Eye of the Tiger.

My major stressor of the past week has been this speech. Working all weekend just. I know I could have found time if I found another gear, but I just didn’t have it in me. I went to the library Thursday morning before work, for which I’m incredibly proud of myself for. But I tried to catch up on readings, and didn’t want to work on my speech. Friday morning, I was tired. Thursday night, I got groceries. Saturday night, I make chili. And Sunday night, I probably just got down on myself for having that speech in the morning.

So I skipped going to the gym. I slept too long and didn’t feel rested. I felt down on myself. I felt impending doom. I managed to summon the strength not to give up on myself quite so easily. I went over what I had already, I mentally rehearsed what I thought my speech would be. But it felt too rough. It didn’t feel organized enough. It didn’t feel coherent. It felt like, gee, I didn’t spend enough time on it!

I was late for class. But goddamn it, I showed up. I was the fourth speaker, and quite frankly, I had no idea what to say. I told her as such. My mind was completely blank. Outline? Check. Notecard? Check. Know what to say for each item on my outline? Not confidently. I took a hit on my grade. I don’t mind doing this for one simple reason: I showed up, goddamn it. I tried. And I know I can do better.

After class, I decided to do things my way. I wrote out, longhand, my speech. Or, at least, most of it. Thing is, this is just a mental organization thing. By writing it down, I’m forced to look at my words, recognize the ideas that work, the ideas that don’t, what’s being reinforced, and what’s extraneous. I got a real sense of what my speech “was” by doing this. Also, by looking at paragraph length, I could tell where my speech was skewed timewise. I like being balanced in terms of topics. The time I spent doing that saved my ass.

I had a fever of 101 when I woke up yesterday morning.

I mean, what the fuck. I’ve never gotten sick in rapid succession before. I am reminded of what I learned in A&P about immune system response. During second exposure, the body can really KICK ASS. Assuming it was the same thing. I spent most of the day in bed, wondering just how bad I’d be today. I rested as much as I could, and then more. Because I knew that regardless of how sick I was, I HAD to come into school today.

My fever was gone by this morning. I did more rehearsing and felt.. much more ready. Got into class on time. Except. It was exceedingly slushy today. She wasn’t in today. Everybody got up and left. This gave me an opportunity, a golden opportunity.

I spent the rest of the “class period” rehearsing my speech to the empty classroom. I noticed that thanks to the three subpoints of each of my points, my speech is plenty long enough for the assignment. I trimmed the meat of my speech and really got a sense of my point. It’s good to have a point, right? This helped shape my intro and conclusion.

What’s my speech about? You’re supposed to do a past/present/future of yourself. My ‘point’ is that even though I’ve spent six years in college, I’ve tried. I really can rattle off a list of interests I’ve had over the years other than my so-called “majors”. Whether I’ll care to admit it or not, each and every one occurred of my own volition. Maybe I didn’t know it at the time that I was discovering something. I didn’t realize it when I started lifting. But I’m still trying. And if I’m going to find what I’m looking for, I’m not going to do it laying in bed hoping my dreams come to me. I have to go out there and find them.

It’s about the ending, you know. People will typically remember the beginning and the end of the speech. Maybe it “doesn’t matter” because it is just a class, but goddamn it, it relaxes me to do a DAMN GOOD JOB. I can’t let up on this class, because if I do, it will eat me. What did I just say? I have to keep trying.

I smile internally because that’s actually what my teach said to me. On Monday after class, I explained my situation. I don’t enjoy being the student who misses the first two days of class and fudges the first speech. I pointed out that I work on weekends – but that is my responsibility. I haven’t found time yet this semester to kick ass. I mentioned I failed this class before. She replied by saying all she cares about is how I do in this class. Right, what did she say to me? I heard her repeatedly say, “Try. Just try.” I know in years past, I would have thought she was patronizing me, but on this occasion, I stored it in my memory because it is what I tell myself.

After class, I ran into Ashlei and we dropped by Gaming Club. I played one game, and promptly started studying for a shorthand quiz for this evening’s class. We did body composition with caliper’s tonight. I’m rather excited about doing the math to find my bodyfat percentage. I haven’t had it done in about two years, when the prof said I was 10%. I should be significantly more than that now. Ha ha. I believe I’ve set Friday morning as the day I will accomplish this.

(I like that word, accomplish. I know little shifts in vocabulary can do wonders for moods.)

My goal for tomorrow morning is to hit the gym. I haven’t been able to this week yet. With the workouts I have coming up, I may be able to do both in one shot. We’ll see. I want to kick ass in the best way. I’m thinking about the coming months. Once I finish this current routine, and assuming I manage to stay healthy, I want to try, for the first time, actually running a caloric deficit. Do major energy systems work, add a moderate amount of cardio. Have my initial resting heartrate, see if it makes a difference in three month’s time. I haven’t spent enough time being healthy. I should do that more.

(I mention health being a requisite, because I’m scared of eating less and not getting enough nutrients. And I know health can sometimes rely on basic micronutrients.)

OH. Jeannine dropped by Taco Bell when I was on break on Sunday. We chatted for a short bit. I asked her if she phone number had changed. She said it hadn’t. I made a mental note to call her. She’s an old friend and a cool one, so I know if I bluntly ask her if she’d cuddle me, she wouldn’t make fun of me. Old friends are the best. Hrm. Maybe standing outside without a jacket talking to her didn’t help my health at all. …While it snowed. Whoops! I swear, I felt fine! My bad!

Talked to Carolyn recently. I found myself with a lot of perspective regarding our interactions years ago. I pointed out that without realizing it with words, I knew she needed unconditional acceptence. So I gave her that. And in doing so, she helped teach me the meaning of friendship. Even I wonder how I “put up” with her during those times. But I did because I cared. I’m an honorable, honest person, and my loyalty has never been questioned.

As for Cliff, well. I’ll keep that to myself. He’s in the back of my mind a lot.

I find myself almost pulling away. Just a mental feeling. I think it’s a protective thing. I recognize that THIS is the reason I feel alone. This is my undoing. I recognize that all I have to do is reach out.

(My god that sounds vague. I’m not sure how else to put it.)

I should sleep soon. Excuse me.