Return Fire.

I’ve spent the day running around with my head cut off. This has not been a kind day to me. I’ve spent the day wanting to do something, anything to make myself feel good. I’ve spent the day preoccupied with the demons within me. I’ve spent the day trying to see what it is everyone sees in me. Blind. Absolutely blind. Looking at that affirmation I wrote for myself. Timmy’s smarter than the rest? Ha, I said. Complex minds breeds complex problems, that’s about all the intelligence I could grant myself today.

I’ve spent the day wishing that if I just talked to enough people that loved me, eventually, the mood with leave. I’ve spent the day wanting someone to save me. Maybe the right combination of words and I’d get it. If only for today. I’ve wanted to flex my claws and fight back. I’ve wanted to scream. I’ve wanted to take a punching and beat it for every time I’ve ever put myself down.

I’ve spent the day praying something would happen that would eventually change me. Maybe someone would save me. In reality, all I’ve needed is myself. Well, lock those phasers on target and punch in the data code to Reliant’s command. If I can put myself down so easily, I might as well turn it right back around. Take a bite out of every last entity that got me to the way I am. We come into this world as clean slates. I wasn’t just fucking born this way.

So, fuck you dad, for not being around when I needed you. Fuck you for never making me feel like my opinions mattered. Fuck you for later realizing you had children who had already grown up, but instead of treating them like adults you treated them like five year olds. Fuck you for the regretful way you live your life, it’s only natural that it’s been passed on to me. Fuck you for never believing in me. Fuck you for telling me I couldn’t do something when it was what I wanted to do. I’ll show you, asshole. I’ll make it, and if I was an ass, I’d tell you that I never wanted to see your fucking face again. I’d wish death upon you, but that’s just not my style. Oh, but I wish it was!

Fuck you, mom. Thanks a lot for marrying someone just like your dad, even though you thought you were being rebellious by marrying someone who wasn’t white. Fuck you for circumcising me out of ignorance.

Fuck you, MS. Fuck you for taking my mom’s mind away from her. If I had the money, I’d pour some research dollars into figuring out what the fuck you are. Fuck you for making my mom more reliant on religion than she already was.

Fuck you, Mount Olive. Thirteen years of fucking coasting. Some education that was, asshole! Preparation for what? What fucking dreams did you inspire in me? The suburban life? That’s all I could think of? Fuck you for letting me see how much more there was to me. Fuck you for numbing my mind.

You were the kid who shot spitballs at me. Yeah, you. Fuck you. Are you dead by now? You really don’t deserve to live.

You were the kid that made fun of me for being smarter than you. Fuck you. You wish you could be as smart as me.

You were the kid that made fun of me for not talking during lunch. Fuck you, maybe I didn’t have anything to say to you. Or maybe YOU WEREN’T FUCKING TALKING TO ME.

Fuck you to every person that’s ever seen me as a novelty. I’m a person, and I demand respect like anybody else. Fuck you for toying with me just to see if you could see if you could get a reaction. Fuck you for succeeding in getting that reaction out of me.

Fuck you, Angel. You weren’t worth the time I spent on you. Any girl is lucky to have a guy like me. And you fucking blew it. TWICE. Fuck you for never thinking I was with keeping around. Fuck you for setting the ever-so-low standard.

Fuck you, Max. Fuck you for making me feel inferior to you. You felt so high and mighty with your logic and emotional repression. How’s that working for you now? Fuck you for encouraging me to repress a very natural side of myself, a side I happen to like.

Fuck you, Justin Silva, for annoying the shit out of me. Some friend you were. You may have stood up for me, but how did you treat me in your spare time? Fuck you for not treating me with full respect.

Fuck you, Laura. You’re not even worth explaining why you’re full of shit.

Fuck you, Shannon. Fuck you for telling me that you were embarassed by me. Oh, woo dee freaking do. I’m soo sorry you couldn’t handle my personality. Fucking bitch.

Here’s a second fuck you for Angel.

I want to say fuck you to Cliff, for the way he hurt me continually. But I understand that he was just trying to get me to see myself. Ditto Alex.

Elena, that was not cool how you ditched me like that three years ago. I can only hope you’ve matured since then.

I may have dealt with it okay, but it was not cool how Sharon cried on me. That messed me up.

Fuck you, The Minor. You liked me, but could you ever find time for me? Of course not.

Oh, Paige, I could write epic tales of how badly you fucked up my head. You told me you’d always be the one who was on my side. Fuck you. Fuck you for getting close to me using my weakness. You told me exactly what I wanted to her and I fell for it. And fuck all the guys that ever hurt you. Fuck them for hitting you and telling you horrible things to make you feel unworthy. Fuck them for making you feel like the only way you could feel loved was if you let them fuck you.

I loved you, but goddamnit, fuck you for not taking the pill right. That wasn’t right at all what happened. Fuck you for using that against me, emotionally manipulating me. Fuck you for telling me how I should feel. I have every right to be scared as fuck at the thought of my girlfriend being pregnant. All of my feelings are valid. Fuck you for holding the threat of a stupidity tax over my head when you know damn well you don’t need a goddamn penny from me. Fuck you for trying to be my friend and asking if I “gave a shit” about our kid. That’s emotional manipulation and I’m not so weak anymore to be a pawn to it.

Fuck you, Rutgers. You killed my love of learning, and confused me as to what I wanted to do in life. Fuck you for never making me feel like anybody cared about me. Fuck you for never giving me a single friend to take away from the school. Fuck you for letting me default on you.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you for convincing me I could just ride off into the sunset if I just went into my hole for long enough. Fuck you for intimidating me. Fuck you for not being real at all. Fuck you for not having a user’s manual. Fuck you for convincing me that a wife, 2.5 kids, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a really big wang was all I needed to be “fulfilled”. Fuck you for having me rail against that ideal, yet crave it at the same time. Fuck you for never giving me dreams. Fuck you for not letting me realize how awesome I am. Fuck you for never giving me the power to believe in myself. Fuck you for letting me fuck myself.

Anger, like any emotion, is a hard emotion to maintain in intensity. I once asked Jannney what drove her. She said revenge. I spend so much time thinking about how horrible I am. If I spent a tenth of that trying to fuck the world back, maybe I could get the world. The emotions may change and augment to fit the circumstance, but hope still remains. I may have spazzed like a motherfucker, but I never lost sight of hope today. My sweet revenge, it is oh-so in the making.