Thoughts out of head

Right now I am drinking and participating in a group chat with Nox and Voidling. I deeply appreciate them taking the time to include me. This definitely has slight third wheel vibes to it, because do not think I didn’t notice them both declaring their love for each other and not sayings anything about me, but that is not important. What is important is that they feel comfortable to share that at all!

I definitely had a slight collywobbles moment during all of that but it was overshadowed by how cute they are. Remember, Nox feels more whole this way. So it’s worth any momentary discomfort. Said discomfort is due to my own  weakness. No one is saying I’m not wanted or I’m not enough. That’s my own brain saying that stuff! And Nox always wants me.. so I know my own brain is conspiring against me.

It was truly special to be a part of the evening. Previously I think that would have been a more then 1 on 1 type deal. I can’t believe they included me. I feel like I have to work extra hard to make sure that I’m worthy of them both.

It’s funny that I’m listening to DMC stuff throughout all of this.

I also deeply appreciate Nox being open to me messaging her throughout all of this. I am doing my damnedest to not burden her. I know that sometimes I will end up momentarily alone because of their bond, but that’s okay. Remember that it is momentary. It will be okay!

I almost misstepped by bringing up the daddy thing but I controller it nicely. I didn’t mean for Voidy to respond that way, but I had not discussed it with Nox so It ended up being ridiculously awkward.

If I’m being honest with myself, the group dynamic almost always makes me feel third wheel-y, but it’s because I curate an environment to make sure they both feel comfortable. It feels like I’m sacrificing something but I’m not sure what yet.

Either way, if Nox and Voidy are happy, it is worth it. I already know what is going to happen if Voidy joins us for pride. Nox will be around until Voidy shows up. Then she’s going to disappear for awhile. Which is fine. I just have to make sure to steel myself. While I’m stuck at that booth without both of them, I expect my chest to feel weird.

I will not allow Nox to caretake my feelings. I am a man. I have to be here and be a rock.for both of them. Not the time for feeling left out. Things will always come back around. Take your time… Don’t forget to breathe.