TimmyTherapy™.

An inspiration prompted by Darcey™, I suppose. She pointed out yesterday, looking through entries of the past year, that she was expecting me to spell out details somewhere. Reflecting, I see how I really don’t point out the day-to-day events of my life. I’ve attempting to compensate for this fact that writing more Daily Recaps. Just to add a semblence of continuity between entries.

What do I write about? Even when I was writing in code, or writing with a facade in front of me, I seem to consistently write how I feel. Sometimes it’s a jumbled mess, but it’s an articulate jumbled mess. I can see past the surface to see how I really was (I lived through it, after all), but I read expecting my former self to rise above and get it. But I wouldn’t, and I’d move on to the next entry to see the pattern repeat itself.

Maybe that’s the feeling that other people have gotten. Watching, hoping I’d eventually get it, only to collapse again. Disheartening, no?

Of course, that’s past tense. Looking over the entries of the past few months, I see my entries are very emotional, but very direct. I not only understand the why, I understand what it is I’m feeling. It’s such a bitch when you’re feeling something, but you don’t know what that something is. It takes patience beyond patience to say to yourself, “Okay self, calm down, we’re going to sort this out and figure out what it is you’re really feeling.”

But long before I started throwing myself against walls, I hide behind them. Emotions? Problems? I just didn’t write about them. If I did, I’d be cryptic, and then just pretend nothing happened in the next successive entries. I hated feeling weak, so I just didn’t express that.

Not to criticize to tell anybody else what to do with their own damn diaries, but it’s a pattern I see a lot on OD. It’s hard letting go and expressing yourself in a public form. It requires you be a bit secure in yourself. It requires you trust the forum. And more importantly, it requires you to love yourself.

I used to detail-analyze to death as much as anybody else. Okay, I can’t reference anything offhand, just trust me, I did. I remember pacing in my room thinking about every possible way a situation could go. I’d think about things that have happened and think about why every last thing happened, without really reaching any conclusion. Erradicating this tendency was never really an objective, but it’s quite clear I’ve matured beyond it.

As I say so often, I don’t read words when I read entries. I just sort of feel the entries and respond to what I feel. It’s taken a lot of trust in myself to go on these hunches. I can’t remember anybody ever telling me that I’m off-base, so I can only assume my hunches have been either dead-on or close enough that nobody could argue with me. Feeling entries is the reason typical Daily Recaps tend to numb me. Writing the emotional landscape of your day will trigger much more in me than annotating what you ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, albeit how interesting those meals might be.

The insecurity with expressing emotions is the reason I recommended to Jill to try some TimmyTherapy™. A combination of things can cause a repressive style of writing. For most people, naked emotions tend to be sensitive things which they just don’t feel qualified to respond to. No? My heartfelt entries don’t get much of an articulated response as when I write something comical that everybody can relate to. Or so I’ve noticed.

I simply told Jill to write the emotional landscape of her day (in favorite’s-only entries for peace of mind) for one week. Just to see what would happen. It’s something even I may not have been open to once upon a time. Once upon a time, I may have claimed that I simply did not know how I was feeling. That giant question mark reflecting my inner chaos.

What are you writing about? What are you really sharing? Are you lying to yourself and everybody else by pretending everything is okay? Okay, okay, gross emotional sharing isn’t for everybody. It’s just a suggestion. A thought. When take a step back and tap into our emotional core, something vere pure is expressed. Call it calm combined with The Vision, but I simply don’t get writer’s block anymore. For entries, I’ve conquered my perfectionism, little steps and little tricks at a time, and regardless of whether it was intended to say, it ends up being exactly what I needed to say.

What are you saying? Give it a week. Consider it an emotional purge. Of emotional plaque. Can’t let it all build up, or it’ll explode.