Disconnect in Michigan

And we are back in Michigan. Man I don’t know if i missed timed a dose of allergy medication or what but I feel bizarre. Like everything is swollen and stuffy but someone filled with dense fluid that weighs my face down.

I continue to fail Nox. Last night she looked at some pins on the board and got upset because she said they were sexual. I almost was gobsmacked because I spent this whole time trying to choose pins that specifically were not sexual and when I found ones that were I made sure to add them to the board with Nox. Now because of that fuck up I spent the whole morning reassuring her that I don’t think of Voidy sexually when Nox and I are intimate. Couple that with her inability to see past me being intimate with someone else and to me it sounds like I should recuse myself from the throuple.

I’m going to put texts that Nox sent me for my future reference.

“You always seemed to present it as girls I date = no jealousy from you. So, that’s the framework thst got laid in my head and I’ve not been able to undo it.”

I don’t know how to get you to undo it and I don’t know that you need to. For example, it would bother me a lot if you wanted to see men; so, I get what you’re saying.

“I was enjoying the dynamic between the three of us. Even the sexually charged dynamic. But having no mooring on any establishment of boundaries or what is comfortable for me isn’t helpful while I watch you be flirtatious with her and become more invested in her.”

Was is the key word here for me. If the enjoyment has ended then the things around it must end as well. I’m flabbergasted at reading this honestly. I don’t know how to maintain the throuple and NOT interact flirtatiously. And even if there were not a throuple I would still invest in Voidy and Nox. Not to mention all the times that Voidy left and ghosted. I was with Nox before Voidy and I do not understand why she cannot see that I put way more into my relationship with Nox. Voidy has allowed a space for this flirtation and stuff but there has been no in person stuff. I don’t understand why Nox doesn’t go “Oh, Stephen has literally covered all of my expenses and loves me so much that he is willing to do all this shit for me, and I don’t see him doing that for Voidy. Maybe I don’t need to feel threatened.”

Anyways. For now i have removed Tellonym and Pinterest icons from my home screen. I am just going to pull waaaay back on things that Nox might see. The thing is, based on the Twitter reactions of the past, this shit will continue. The only reason Nox doesn’t feel weird about that is because she doesn’t look at it and she can’t see my likes. Granted I don’t modify my activity because of it, but Nox looked at my bookmarks for like 5 minutes and felt weird about the futa stuff.

I suppose that I need to accept that ultimately there will always be something that Nox doesn’t approve of that I do. She will probably have to figure that out for herself. All i can do is remind her that I love her and i will do anything for her.

Thinking: I am always so annoyed with myself.

Music; none, was watching Combo breaker earlier