Something is happening right now

I went to get the tire changed on the bike today, and before I left I sent Amir an email telling him that I love him and that I will e-mail him when I get back. In my email to him after I returned home, I told him that my friend’s funeral was today (now yesterday) and that I didn’t know if I was going to go. I didn’t hear anything from him until a couple of hours ago. He e-mailed me and asked me in a single question reply to the e-mail "did you go to the funeral?" I told him I didn’t go.

I wrote, "No, I didn’t go. Looking back I think I should have. The last time we were in that church sanctuary together was the day we graduated. My graduating class of 11 people (including myself) walked across the stage together in that sanctuary and I wanted to remember things that way and not the way it was at the funeral today. Does that make any sense? It’s hard to explain. I just didn’t want to think about the reality of it, I guess. Heand I were not close at all after high school; in fact, we just recently became friends on Facebook. We didn’t keep in touch after high school at all. But since our graduating class was so small, our entire group got to know one another very well. We all shared that experience together, and it brought us together as a result. Do you understand what I mean? I’m not really sure why I have been so distracted by all this lately. I just keep thinking out our class reunion coming up and how he won’t be there. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s all very sad."

Amir and I are really connecting right now. I feel like I truly understand at least a small part of what he goes through when he lose a friend to war… and he understand now I feel, now, too. I imagine that it’s even harder when you’re deployed and thinking about these things. I apologized to Amir if I was depressing him.I hope I am not. I know he is reflecting on his friends and his life right now. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain Amir must have gone through having lost so many of his friends. He lost several *best* friends. My God… I can’t imagine. 

Someone on my friend’s Facebook page said "Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened." That is a lovely way to look at life. Profound…

I’ve been crying as I have been responding to his e-mails. Partly because I’m sad for my friend’s family and wife, and partly because I am happy that Amir understands and is being supportive.. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much. In a way I regret not going to my friend’s funeral, and in a way I feel like it’s better to remember the last time we were together in that room… when he was alive. 

I went to my friend’s wake a couple of nights ago. He didn’t look like himself. He didn’t look like the boy I remember. It wasn’t just that he had grown up. It’s that he was dead. It just wasn’t him. 

Man, he was my classmate from almost ten years ago. We didn’t talk after graduation. I have to stop thinking about this. I have to stop dwelling on this. I gotta get some new thoughts. 

I am glad to know Amir is supportive of me right now. I really appreciate that about him.

The most recent e-mail I wrote to Amir:

"Honestly, Amir, it isn’t about me, either. It’s about my friend and his life here. But now he’s not here, and won’t be ever again. I am only me, though, and can only see things from my perspective and try to empathize with others. I am just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t seem to make sense. I can understand why people fall to a greater plan and everything happening for a reason as an explanation for things like this. Maybe this is still true, it’s just harder to see right now.

 
Thank you for being so understanding and letting me know that you can empathize with me. I love you for that right now. I’ve been thinking about this for the past week, and still don’t know what to make of it, but I am glad to know that you are right here with me in this confusion. You mean a lot to me, Amir. Thank you for everything. 
 
I am glad you like your roses. They are modest but I did try to make them nice for you. I wish I could do more for you, too, but that isn’t in the cards right now. One day I will be able to take better care of you.
 
Amir, thank you again. Thank you a thousand times. I do feel connected to you on this. I am glad I’m not depressing you. Please let me know if I ever do. I would never want to do anything to make you feel that way. 
 
I want you to know that everything will be alright. You know… it always is." 
 
 
And that’s all I have for you toinght/this morning. I can’t sleep.