On Habitual Avoidance.

I’m going to fail the last class for my major. After doing rather well on the first exam, I did atrocious on the second exam. We had a study guide, and I tried studying for it, but I just wasn’t sure of what the hell it was we ‘learned’. I couldn’t feel what was important. Man, with Anatomy and Physiology, I could always tell what was important. Even with Chemistry last semester, I could gleam rather easily what it was we were learning.

I’d hate to say it’s the teacher, because I otherwise like Armona. But she tends to babble sometimes, and really isn’t that good at introducing material. I recall Exercise Physiology last semester with Doto. He may have been a hard-ass, but he was awesome at introducing material.

I don’t think I expected myself to be in this position. Last semester wasn’t quite like this. I just got off on the wrong foot this semester, missing the first day of class with that horrible flu. From there, I haven’t found any sort of rhythm.

The longer I’m in school, the more intimidated I become by assignments. It’s a mental complex that’s only getting worse.

I’m really trying to avoid making excuses. It’s quite my fault, and if I had “tried harder”, I wouldn’t be in this position. It was not inevitable that this happen. What would I have done differently? Probably not work so much. That’s definitely eaten some of my time, and contributed to my latent levels of stress. Really, if I had dropped working Thursday, maybe I could have done stuff. Maybe. Then again, I thought I’d accomplish things on Tuesday, when I neither work nor school, and look what happens every Tuesday. I’ve given up trying to do anything on Tuesday.

I’ve had a research paper to do for this class, right? It was assigned at the beginning of the semester. We were given a topic. I was given Diabetes I and Exercise. It’s a rule, research papers freak me out. Every single goddamned time. I really wish I could get over this. No, more than papers. Anything that involves research overwhelms me.

Theoretical papers are no big deal. I can sit down, sort out what I know, and come up with a course of action. They’re mildly formulaic. But research papers, it’s like building a house from scratch every time without a blueprint. I end up feeling exceedingly unsure of what to do. I took a research paper course at Rutgers – and failed it. I mean, the point of the course was to write ONE PAPER. That mere concept completely overwhelmed me! As I’ve been saying, I need frequency to learn how to do something.

I’m avoidant.

Sigh.

It’s one thing to tune out the feelings of disappointment in myself. I mean, not putting myself down too much or tearing myself apart. Even though it was my choice to be in school right now, even though it was my choice to be in this major, my dad will still probably tell me how disappointed he is. Thanks, dad! Good to know you’ll always put me down!

(Though, I will give him a little credit. Whether he believes it or not, he’s at least saying that my life is my own and I can do whatever I want. Seeing as how I’m under his roof, it certainly makes sense to make sure I’m moving forward somewhat. That said, as long as I keep doing something, that should be enough. Hrm, this is tricky to talk about, as I haven’t thought of what my course of action for the next 8 months is. I mean, if I was unemployed, not in school, and not doing anything to help myself, he better be on my ass! Hrm. You know, I forget that sometimes. I’m not unemployed and out of school. What I’m doing right now is not optimal, but it is something. I’m not sure whether it’s obvious how much I put myself down for being in this position in the first place. I put myself down for working where I do, I put myself down for having not finished school, I put myself down for still living at home. (I judge myself.) Hence why I’m so terrified someone else will put me down for it.)

What do I do now is a good question. I need a course of action. This course won’t be offered again until next Spring. I’m better off just taking fall semester off to do other things. Other things? I’m not about to work full-time at Taco Bell until next December, that would only exacerbate my feelings of stagnantness. I need to do something I’ve never done before. Not sure what it is yet.

Sometimes I wonder where the feelings of apathy come from. Am I sabotaging myself? Is it unconscious, is it on purpose? I don’t know, but it is the end result. I’m so sick of this happening over and over again. I’ll be so glad when I’m finished with school. I hate college. Fuck all you people who tell me how I’m not appreciating college. Maybe, for me, college has been one of the worse experiences of my life. Fuck all this bullshit. It’s a lie, a goddamned lie, feed to us by a system that wants us to believe that a piece of paper means you know something. It means you passed some exams, wrote some bullshit papers you won’t remember, it means shit.

I need to get out of here. I have to get free. It’s scary and stressing, but I need to keep it on the forefront of my mind. I know what motivations brought me to do what brought me here. Those motivations seem to have faded. I need to keep looking forward, because this life sucks. I hate living in this quandary.

I’m avoidant. Perhaps I should spend more time keeping tabs on the very things I’m afraid of. I say the truth will set you free. You know, whenever I use that phrase to put something in perspective, it doesn’t seem so bad. The noise in my head fades a little and the plainness of the stressor is brought out.