Still holding back.

Again, I’m porny and pervy. So many times in conversation, I hold myself back from randomly saying sexual things. Sometimes, I feel like there’s a phase I’m going through that’s hitting me 7 years too late. I was pretty benign when I was 13. I wasn’t pervy at all.

“Fuck it” seems to be my phrase of the moment. Um, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I’m not quite sure how, but there are always entries I stop myself from writing. Sometimes little ones. Like annotating that I can’t sleep. It would just be annoying as hell if I got more than two notes giving advice or fake sympathy. Yeah, keep thinking I do it for the notes. Whatever. Not all the time.

So again with the porny and perviness. I’m still fighting how others perceive me. I say to myself, “If I write less about breasts, maybe I can prove them wrong.” Fact of the matter is that this isn’t all of me. If I wanted to, I could dedicate every last entry to breasts. It would get old after a while, but I could do it. I’d get labeled sex-obsessed. Labeled. Fun word.

I so want to avoid directly saying, “Hey, I want to write whatever I want to write, regardless of how others will perceive me.” *laughs* Whoops.

I’m thinking I could just start spamming entries. I know there have been stretches where I’ve written a lot in a little. I always give mental brownie points to those that read the “back” entries. Even though they were only posted mere hours before the “latest” entry. Every entry was new at some point. Every entry has a point. If not, there is a reason for it to be posted. Even if it’s no reason at all. If I’m reading a diary, I always make sure I’m up on all entries. (Well, most of the time.) What’s the point of reading a diary if you only read the latest entry? So you can note and feel like a groupie?

Always read Bang Bang Bruce’s entries when they’re up. *nodnod*

I’m going to do a pictorial of my body. Yes, I’ll obey the no-package policy. In time. So many other things I should be doing.

And now I’m thinking about my journal. Nothing happens much in college. If I have notable thoughts – about myself, they always go in there. I just haven’t had many in the past two years. Sad, eh? Learning less and less. Reaching almost static. Whatever. The style of writing in here is totally different from my journal. Paper pages don’t take up much space on OD.

I used to write a LOT of multi-part entries. Not so much anymore. I still tend to force usage of the scroll-bar, but… Still. *smirks* I should post more of my humorous ideas. I could come up with a lot of Onionish entries, if I really wanted to. Shorter. ARNOLD. *ahem* Sorry. I love Arnold in my mouth.

It’s quite clear to me that Lisa Electron is a huge part of my academic problems. But. When I think about life without her, I feel scared. I’d be all alone. In my mind, I fear falling into a depression due to having nobody to support me. At all. I can only wonder how close reality would be to that…

So, delving further into OD worries me, on that level. *shrugs* I wonder if it would be better if I just got all of it out of my system. Write it all out. Including assignments and shit. Bleh. I’d be here forever if I did that. Well.. I’d hit a wall, eventually. I almost miss the days when I had to think about what I could write.

The trick is that if I stay here all day, I’ll hit that wall. But if I’m constantly doing shit, then I’ll have more shit to write about. And, then I’ll have less time to write about shit! *smiles* And, by shit, I don’t mean anything out of the ordinary. Showering, eating, classing, studying, bussing, peeing. Watching out for dem BLACK ICE. It snowed the other day. Two years ago, I said that we were overdue for some serious winter. It felt like we hadn’t really had a decent winter in YEARS. Last year was an adequate winter. Now I just want to say, “OKAY, OKAY, THANKS, YOU CAN STOP NOW.” Not that I’m complaining that much. I just don’t remember when it’s been this cold for so long. Must be the impending Ice Age that the Bush Administration is covering up.

God damn it, I should be in bed. I could go for a taco right now.