No Rhythm.

I should be in class right now. I’m rather disappointed in myself. I’m breaking my rule of not skipping class. Even if it hurts, face the music.

I’m still thinking about how I got myself into this mess in the first place. I’ve been whining about this speech for weeks. I’ve known about it for weeks. Yet I’ve felt nothing but fear regarding it. I don’t think the actual giving of the speech is what bothers me. I’m more bothered by the process of creating it. I’m the same way when I’m writing a paper. Once I get going, I tend to move pretty quickly. It’s just the getting started that fucks with me.

The first speech didn’t phase me nearly as much, I was able to brainstorm rather readily and productively. This second speech requires research, which has really thrown me off. Throw in the word “research” and I suddenly treat it like a completely different entity. I keep overthinking, expecting this to be some great big thing. Most of the student speechs I’ve seen already weren’t anything spectacular, why do I keep thinking mine has to be?

I’m frustrated with myself. I’ve HAD time. I’m busy, but I’m not void of free time. I hear of people going to school full time and working full time, and I just can’t fathom doing it.

I still feel like I haven’t found a rhythm this semester. Let me think of semesters past. I’ll find different times during the day when I’ll do shit. It worked rather well studying for Anatomy and Physiology. Being able to spend an hour “doing” something made me feel good about myself, and as a result of feeling better, I’d be more motivated to either continue or smash through another task. In that context, I’ve had no time this semester.

I’ve noticed a pattern where I tend to stay up late on Sunday night. Working four days straight wears on me. So by Monday, I have zero desire to do anything. Most of the time I show up for class, and either hang out with Gaming Club for a while, or go home (and probably hang out with Cliff).

Tuesday is the only day I either don’t work or don’t have class. I’ve noticed how I consistently have issues getting to the gym early in the morning. I don’t think I’ve done any work in the library this semester on a Tuesday. For some reason, the idea of waking up in the morning and thinking, “I’m going to the library today” just depresses me. It demotivates me. I have no desire to do it. I don’t know why.

And Wednesday, I have my four-hour lecture from 5PM – 9PM.

I’ve gone to the library once before work. It was like getting up to GOTO the gym, but instead heading to the library. It was actually rather productive. Of course, the library is closed on weekends.

I think I should cut my work hours at some point. It’s clear I have too much on my plate. That makes me feel pathetic, like a weenie who can’t do anything. But I can’t handle this. I think, “I’m only taking two classes, and I’m only working four days, I should be able to handle this.” But I can’t. I’m worried I’m going to fail both of my classes as a result.

I haven’t even mentioned the research paper I need to do for my uber-lecture class. I’m not even entirely sure what I have to do for it. I don’t recall her giving us a sheet telling us what to do. I’ve seen other presentations so far, and it looks like you just need to pretend to be an expert on a topic. She had a list of topics for us to choose. And because I missed the first day of class due to being FUCKING SICK WITH A 102 FEVER, I got shafted. I’ve seriously felt at a disadvantage in this class. The only saving grace is that the professor likes me.

:: sighs ::

Same shit, different classes. Same shit I keep going through over and over again. I do well learning things in class, and studying for tests (if I study at all). I’m an awesome test-taker. I’m atrocious at projects. Man, why can’t more classes be like expos? (The rutgers college-level english course.) Fast pace, six papers to write over the course of the class. By the end of the class, I got very proficient at how to be successful in the class. I think that’s partly it. If we were to pump out six speechs in rapid succession, once every other week, I think I’d get good at preparing them and giving them. Three in one semester is just far too much fucking pressure, and not enough consistency. Not to mention a single research paper/presentation for my other class.

(It’s the same way I got proficient at Anatomy and Physiology through practice.)

I need rhythm, and, bah. Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!

I hate school. I’ll be so glad when it’s over. ..If I can ever finish.

I need to regroup. I need to focus on that research paper. I can’t really focus on two large tasks at once, it stresses me out. I want to do shit tomorrow, but I can’t without a plan. That’s something else I’ve been lacking. A clear cognitive plan of what it is I’m doing when I think “I need to do shit tomorrow”. Something that was helpful for A&P, prior to studying, was accessing what it was I needed to study. Today I need to rummage my bookbag and see if I can find some information on that damn paper. So that I know what I’m going to be looking up.

This behavior is unacceptable, I must rectify it! ..I mean it this time! …Really! Ha ha. We’ll see what happens.