Unacceptable.

I’ve been apathetic for so long that I think I’ve heard every motivational speech in the book. Every last quip about how you can do anything you want. Every cheer about potential. All the rhetoric. I’ve gone through so many motivational mottos – none of them ever seemed to work.

I also hate whining about how I can’t do anything.

The facts are as such. I sleep when the sun is up. I have trouble falling asleep, and I have trouble waking up. This can not be allowed to pass for much longer. It is unacceptable. I went to bed at 6 AM last night and couldn’t fall asleep until 8 AM. Tossing and turning. Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous. I can do better, and I have done better. There was one short span in college, it was after the spring break of 2002, where I slept good. I went to bed around 10 PM (or before midnight), and woke up around 6 AM. Naturally. And I felt refreshed. I got up and chatted with Mary. One of the few idiots awake at that hour, I’d see her off to school. *laughs* It didn’t last forever. My sleep slowly crept further into the night and I’d wake up around 9 AM. Which was still very refreshing considering I didn’t have classes earlier than 9:50.

But this. I can’t fucking fall asleep. And when I get out of bed, I don’t really feel “rested”. Unacceptable. I got up today at, what, 6 PM? Fuck it. Even with 9 hours of sleep, a person still has 15 hours awake. I’m easily good until 9 AM. (I know my fatigue for staying up tends to hit around the 24 hour mark. I’m technically good until 6 PM tomorrow, but nevermind that.) 9 AM. Isn’t that the time I’m supposed to be awake for anyway? I felt such pride last Wednesday when I got those two applications. I’ve idled since then. One of the many mottos to cross my path has been “tomorrow starts today”. Which, it literally does.

I may lay down before the sun gets up to “convince” my body of what time it is. We’ll see. I’ll shower and shave and pretend I’m one with the world.

I don’t have forever. I know I have it in me. I want to show my dad that I can do it on my own. I want to show Paige that I don’t need her help.

Paige. I feel much better since I “let her go”. I had to eliminate any sexual tension between us. I remember talking to her on the phone about it before, but she didn’t seem to get it. She’d give me lines about how we could sleep in the same bed again simply because “we’ve done it before”. It’s hard to resist her because, hey, I still have feelings for her. Emotionally and physically. I still have desires.

But it’s important to keep my head on straight. I found one phrase that seemed to get through to her. I told her she isn’t right for me. Which is hard to fathom while I talk to her, but easy to understand once I really start thinking about our relationship. She tended to be a bit dramatic about our disagreements. More often than not, she’d be the one to get pissed at me. While talking to Ally last night, I realized something: I have a spine. I’m not so feable-minded to blindly ask for forgiveness. No, if she ever had issues with me, I’d talk it out with her. In other words, I’d try to figure out what the hell she thought I did wrong. If I understood her and considered her concerns the slightest bit valid, I’d apologize.

I remember the time she chewed me out for not helping her mom with the bags we were carrying. She made a big stink about how her mother needs help and is too proud to ask for help. Thing is. My mom has MS. It was very insulting to me for her to accuse me of not giving a shit about helping her mom. Paige may take the philosophy of giving her mom zero responsibility in terms of carrying things, but I’ve been taught over the years that people should be allowed to do what they can do. And the thing is, I’ve helped her mom before, when she wasn’t around. So you know what I did? I asked for an apology. She was still pissed at me, so I didn’t get one until some time later. And it was obviously not an apology she was readily willing to give.

I’m not saying I’m free of querks. I know I annoyed her good. Yet.

I remember how Paige would give me the speeches about how important honesty and communication is in a relationship. Okay, yes, all good. But what started as honesty turned into her asking endless questions to me. Or so it felt. I stopped feeling free, and I felt watched. How can I feel free when she is constantly asking what I’m doing, and later teases me for what I do in my spare time?

But, no matter. It’s not so much what happened, but how it happened. I remember something I told her late July, that really upset her. I told her that I didn’t think we had really connected. And I consider everything we’ve been through. Have we really connected on a deeper level? I just don’t feel it. We had our good moments. We had plenty of good times. Yet, something was missing. Blinded by love, I trudged forward, accepting her. Just how I am.

Five years ago, I was desperate to get back with a girl I barely knew. And here I’ve let go a girl I know loves me. It’s hard to let go of somebody you know will have sex with you. Hey, it’s the truth. I have grown light years since those fledgling years. I’ve grown a spine. Whether it’s Cliff’s influence which got me off that pussy-worship philosophy I had going, or whether it was Pilgrim saying she wanted a guy that had, well, a spine, I don’t know. But I know now that I’m worth something. I almost felt bad sometimes, when Paige pointed out that I didn’t care how she felt. Yet. In retrospect, I can’t help but wonder if that was supposed to have been a passive form of emotional manipulation that I didn’t fully fall for.

But, no matter. She isn’t malicious and she never intented to do any harm. She just has issues, and she needs her defensive mechanisms professionally disarmed. I know I need mine disarmed.

My hair needs to grow. I keep waking up with bedhair.

I find it fascinating how I feel now. I never really felt depressed over Paige specifically. I was just easier to say “heartbroken” that first week than to say “Dude, I haven’t a fucking clue how I’m going to pull this off.” Overwhelmed. And now I realize that the loneliness I feel now is simply the same loneliness I felt when I was single. And this massive hairy-pussy-in-face desire. Well. I remember having those when I was single, too. *snickers* Only now, thanks to experience, my fantasies are a bit more realistic.

Yet I’ve never had a wet dream, and I probably never will.

Jannney sent me candy. My dad said to me, “I’ve never gotten a package from Australia before.” I said to him, “I have fans all across the world.”

The Aussie accent is HOTHOTHOT. In case you didn’t know, or haven’t read me stating so before.

It occurred to me that I’ve run into more Aussielanders than Europeans. Then I realized that most of europe doesn’t speak english. I don’t think I’ve talked to anybody from BritishLand on IM. *shrugs* Strange.

..Some Aussie I ran into on OkCupid told me that if you don’t vote in Aussieland, you get fined. She then claimed she has worked at elections before and a lot of people leave their votes blank. This was very hard for me to believe, and I’m still not sure whether to believe her or not. At least that article about how “None of the above” won on a ballot in Russia is believable.

And like how so many other entries have ended before, I’m going to go pee.