m just really glad that Christmas and New Years are over.  I kept myself nice & busy and feared a big meltdown, which never came.

The one thing I can say is this: I am so mad at God.

This is not how her/my life was supposed to look.  mm

She was supposed to live long enough to enjoy years with her grandchildren.  Hell, she didn’t even get to see her first grandchild’s 2nd birthday.  Now I face giving birth to my second child and she won’t be here to celebrate the moment with us.

My children were supposed to grow up with their Grandma P.  They were supposed to be spoiled rotten and eat too many of her yummy cookies.

We were all cheated.

So yeah, I’m really mad at God.  There, I said it.  I’ve not been struck down on the spot.  Let’s face it, it’s not as if He isn’t already well aware of my anger.

I’m still a Christian.  I still believe that He’s gonna be the one to get me through my grief.  I’m just mad. 

And it took a lot for me to finally admit that outloud.  Which might be a start, I suppose.