Justin, Ed, & Lewis: Unexpected Angels.

Hello there, Ara. I assume all has been well while I have been away. Of course, it has only been two weeks, so it is definitely not as though I have never been gone for longer.

Now for the reason that I’m here once more.

For the past three or four months, I’ve been feeling more moody, girly, emotional, irrational, upset, and depressed than usual.
Most of this I know is because of school ending and my overly-dramatic anger towards Nina’s departure from high school, but it’s also because I did something stupid…VERY stupid.

I mentioned it in a previous entry (an entry that I think is now private) that I’d somewhat forced my friendship onto someone and also forced the idea into my head that maybe if I did so, we’d actually be friends. The problem isn’t the other person, though; it’s me, definitely me. You see, I do this thing where I do something annoying to someone or just CONSTANTLY attempt to converse with them, which usually ends in a one-sided conversation or something and leaves me feeling like I’m a bothersome creature in this world. Then, when I notice it, I apologize a lot for it and feel really embarrassed and stupid, but then I go and do the same damn thing again later.

So. I’ve been doing that a lot with this person and that added with all of the things that I idiotically told them without really thinking about how TMI and NOT OKAY it was for me to say, has become another piece of why I feel the way I feel lately.

Another reason is because I’ve been thinking about Jay more again. It started with the mall, I think, and then with me telling that other person about him, and then at some point I tried to talk to him on Gmail and he blew me off when I NEEDED him, and then he added me back on facebook, and then he got back with his girl friend (yeah, THAT one), and now I just don’t know. I thought that I’d gotten over how used and unwanted I felt after last year but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I KNOW that I’m always gonna love him and all, but I didn’t think that the self-image he left me with was going to last along with it. I feel unlovable, even though I know there are probably people out there who love me. I feel used, but I don’t understand what I was used for other than mushy-gushy compliments and emotional love (nope, not physical, I don’t roll that way). I feel gullible. I feel so freaking stupid. I feel unworthy. I feel like I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life at waaaaaay too young of an age. I see myself as Nothing and part of me is absolutely ashamed that I could ever let some stupid boy ruin my self-image, but somehow I just can’t seem to help it.

Now I’ll move on to tell you that music is an important part of my life. Music is the epitome of what a god SHOULD be. Music is MY god. Music fixes and heals when it can and consoles when it cannot. Music can emphasize current feelings or change them altogether. Music is a uniting force that disregards languages, races, nationalities, stereotypes, ages, gender, everything. Music is easily the biggest thing that got me through my parents’ divorce (the people who should’ve been there for me were one of the smallest things, if they even count anymore). Music lets me enjoy the great times, but more importantly helps me through the things that I don’t know how to handle on my own. This is the part of music that I want to talk about.

Over these past few months, I’ve been trying to turn to music with all of my problems, but it hasn’t been working. Music typically doesn’t let me down, but I know that it can happen and I wasn’t surprised that it WAS happening. Then, some Angels showed up.

The first Angel came while Nina was driving me home one evening. We were talking about how if we could put our brains and skills into one person, they would be perfect. As we said this, the radio began to play the chorus of Justin Timberlake’s ‘Mirrors’ ("It’s like you’re my mirror…") and we both said something along the lines of "Wow, Justin knows us so well!" Though the comments weren’t the wittiest and the song probably wasn’t written to originally be taken the way we were taking it, I realized that it was kind of true. I went home and listened to the entire song. Don’t misunderstand me here; it wasn’t the first time I’d listened to the song, but it WAS the first time I’d listened to it with the thought that it fit my relationship with Nina. The repetitive "You are [you are] the love of my life" line was originally my favorite part of the song because of the way it sounds in the song, but now my favorite is "Yesterday is history/Tomorrow’s a mystery/I can see you lookin’ back at me/Keep your eyes on me." Listening to that, I realized that what we’ve had all of these years isn’t GONE, it’s just the past ("Yesterday was history), and though our future isn’t certain (Tomorrow’s a mystery), it’s not like she’s going to leave and forget about my existence (I can see you lookin’ back at me); I’m not going to LET her forget about me (Keep your eyes on me), I’m not going to let our parting ruin the nine years of history that we’ve got behind us.

My second Angel came just as unexpectedly. I was wandering Youtube (I can’t recall why) and I ended up on Ed Sheeran’s music video for "Lego House" (I can’t recall how), and it felt like the first time listening to it again. It was just as awe-inspiring and beautiful as the first time I’d listened to it, and the video somehow felt equally amazing and wonderful. I’m actually listening to the song right now and it’s still just as beautiful. There’s not much specific and relatable about the song, but the lyrics make me feel happier about the world, love, and just life in general and the video makes my heart so happy, then the video breaks my heart just a bit, and then it brings the pieces back together and makes my heart happy again. It sounds great, makes me feel great, and just IS great. Ed Sheeran became an Angel because, since that day, I’ve been able to go back to this video to put a smile on my face and make me feel better.

My third Angel wasn’t exactly that unexpected and doesn’t exactly count as music, but I think it counts anyways. You see, Lewis Carroll is my favorite writer, and "Life Is But A Dream" is his greatest poem (not my FAVORITE, just his greatest), so having Lewis Carroll as my third Angel because of that poem is not that odd to me. In general, Lewis Carroll’s inability to find a realistic Love paired with his disregarding ambition give me hope for life. This poem, though, is rather opposite to me. TO ME, it feels like he is bothered constantly by the looming presence of his Love. He wants to forget about her, he wants to move on with life like everyone and everything else is doing already, but he can’t. The feeling that someone as amazing (to me) as Lewis Carroll could have ever felt so similarly to myself makes my world feel that much less…small and insignificant, as though maybe I do matter and maybe someone with problems as simple as being unable to move on from a Love has a chance to do something with their life. It’s something so difficult to put into words…

Together, these three men have made everything that’s happened over these months seem 1) more POSITIVE and not nearly as dramatic as I originally thought 2) enjoyable, love

ly, and perfect 3) insignificant (to a certain degree), yet relatable and NOT uncommon and idiotic. These are my Angels right now, my fantastically magical Angels, the ones that have helped me remember what’s important, what holds me together, what makes life worth living…

And now I must end this with something that I can’t help but do.
It’s a shameful reference to MY OWN work, yet I think it’s perfect.
Plus, the person I was talking about before claims to really like that particular work of mine, so I relate that work to them and it fits…

ANYWAYS.

Good night, my Angels. (: