Jealous Bitch

Is what i’m apparently turning into.  Bluh, I don’t like it.  I didn’t get accused of it or anything but I feel like I am acting like one.  I know he has friends and stuff and I know all the texts that come through are from friends, but I just feel like I should be able to know who he is texting and all of that stuff.  I am not one to force the issue though.  I don’t ever feel like I should have to be like "who was that or "who’s texting you at this hour" when a string of texts comes through at 12:30, you know?

every time my phone goes off that late, I’m like jesus, what does, so and so want.  then again, I have specific tones for each person.  and i also don’t delete all of my texts from the log.  which i dunno.  whatever that’s just another thing.  but whatever not gonna even touch that one with a ten foot pole either.  but why am I feeling all these feelings of jealousy so rampant?

It’s like with the AFF thing too?  I love that site, I really do because there are some really amazing people on there.  I go on there to chat with people and that’s it.  I get on the IM and chat and a lot of people just mad because they are obviously looking to hook up but I’m like no I’m just here to chat.  My profile says that I’m just there to chat.  I have not touched any other Man besides Randy since October 1, 2012.  I go into the chat rooms and chat with whoever is there.  But It’s not like i’m going on there and browsing profiles and sending out messages to people looking for hookups, you know?  No, I AM ACTUALLY JUST THERE TO CHAT!!! 

I know I changed my information to say that I am attached and all that, maybe that’s the problem, his profile is still the same, none of his information has changed and I don’t think he has any intention of changing it.  We both have Gold Memberships, the only difference is that his is a paid membership and mine is not.  That’s one of the perks of being a female.  Females have "ice breakers" and we can get a free years worth of Gold Membership for free.  

Perhaps that’s where the jealousy is coming from.  I know we talked about jealousy the other day and he mentioned that his jealousy level is really high in regards to guys being after me and I was like yeah I’m the same way, but that.  I was like I get hit on daily in the chat room and stuff, but I’m like sorry guys, I’m taken.  It says it on my profile.  A lot of the guys can’t read profiles on their because they aren’t paying members, so they IM me and that’s when I tell them I’m there just to chat so they get kind of upset are like then why even be on here.  Then I’m like I need an outlet for when I’m home alone when my man is at work.  A lot of them understand and we sometimes have a decent conversation, a lot of them just close the chat down and go try to find some pussy.  lol.  

But anyway…he already knows that I feel this way, regarding the jealousy…It’s aggravating because I have obviously never HAD to feel this way.  I hate it…I really do.  I’m not worried that he’s gonna go out and do something because like I said before, he knows how it feels having someone cheat on him, because he walked in on his ex, Lori with someone, so I don’t think he would ever do that, but just that feeling of jealousy deep inside knowing that there are obviously other people out there that are garnering for his attention is what bothers me so much, you know?  bluh.  lol.  

But i’ve seen all those picture things that says a jealous girlfriend means she cares or something like that.  It’s true.  I just…I love him a lot.  I never in my life imagined that someone would stick by my side through all this bullshit that I have to deal with.  I think after David pulled his crap and just disappeared when I was having my mental breakdown through all of that, I kind of figured Randy would do the same thing…and this time it was like 50 times worse.  But he’s still here, so I don’t even get it….lol.  He’s always saying "i’m not going anywhere" and I believe him.  I just keep doubting it at the same time.

I always feel like I’m just a stop in his road.  Like he’s just looking for an out.  Like one day he’s gonna say, well, I found something better…thanks for letting me stay here while I got my feet under me.  You know what I mean?  And if He does, then so fucking be it.  lol.  I’ll just move on and figure shit out for myself because that’s how I fucking do shit.  I may seem like I can’t do shit for myself right now, and I honestly can’t….lol, but I will be able to, I’ll get by one way or another.  

I don’t know why i’m saying that, because obviously I still have my man, and He’s "not going anywhere".  So as long as I still have him that’s all that matters.  but I’m just having one of those days.  I’m going to finish up this entry and hope my "Alice In Wonderland" moment passes soon, I’m currently floating above the computer…FML….I gotta do laundry too.  urgh…hah.  hope you all have a great day.  sorry this entry is kind of all over the place.  

have a good one.