And then the lion roars.

I’m reminded of something that happened a couple months ago. Okay, many months ago. My last outburst. That was short, in comparison to this.

Went out to eat with my dad. Mom stayed home again. Funny, didn’t he say that the reason we started doing it is because she wanted variety? Yet she doesn’t come half the time. I bothered stating that I won’t be graduating for another two years. Three more semesters. As expected, he shit bricks.

He got up from the table for a second, then came back. I was calm all throughout, while he pretty much was his cranky self. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that there’s more courses to take. What, you think you can just change majors and be done like that? Some things, you can overload. See, there’s the Final Course, Exercise Prescription or something like that. It’s only offered in the spring. I do not have the prerequisites for it.

Now, my dad’s thinking isn’t all wrong. He asked why I can’t take it next semester. Uh. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be finishing next semester. He couldn’t wrap his mind around that, either. I’ve added it up, I have at least 8 more courses to take after this. Nine, if you add in the Personal Training course that would give me a certificate, as everything else is covered in the exercise science degree. I won’t be graduating in the spring anyway.

But, no, still didn’t get it. He pointed out that I could petition for extenuating circumstances. I’m in college too long? Okay, if doing everything next semester would finish me off, I could see it. But that’s not the case. Instead, he starts bemoaning about how my “advisor” was steering me wrong. Same shit he gave me about my therapist. My dad was convinced that she tried to talk me out of computer science. He was also convinced other people were trying to talk me out of it to eliminate the competition.

As I said to him, he’s delusional.

To reiterate, if I had only six classes, and only six classes, and doing it all next semester would get me something to put on a wall, I’d probably push for it.

I asked him why he wanted me to finish as fast as possible, even though it’s the same number of courses. A. because I’ve been in college too long and B. to start making money faster.

To A, I brought up what would have happened if I had stuck with CS. He thought maybe I’d further my education. He didn’t bring up the obvious: Me hating it. I pointed out that this is what I would have ended up doing anyway, doing something else. This conversation got lost somewhere, and it didn’t make much sense.

To B, well. *shrugs* In the long-term, does it really make that much of a difference? I’ve been in college a long time. I had to point out again and again that that isn’t something I’m particularly happy with.

Conversation went on, but it was a matter of him shitting bricks, and me being calm and rational. Probably pissed him off more. Why is he arguing with me about this? This is just how it is.

Home, I brought out the major checklist. “I don’t understand this.” I think he’s just upset about the fact that I’ve been in college four years, and it’s going to take another two years to finish. “It’s like what you did at Rutgers doesn’t matter.” Bingo, buddy. In the restaurant, I made the example, “If you studied nothing but math, do you think they’d let you into a higher-level astronomy course?”

“Well, you know, astronomy is mostly math…”

I swear, you’d think I was the adult and he was the kid. What the fuck is wrong with him? You can’t even have a conversation with him because he doesn’t understand basic principals of argument or philosophy. Just because you’ve taken a shitload of courses in one field, a professor in another field really won’t give two shits.

I brought out the Almighty Undergrad book for CCM and pointed out that Exercise Measurement and Prescription had a Exercise Physiology as a prereq, I think. That has A&P as a prereq. I think I’d be a fool to petition that. Some courses you can get in, some.. you really do need to have taken it. He sat there staring at it for a little bit. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

I don’t remember what he said that made me snap. Few people have ever seen my angry. Few people can even fathom me angry, but it isn’t pretty. The adreneline shoots up from screaming. It’s like being drunk. You’re loud, and maybe not that coherent, but goddamn it you’re saying what you’ve wanted to say for a while.

I threw down my mug of milk. I think the first words out of my mouth were, “I’m sick of this shit.”

I don’t remember the specifics. After the first wave of tirads, you’d think it would have been over. I said, “You want me to break something else?” Something came over me, and I told him that if he crossed me, I’d kill him. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that on here before.

I told him that he was the reason that I’m fucked up in the head, in so many words. His voice is inside my head. I told him it’s not his fault, he’s human. But that I’ve had to tune him out just to be happy. While I was at Rutgers, that voice in my head, I felt like I was failing. Going back to school, I had to tune out that voice in my head and tell myself that I could do it. I told him I went into therapy and I’m doing better now, and that he should see a shrink, too.

I told him I’m tired of be being the adult while he’s throwing a fit.

I asked, “Why haven’t you just kicked me out already?” I’ve been in college for four years now. Maybe being kicked out would be good for me. As I stated, and as he quietly affirmed, he cares.

Yet now, he pulls this shit. What the fuck is this shit? Is this his problem? This won’t cost him more money. This is my life. Does he think I’m happy about being in college for so many years, yet requiring even MORE time to finish? Why am I having to be the calm one while he’s shitting bricks? This is how it is. Those requirements that weren’t checked off on the major requirements sheet? I’m not worried about that, because I know they’ve been transferred. I know I have the courses. Yet HE is the one who throws a fucking fit. Not me.

I’m tired of always having to bite my tongue. Constantly, everything he says. I know he doesn’t mean to, he’s human.

I broke a sweat. My heart raced, and my voice wavered at times. It’s hard to keep talking loudly. It did calm towards the end. I was pretty much just telling him shit I’ve had on my mind for a long time. He sat there and took it. Maybe he’ll get it. Maybe he won’t.

It’s not the reason I did it, but if I hadn’t said something, he would have just bemoaned this situation and bitched at mom for a while. That’s what he does. He has serious issues. An armchair psychologist could look at him and say that he cares a lot about his children. The rest, I don’t know, I’m not a shrink. Wendi thinks it would be a bad idea for him to see a shrink. I think it would take three years. One year to really get it. Another year to make the transition. And a third year to finish everything up.

The thing is, whenever I try to calmly explain things to him, he argues with me. Hey, blame him, he’s the reason Iraise my voice. He’s not much of a yeller, but you can read very fast when he’s shitting bricks. When he can’t wrap his mind around something. I’m really a calm person most of the time. I still have nerves right now, but I’m fine. It’s out of my system. I can go from angry to calm very fast. …And the other way around.

Maybe he’ll get it, maybe he won’t. But goddamn it, man, stop making a big deal out of something that isn’t even your problem. Just be cool and say, “Wow, sucks you have to be in school for so long.” That’s all! Just a little empathy, you asshole. Nope, never empathy. Always, “You’ve been in college SO LONG.”

Mom hugged me and said it had to be said. See. My mom gets it, even though she has MS. She’s still functioning up there. She knows I can’t help that it’s taking this long.

I’m a rational and reasonable person. I expect the same from other people.