Just something I wrote last month

also sorry if some of yall like get triggered for this 😭😭 but pls this is just a vent dump no need to be worried🙏🙏

Like idk I just really wanna blow my brains out rn at this point in time

I thinks it’s cuz I brought up my dad again

And how he’s only ever been to one of my birthdays

And how I have dad issues and mom issues really bad

And me and trinity just got really deep into a convo

And my face is all got rn thinking about all that

Trin asked me if I would be sad if my dad died

I immediately said yes

And trin really asked why I answered so fast

And idk I would really miss my dad if he died because I’ve never had a normal daughter dad relationship and I crave it so bad too

Like

I’m really sad thinking about it

I wish I didn’t think about it again

I hate myself

And my life

My family

I really wish I had a better and safer family

Trin also said that she hates that I don’t forgive my dad because she says to always appreciate the little things even if there fake

And that hit me really hard today

It made me think about my whole life

And I hate that

God

I wanna get in the shower and cry so bad

I’m so ugly

And fat

I can’t even cry over this shit fr

I have to force myself really

Why does it always have to be my fault that I won’t forgive and forget how my dad was and the way he treated me

Like I’m heartbroken even if that sounds cringey idc

Saige and my dad have a better relationship

I’m jealous

I want to have conversations with my dad and sit next to him in the living room without feeling weird

I want to sit next to him in the car and not feel like I’m being weird and feeling ugly and worthless

I want to hug my dad for real like with love

And affection

Not fake and awkward

Like Saige says I should just hangout with him and stop being a fucking bitch because our dad did nothing wrong

Like when him and Morgan used to fight

And throw thing at each other and cps would be called sometimes when they fought

And I would have to lie to then because my dad told me too

And having him talk to me in the car by myself on why I told the cps worker it was scary when they fought

But he’s changed

He’s not like that anymore

I want to believe that

And idk maybe I do because he hasn’t been like that since I was a little girl

But

I was just so scared to mess up in front of him because

This one time

I accidentally got Jaden finger pinched in the door and blamed it on Bailey

And my dad grabbed her hand and slammed it in the draw of a dresser

And her crying

It’s my fault

I’m a sick person

She was just a little girl

But so was I

But that’s no excuse there’s something deeply wrong with me

God I need to stop thinking and writing about these memories it’s making me feel a deep pit in my stomach or chest

And my body is almost shaking

Omg

Why am I like this

Please god why

I know this is my fault but why this family

?

Am I some chosen doomsday child?

Like why do I have to be going through this

And feeling this way

There’s nothing I can do or god

Sorry god

But I guess I am doomed

I just want to be normal

And grow up a normal life

And I know People go through worse shit but that’s no excuse to invalidate my feelings and my experiences

What I’m going through

it’s not supposed to be happening

It’s all against the law in so many ways

But I can’t say anything about it

And I never can

I have to hold this secret in for life

God

I can’t do this rn

I think I’m gonna have a breakdown or something

I’m breathing too hard

I need to slow down

A take a step back

I texted that boy and told him he’s going to fast

And now I’m shaking

I’m gonna puke

But I need to get in the shower

I might ghost him because I’m scared

And like idk what to do

But now I need to shower so

I guess bye?