1783 What I couldn’t figure out how to say

Saucy Scale: 9

There’s something else I wanted to write in my last entry, but I just couldn’t.  

This pregnancy has been NOTHING like my first two pregnancies.  And they weren’t exactly a breeze the whole time, either. 

During the first, I had Gestational Diabetes & endured a crazy birth experience which ended in an emergency c-section  which barely saved my baby’s life.  Gus was not breathing & had to be intubated immediately.  

During the second, I made trips up to Madison, Wisconsin to visit my sick mother.  When I was 6 months pregnant, my mommy died.  If you think that won’t mess with your head & hormones after delivery…think again.

This pregnancy has been physically hard.  I started out nauseous and it didn’t end until well into 20-something weeks.  As soon as that let up, I was hit with debilitating exhaustion.  That lasted quite awhile too.  As soon as I started feeling better & had a burst of energy…the physical limitations of hauling around twins became a reality.  

But you know that.  What I really want to say is a different kind of painful for me.

I am so unbelievably blessed to be pregnant with twins.  I do not take this for granted for a moment.  

While I have had a hard time physically this time around, I can say that with every one of my pregnancies…I LOVE BEING PREGNANT.  When I have a moment when I’m not sick, in pain, or exhausted…I love knowing that there is not one, but two babies growing within me.  I love feeling them both bouncing around in there.  I love feeling 2 very separate & independent sets of simultaneous movements.

I love the "extra-specialness" of carrying twins this time around.  I love getting people’s reaction to learning that I’m the mother of 2 and expecting twins.  It cracks me up. 

I love seeing twins out in public and knowing that in a relatively short period of time…that will be me.

What saddens me, is that this will be my last pregnancy. 

TBU and I have always discussed the number of children we wish to have.   We always assumed that we’d have 3 children of our own and then adopt a 4th.  That’s been our plan.

When I had my first prenatal check this time around (BEFORE I ever learned I was carrying twins), the nurse told me that they do not encourage patients to have more than 3 c-sections.  The risks are just too high. 

So, my rational brain knows & acknowledges that this will be my final opportunity to carry children.  (Who knows, maybe that’s one reason God has blessed us with twins.)  We’re 99% sure that when the babies are delivered, I’m going to go ahead and have my tubes tied.  I’m comfortable & fine with that medical decision.

I will really miss being pregnant.  I will miss this chance to hear the first heartbeat ever again.  I will miss the chance to see the first movements on ultrasound.  I will miss feeling the first kicks from within.  I will miss the beauty of creating a life within me.

There are a finite number of days left of this pregnancy.  I will make an effort to enjoy these last few weeks – however many of them are left.  I will rest & take care of myself.  I will try not to put additional stress on myself needlessly.  I will feel these spirited kicks from within.  I will watch my belly moves as Baby Gymnastics take place.  I will look forward to the moment(s) when these babies each take their first breath and make their first cry.

I don’t want to waste any additional time feeling sick, tired, or stressed out.  I want to enjoy these moments, especially since they are my last opportunity to do so. 

Bittersweet as it is.