US Government Declared Monopoly.

(WASHINGTON, DC) In a headline that just slipped under the radar of everybody paying attention, the US government was declared a monopoly by a special committee headed by former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole. This should come as a surprise to everybody who thought they had a choice in their government. Said Bob Dole, “We can prove, conclusively, that there is only one government of ruling this United States of America. One Federal set of rules. One local set of rules for each locality. One military. Geez, how did this slip by everybody? The US Government has to be the largest monopoly in the world!”

This journalist checked dictionary.com for a definition of just what a monopoly is. I discovered that a monopoly is as follows: “Exclusive control by one group of the means of producing or selling a commodity or service” Bob Dole explained, “It’s clear that the US government sells laws and control to the American people. As citizens of this land, we can not stand idly while this monopoly controls who we can and can not marry, among other things. Did you know you can get fined for driving TOO FAST? Who voted on this? I didn’t vote on this. If you’re on the autobahn, you can go as fat as you want. But, not in America. In America, you go as fast as the US government says.

The US Government was chartered in 1776 without the consent of it’s parent company, the British Monarchy. Naturally, the King of the British Monarchy was none too pleased with this and set forth to reacquire and merge with the newfound United States of America. In 1861, there were differences within the US government and the south started a venture company called “The Confederate States of America.” The US Government, convinced that the south’s bartering practices would hurt them, sought to reacquire the Confederates. Unlike the original revolution, the Confederate venture failed and they merged back with The United States of America.

The United States of America grew from ocean to ocean, with “God blesses us and nobody else because we’re Americans” it’s company motto. With the exception of Dubya Dubya One, the United States of America had a policy of acquiring only ventures that were unestablished and unknown. After Dubya Dubya Two, The United States of America went on full trade war, acquiring businesses that wanted to be left alone. The US Government went so far as to claim that their business practices were best and anybody with contrary business practices should be assimilated into the collective.

Bob Dole explained the situation. “It’s all very clear from President Bush’s last State of the Union speech. I don’t really know how we missed it at the time. Here, let me play the tape for you…”

We are America.
Lower your guns and anti-aircraft artillery
You will be assimilated
Your biological and technological likenesses will become a part of our own
Your culture will come to service us
Resistance is futile
Terrorism against our nation will not stand

Again, our faithful public servant Bob Dole explained what might happen if a junction against the US Government is passed, “Well, for one, people are actually going to get choice about their government. We’re thinking of having each state be separate from each other. Fifty states. Fifty different choices. And maybe let people choose their leaders. But, I don’t know, people are kinda stupid when it comes to choosing their leaders. Why in the world would anybody want Al Gore to be their president is beyond me…”