The BIGGAYDAN Halloween Special, Part I

“Danny, there’s some boys at the door who claim to be your friends.”

“Uh?”

Halloween. And BIGGAYDAN wanted nothing more than to be left alone. He was prepared to barracade himself in his room for the evening. Not to be, it seems.

“…Do I know you people?”

Blinking a few times, he saw on his doorstep Richard Simmons, Elton John, Abe Lincoln, and ARNOLD. Well, kids in costumes. But, quite convincing. He didn’t know anybody who had arms that could be convincingly as big as ARNOLD’s.

Simmons walked rather gayly towards BIGGAYDAN, “Actually, Danny, you don’t know us. But we know you. And we decided to be your BIGGAYBUDDIES for this evening. You shouldn’t be all cooped up in your room to play with yourself like that. You need the company of men around you. Come trick or treating with us!” Simmons put his arm around BIGGAYDAN.

BIGGAYDAN tried to shrug off the arm, but he persisted. “No, I can’t tonight. A great evil will befall us tonight. I must seek refuge…”

“Oh, don’t be a silly dilly. All we want is some sugar, honey. Go grab your sac so you can show it to people.”

He couldn’t quite digest what he was hearing, “No, I can’t, no, wait, no!! I don’t even have a costume.”

“Of course you do! You’re BIGGAYDAN, everybody’s favorite SUPERGAYHERO.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Pish posh, and you think I enjoy looking at overweight women exercise? Now, let’s shake that tush!” Simmons put his hands on BIGGAYDAN’s ass and began to massage his asscheeks.

“Ah!!”

Elton John moved to BIGGAYDAN’s front. “I’m sorry lad, but if you don’t come willingly, we will be forced to dominate your decision.”

ARNOLD moved forward, as well. “I vill break your vill even iv I have to anally sodomize you.”

“Uhh, guys…..”

Abe spoke, “All your gay are belong to us.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll go with you…”

They walked around rather randomly. Until they came to a certain street. BIGGAYDAN noticed it and commented out loud.

“…Bruce Street? I don’t remember this street being here.”

“Oohh!!” Simmons clapped his hands and jumped up and down. “Bruce is such a gay name. I always imagine a partially-balding gay man who has a panty fetish. Don’t you?”

“No. It’s never crossed my mind.”

“You’re so gay when you deny your gayness, BIGGAYDAN.”

“Shut up, you homo.”

“Hey, that’s what we are.”

They came to the first house on the block. Though the whole one side of the street had houses, the other side was vacant. With their BIGGAYSACS ready, BIGGAYDAN knocked on the door.

“TRICK OR TREAT!”

A full-figured girl wearing some scary make-up appeared at the door.

“Aw, well aren’t you kids so gay? Hi, BIGGAYDAN, I’m so glad you stopped by my house. It’s been so slow tonight! I almost thought we decorated for nothing.”

BIGGAYDAN recognized the lass but didn’t think it would be possible that she’d be there. He simply feigned recognition and held his sac out as she reached in to give them some goodies.

“Hold on, BIGGAYDAN, I have something special for you.” She went back into her house and returned with an ominous can. “I told you I’d get you some booze someday.” She put the can of beer in BIGGAYDAN’s sac. “You BIGGAYKIDS have fun, now!”

They went through the bushes to the next house on the block. BIGGAYDAN reached into his sac, openned the beer, and chugged it in one shot. He had a feeling he’d need it to get through the night.

“TRICK OR TREAT!”

A giant Poptart answered the door. Or, rather, a cute girl in a large poptart outfit.

“You know, I love poptarts. I really do. I’d give you some. Would you like some poptarts?”

The BIGGAYBUDDIES smiled and nodded.

“Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to give out poptarts anymore since FUCKING KELLOGGS THE EVIL COMPANY THAT IT IS SUED ME. I mean, what the fuck? I’m giving them free publicity! What’s wrong with giving away free samples? I bought them. Is there some rule that if I give them to somebody, I have to make a profit? They need to shut the fuck up and let me eat their god-damned product in peace.”

The BIGGAYBUDDIES stook with blank faces. What were they supposed to say to that? The giant Poptart took a bite out of a poptart she had in her hand.

“So, if you want some poptarts, you’ll have to pay me for them. Of course, you’re all too gay for poptarts, so I suppose I’ll just keep them all for myself.”

“I’m not gay!”

“Timmy says you’re gay, BIGGAYDAN. And of course Timmy would never lie about something like that. You should see a shrink. Try the lady next door.”

“I.. I.. I’M NOT GAY!!”

“Go on. You’re too gay for poptarts.”

“I’m not gay enough! I.. I WANT POPTARTS!!”

BIGGAYDAN tried to walk towards the door, but his BIGGAYBUDDIES held him back and effectively removed him from the premises. Poptart could only shake her head and close the door as they moved on to the next house.

“TRICK OR TREAT!”

An older, slightly deranged looking woman answered the door.

“OH MY GOD, ADAM JONES!!!”

“..Who?”

The lady took on a shocked look. She put her arms on BIGGAYDAN’s shoulders and began to shake him.”

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHO ADAM JONES IS?!!”

Barely able to form words, he was able to make out a “no”.

“Oh my god, I want to have all of Adam Jone’s babies. HE MAKES TOOL WHAT IT IS.”

Completely confused due to his lack of musical knowledge on the topic, BIGGAYDAN simply muttered, “Um.. ma`am, can we have some candy?”

“Candy? HA. BIGGAYDAN, I got something sweeter than candy: prescription drugs. God damn, people all over the country are getting high on these things! I bet the War Criminal does a lot…”

She gave a hard look at the BIGGAYBUDDIES and began giving unnamed but appropriate drugs to each of them to fix what ails them. (As Timmy knows jack shit about drugs, period.) She looked BIGGAYDAN calmly in the eyes.

Then exclaimed, “ADAM JONES!!!” She ran back into her house and the door closed behind her.