Timmy Manifesto XI.

As I approach thirty years of age, I present you with something special, as I look over the past.

It begins when you recognize that we all have a story of our lives that we’re writing for ourselves as we go. The past begets the future and it’s hard to see any path beyond that which we’ve written for ourselves. The next step is recognizing that the sum of your life events do not dictate the person you will be in the future. Visualize the future you want, recognize clear, easily defined goals. Determine how to reach those goals. Realize that you can create life events to achieve those goals, you can direct the path of your own life. All you have to do is do it. Except, as we know, it’s just not that simple.

If change were as easy as flipping a switch, we wouldn’t have such a plethora of self-help “gurus”. There is no one single right philosophy to propel you in the right direction. The truth may set you free, but knowing the truth is different from living the truth. Hitting rock bottom isn’t something I’d wish on anyone, but I know I got there because I gave up. I felt a complete lack of internal locus of control. I wanted so badly for someone to save me, because I didn’t feel I could save myself. Rock bottom was the moment I couldn’t accept the story I’d written anymore. You can read all the tactics, all the philosophy, all the theory, but nothing makes you understand like experience. All the attempts prior feel like hand-waving and only trying to imitate that which others have experienced. All attempts end with falling flat on your face.

Leave your story behind. Stop believing the future is written in stone. Turn the page.

A more eastern philosophy would say how you need to rely on others. Trust isn’t easy, but you need to learn when to ask for help. Ask when you don’t know something. Tell someone when you care about them. But you can’t expect anybody to run your life for you. Nobody can fix you. The furniture may change, but nobody can change your perspective. Nobody can save you. At best, those close to you will give you the strength that you already had inside you, but couldn’t summon previously. And in our darkest hours, you may be surprised where that strength comes from.

I no longer believe in an objective reality. A friend of mine nearly went mad stressing over the lack of unified theory. To believe there is one giant arching picture which we’re supposed to understand misses something very, very important. We all may live and die in a mere blip in the cosmic timeline, but in all of time and space, there will only ever be one of us. You need to recognize that you’re the most important person in your life. We are all differently shaped islands, albeit some similar than other, yearning for a continent. This is why people find niches or groups with similar ideologies, as if to validate their existence. Remember, you are the only person in the world with your subjective reality. Know YOUR reality.

Our story is only loosely based our lives. If you asked all of the people in your life to recount some event if your life, you’d get typically similar (and sometimes dissimilar entirely) depiction. But never exactly the same. Stop letting your story be written for you. I use a lot of campy references to motivate myself. It was pointed out to me once that these are all works of fiction. Yet so many of us have a far, far worse fiction in our heads. Why should we have any reason to believe in ourselves? We could just as easily fall flat on our faces. Because the alternative is running away from our dreams or our problems, and neither can be dealt with unless we stand and fight. Sometimes we need to turn to another’s fiction to replace the fiction in our head.

We are our own worst critics. We all hate those egotistical bastards whose actions live up to to their boasts. We never want to be them. In the quest for change, there’s always that voice in the back of your head. There is no difference between lying to yourself and telling yourself you’re hot shit, and lying to yourself and telling yourself you’re worthless. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and take pride in the fact that you will rise above them. As my sister said to me once, people are too wrapped up in their own lives to give a shit about you. All those mistakes you made? Nobody gives a shit except you. Stop beating yourself up for a mistake the rest of the universe has long since forgotten. (And if someone does give you shit, they can go fuck themselves, because their opinion doesn’t matter.)

The truth will set you free. The first duty to yourself should be to the truth, whether it’s scientific truth, or historical truth, or personal truth, it is the guiding principle. Trust yourself. Look inside yourself and find your truth. See past all the lies and fictions. Listen to your feels. Find your intuition. What has it been saying all along? Trust yourself. There’s a good chance you’re not some horrible monster who would go on a murderous rampage left to your own devices. Be a dick, let people dislike you. Be inconsistent, defy all expectations of yourself, especially your own. Let fear instead be a signal that you should stride forth onto the battlefield with your head held high. Better to die on your feet than live on your knees. Stop running. Tomorrow will come no matter what unless you’re dead, make the most of today. The belief that you’re incapable of victory is a lie. With all these lies in the world, make your own. Just a little white lie. Tell yourself you’re awesome despite your imperfections. Tell yourself you have the power, even if you may not. The truth will set you free, so if the lie is the truth then you’re golden. Be like OJ, believe your lie.

This isn’t a weekend fix. This isn’t a summer camp nor a feel-good counseling session. This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. Every moment will just become another thread in the tapestry we’re weaving. Why bother? On a long enough timeline, the life expectancy of everyone drops to zero. Suffering is a natural part of the human experience, nothing will compeltely allieviate it. Except, we suffer when we stop trying. It is human nature to want order, something that is always fleeting while the universe still tends towards entrophy. To keep moving forward, you have to resolve yourself to fight. Dedicate yourself to the struggle.

It’s not how hard you hit. It’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. Fuck the setbacks, get back up. Fuck mistakes, fuck luck, and fuck anybody who doubts you, especially yourself. There is no horizon over which there is a green field, sunny sky, and endless happiness. If you want happiness, you have to commit yourself to working towards it, towards whatever in your life makes you happy. And if you don’t know what makes you happy, keep searching. Day by day, it CAN get better. You CAN find yourself happier more days than not. Happiness earned is a victory of the heart, rather than a victory of fleeting circumstances. Follow your heart, especially if it’s in the exact opposite direction of everything you ever expected. Eye of the tiger. Never give up. Trust your instincts. Do a motherfucking barrel roll.