Constantly just feel like a bad mom.

Tonight, Mitchell is on a business trip for 2 days and I am solo parenting the kids.

Tonight, also conveniently – they were the worst behaved they have literally ever been.

And, I feel like the worst mom ever.  I was so short with them, I even cried a couple of times.  I had to leave the room.  My son Tarin is 4 (almost 5) and Kesley is 3.  Good God.  Kesley fights everything.  All the time.  Tarin has had HUGE emotions the last few days.  Maybe because their dad is gone?

I had a full on mental breakdown tonight.  I think over a lot of things.  Over mine and Mitchell’s insane lives (constantly doing shit because we need to feel like we’re important), over parenting and trying to survive these insane ages, and working full time while thinking we can do it all.

Starting with mine and Mitchell’s careers / lives – they’re too fucking crazy.  I’m going to start saying no to everything.  He’s on the most meaningless 2 day business trip right now and I’m annoyed by that too.  He has like half day conferences and nothing else.  And that is also frustrating.  Send one of your minions.   Even this weekend we’re going to a concert – of one of my favorite artists so that’s good – but I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to keep running around.  I’m exhausted.  I’m over it.  I can barely get a breath and then it’s onto the next fucking thing.

Mitchell likes this. I don’t.

I am sick of the song and dance of feeling like I’m always a bad mom.   I could tell Tarin was rattled by my insanity tonight – I don’t blame him.  I am exhausted and was at a loss.  I’m struggling so much.

I don’t want to talk about this now because I’m riled up, but I also can’t get out of my mind that Mitchell and I should separate.  We don’t want the same things out of life.  We’ll leave out the four years of cheating on me (please refer to entries from the 2019 era) … but that’s in there too.  Ideally, I buy a new house here and move my parents in with me.  They have wanted to move to our state for a while.  I love Mitchell but love truly isn’t enough.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  It’s not.  I think that has something to do with my insane irritability lately.  Or maybe I need to up my prozac Rx.  😫.

I need a break.  But that’s like asking to win the lottery right now.  Impossible.

Much love,

~Elle