The minor setback.

I’m a little peeved, to say the least. I got an A- in Probability, a B in Abstract Algebra, and failed advanced calc. I emailed the professor for clarification and he said my overall score was 83 out of 360. I am quite annoyed, angry, and frustrated. There weren’t any exams or even quizzes in the class. The entire grade was based on exercises we needed to hand in, for which there was no hard deadline. I can NOT function without deadlines. I did my best to do all 15 exercises (read: proofs) and did hand them in. But apparently I didn’t learn enough to do them well enough. This means I need to retake the class, which I was only taking as an academic elective in my major.

You know. Grr. GRRR. I have to pay actual money to retake classes, as well as use my own time, and hope I have enough money put aside to pay the rent. I’ve already checked the fall classes, and the professor who taught my probability class is teaching it during a timeslot in the evening. The prof is boring as sin, but he’s a nice guy. This means I’ll have class the time I was expecting to study. It also means I’ll have to take five classes. It’s really, really scary to me, but I’ve never, ever done well taking five classes during a semester. I don’t understand why, but I do my best taking 3-4 classes while working. When I was at Rutgers and “only” taking five classes a semester while dorming, I felt like I couldn’t keep up with things. The days when I was so full of anxiety that I couldn’t sleep.

I’m scared, I am. I’m scared I’ll fall apart like I have in the past. Like a ghost haunting me. I won’t be rid of that ghost until I finish. I’ll allow myself the fear and the doubt now, but I must erase it by the fall. It comes down to attitude and doing everything withing my power to give myself the chance to ace everything. That’s how I got straight A’s in the fall. That’s how I survived the fall 2011 semester at CCM. 12 credits, working 36 hours, AND I completed NaNoWriMo. I don’t believe I missed a workout, either.

You know what’s funny? Last fall, I’d indulge in vodka every saturday night to unwind. Enough to still walk and talk, get a good buzz going. I do wonder whether I need that dedicated relaxation time. I once thought the habitual drinking was a bad thing, so I stopped doing it as much. Now I’m wondering whether that’s what helped me, and why I never felt completely relaxed through this past semester. Yes, I’m suggesting the solution to my problems is VODKA.

I just have to DEAL, you know? I’m taking summer classes to make my last semester easier (it better be), and I’m forced into taking 5 classes in the fall, three of which are for my concentration. Modern Statistics II, Statistical Computing, and Mathematical Modeling. I’m also taking intro to Cryptography as a major elective. Better be fun!

The gym. I’m at the town library, post-workout. It’s all part of my Plan. It’s on the way home, so I have no excuse. I’ll consider these summer classes a warm-up for the fall.

I think the scariest part for anything we do is the thought of putting ALL of our effort forth. So many times we’re tired or distracted or want to do something else or just plain DON’T WANT TO. The gym, cooking healthy food, studying, it all results in a positive outcome. And the outcome directly correlates with the amount of effort put in.

I have to stay positive. I HAVE to stay positive. What did Rocky say? Keep moving forward.