limbo
April 25, 2019
You do this to yourself.
You know how to clean up every mess in your life, you’re just acting lazy
Starting is the hardest part. Once you’ve got it,
You’ve got it.
April 29, 2019
3x week guitar
4x week gym
Work
6:00 am wake up every weekday when working in the morning
Breakfast
Gym
Get ready for work
Work at Barclays
Work at gym
8:00 am when I don’t work in the morning
Breakfast
Gym
Smoothie
Guitar
Lunch
Gap
Work 4-8
February 20, 2021
I have this weird relationship with structure, what I grew up learning it to be always made me feel trapped. i saw the system for what it was—I didn’t feel above it but I saw it for what it was; militant father, helicopter mother, a school system that was designed to cater to children who could apparently live up to expectations I couldn’t, I just felt stifled beneath a stifling trajectory for my life that didn’t make sense or fit how I saw myself and that I never asked to be apart, I saw it all as a cookie cutter society and bro lmao I’m not cookie dough, I’m a human being
And yet now, structure is something I feel I need more than anything, I just think the only kind that will work is the kind I create for myself and the hurdle I’m to cross over is settling the seemingly eternal debate between the child within me and the reasonable adult within me, the one with the questions and the one with the answers. The child wins a lot because it always wanted to. Growing up is delegating between the two in a way that propels me and doesn’t keep my stagnantly living out my sneak-out-the-window self urges and tendencies and away from the golden stuff
May 2, 2019
A farmer builds a picket fence creating a generous amount of space to plant a big, beautiful garden. He puts months of work into it; he strains his back from the physical labor, exhausts himself day through night with unwavering dedication. He plants the seeds, sits at his front porch and beams with pride at his miraculous preparation. If he closes his eyes, he can see the flourishing garden. He can see the orchids, the strawberries, the kumquats, the sunflowers.
He goes to bed with a smile on his face, hopeful and eager to begin.
He awakes with a start. He eats his breakfast, puts his overalls on, and goes out into the yard to greet the garden that awaits him. What he needs: water. This is something he needs to go down to the well and get, which is a two and a half mile walk. Two and a half miles? Easy peasy. He goes and returns with a bucket of water and even though it leaves him tired, he feels a great sense of pride in himself that he has put forth the effort.
The next day, he has other matters to attend to, and he doesn’t have the time to go down to the well and get water. It won’t be a big deal, he tells himself, I’ll just get water tomorrow.
Tomorrow never comes. Other things keep getting in the way and the two and a half mile walk that “wasn’t so bad” now seems like a really long walk.
He has vinegar in his cupboard, so he waters his plants with that instead, out of convenience and because hey, at least it’s something.
Days go by and his plants begin to die. He’s angry with himself. He knows why they died, and the defeat is so crushing that he still refuses to take the time to change anything.
That’s where I’m at.
June 3, 2019
Your love is so pure, your intentions so clean
And I’m just searching for the cancer in it all
You deserve more than that
So I suppose I’ll just love you and I suppose you can love me
I’ll trust you like I need you to trust me
Relinquish my deepest fears of being left behind or wronged
Pretend any anguish from the past doesn’t matter now
Because it doesn’t but it isn’t gone,
And I’m sorry I’m so wrong in knowing how to show you how I really feel, I’m sorry for my control issues and I’m sorry for all I project
I’m new to “healthy” love
But I’m prepared to navigate it
Just don’t fucking fuck me over, please
Because I’m quite literally placing all of me in the palm of your hand
June 6, 2019
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE RESULTS UNTIL YOU’VE MASTERED THE ART OF SHOWING UP
June 22, 2019
if you don’t know me by now you never will
you seem to lack the depth that is needed to see mine
you say you’re tired of not understanding me, shit, i am tired of not being understood
we speak different languages, my love
and i am
sick of
translating
June 24, 2019
I’m only fooling myself when I say I don’t need to be loved
Independent and strong, that’s me
Ambitious and powerful, comfortable in solitude, always courageous, I-don’t-need-your-help-I-will-do-it-my-damn-self, thank you very much,
And more than any of those things, I am desperate for love
Gasping for it like a fish out of water
Fiending like an addict
The lack of it dwindles my power while an abundance will amplify it
I’ll never admit that aloud
When loved, everything I am is validated, I am validated to an exponential face value
Being myself has meaning and purpose
To be loved
Gives me every reason I need
July 17, 2019
It’s a golden day
Wooden braids and oak leaf blanket taunts my acid-coated eyes, it’s a warm breeze shady kinda perfect day
August 4, 2019
The animal is close to me, too close, in the first dream running to me and in the second it’s in the backseat of a car with me, and it’s attacking me. I don’t want to kill it, I try everything else first, until finally I realize that’s all I can do. In the first dream I step on the possum’s head and in the second I throw the black cat out the window of a moving car. I see it hit the pavement and burst like it’s an apple, blood splashing the car passing by, and I am completely traumatized, left with the unbearable pain of guilt.
August 5, 2019
Ritual (honor)
Skills (do it)
Reading (learn it)
Exercise (do it)
Social interaction (work- learn and do)
Journal (reflect)
Write
Play the guitar so you can make music on your own
Learn a new language, to communicate with more people
Practice art, see what comes out of you
Sing. It’s only a muscle
Don’t give up on yourself
You’re worth every single moment you want to quit but don’t
Stand strong, you owe it to yourself
Don’t waste any more time than you have without being the happiest you can possibly be
September 18, 2019
I suffer tremendously from chronic boredom. It’ll sweep in and out of my life, this desire to be stimulated, always. It’s a constant, dull hum through my day, urging me to plug an empty space. Every day.
I don’t know what that space is, nor how to fill it entirely so as not to require an incessant fix. So I take it day by day, browsing through my choices of buying new things or seducing new people or getting high on new things. I like being high. Everything has the power to get you high, you know. An intimate conversation: not made intimate by the words but by the tone, the implied closeness, a flirtatious energy suggesting human connection. A good meal gets me high. An immersion in nature. A good fuck. Fucking Cyrus makes me so high, and I’ve been insatiably craving it since the moment we first met. I make myself orgasm a lot, that’s my favorite kind of high. It’s a powerful trance kind of high on my own femininity. That’s when I feel my deepest desires are being tended to and satisfied: when I feel like a woman. It’s my favorite thing to be: a strong, sexy, beautiful, powerful woman.
I feel powerful when men want me. The moment a man begins to want me is the moment I have power over that man. There’s something that happens to the men who want me and I don’t know if it is a spell many women cast on men or if I’m somehow special, but it’s happened to boys, to grown men, and to even more grown men since I was a teenager. Every person who’s loved me has wanted to spend their entire life with me, has been irrevocably addicted to me, has never and will never be able to forget the way my love feels. I strip people to their most vulnerable selves and they feel eternally connected to me. I have a way of knowing what it is that people want more than anything and I give it to them, and when I take it away they lose their minds.
Sometimes they lose themselves.
That gets me so hot.
October 5, 2019
The truth is I’m a fucking narcissist who wants everyone to feel bad for me while also will cut someone’s throat if they dare talk down to me
Im inconsistent because the bottom line is that I just want to be the center of attention and whether that’s in a positive or negative light doesn’t matter as long as I’m getting the attention I want
I run every relationship to the ground because if someone actually gives me the attention I want they’re too clingy and I push them away or ignore them and if they don’t I use multiple sabotage techniques to try to keep them or to push them away before they have a chance to leave me
My greatest fear is loneliness and everything I want to be is independent and everything I am is codependent and the way to remedy that is to be alone but I can’t
I can’t fucking do it
I’m addicted to my boyfriend but wtf else is new, all I want out of this big beautiful life is to be kissed and touched and held and fucked by someone who literally only has eyes for me and if anything so simple as their mind or eyes stray I break into a thousand pieces and all I want is to be alone already so I don’t have to bear the weight of love
Oh yeah and don’t trust me most things that come out of my mouth are lies
December 15, 2019
I decided I was unsatisfied when I realized how much accomplishment swelled my chest when I was able to figure out how to get two 70lb boxes of orange juice down from the top shelf in the walk-in freezer; I saw that if that was the best I’ve felt about myself in my day-to-day life in weeks, something needs to change.
January 14, 2020
Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m doing at all. I have no solidified plan. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m one to jump from one passionate, complex idea to the next hilariously often. One week I’ll be crazy over the notion that I’m going to join the Air Guard, the next, I’m passionately against it and sure that I’ll move to Oregon and go to art school. I want to make films, music, go to space. I want to study biology, journalism, psychology, business, anthropology, neuroscience. I want to do it all, and yet, I do nothing. I have no money, no structure
This spontaneous live-by-feel shit doesn’t cut it anymore.
There’s not enough time in the day to do what I want when I feel like it because I’m nineteen with nothing but worsened mental illness and a bundle of experiences to show for it. My resistance towards scheduling my day out is that I don’t always feel like doing what I should be doing, and the act itself of having an accountability system leaves open the possibility to disappoint myself, which sends me further down the sad chute. It always leads me to revert to the idea that I shouldn’t have such high expectations of myself, but maybe it actually means I need to have higher expectations of myself.
We are habitual creatures. Forming new habits and breaking old ones have never been strong points of mine, but perhaps doing so will change that. Perhaps I can make forming new habits a new habit.
January 18, 2020
Joy
Starts small, like light peaking under a door, stretching across the floor
Slowly
Sheets of yellow now, big enough to step in,
I open the door and it fills my room
And I feel it, a feeling so powerful I could just grab ahold of it and bottle it up forever
How could I ever lose something so real?
I know who I am now, it is impossible to forget
Fear
Begins as a speck of doubt
Unfolds as a darkness that envelops the room
The Venus Flytrap of all things alive
Venus Flytrap hanging out in the foyer of my subconscious,
You prey on my bliss, my freedom and I must know
Does it make you more powerful?
I am a slave for you and it’s never enough
Won’t you release me?
I long for joy
But so much more,
I crave silence
January 23, 2020
The lies, and how tangled they became
An addiction to love
Inability to be alone with myself
March 3, 2020
Stringing along people I don’t need and ignoring the people who matter
Holding close toxic things, keeping myself from moving forward
March 5, 2020
When you want me, I’m driven away
Quite frankly repulsed
It it when you could care less that
You are irresistible to me
March 12, 2020
It’s the same feeling I used to have on the first day of school.
I’m eager, prepared for an epic storm of new possibilities and experience. My heart opens and it’s truly a beautiful thing: I feel the flowers of my garden bloom open into a mess of wild color. I feel the fog cloaking my mind start to clear, I feel it fill instead with blissful, soft sunlight. I remember who I am. I remember this world is mine to grab by the reins and I feel limitless, whole.
The beginning.
March 17, 2020
What I Need From You.
- Respect for my boundaries. Everyone needs healthy boundaries, and everyone deserves the right to them. It’s been a journey, but I’m finally at a place where I can verbally establish my boundaries and all I ask is for them to be seen and acknowledged. They may contradict yours, but the truth is, that’s not an excuse to keep pushing me. You wouldn’t want anyone doing that with yours.
- If you decide to let me in, welcome me with loving arms, not with a sheet of thin ice that, if cracked, will destroy my chance of any further acceptance. To say I should look inwards for the source of my abandonment issues is dismissing my abandonment issues. I have them because having a home has always been something I’ve had to earn.
- If I’m pouring my heart out to you, sobbing and literally begging things from you, take me seriously. Don’t make me feel small or crazy for feeling the way I’m feeling. Take me seriously. Treat me with the tenderness you would want.
- Give me time to process things. You want me to be ready to talk when you are ready, and people don’t work that way. You stopped pushing Mike because he needed you to, because your very relationship depended on it, and I need you to see it having the same weight in this relationship. While it would absolutely destroy me, I wouldn’t second guess cutting ties for the sake of my own self preservation. This is my biggest boundary. I need you to see the weight of my words, to feel them, to understand I don’t just say things, and to respect them.
That’s it. It’s not much. Obviously, I’m not a perfect person, but I feel that the way I disrespect you is by not doing what you say, by not acting how you want. The way you disrespect me is by everything I just mentioned. You disrespect my person. If I disrespect anything, it’s the things you do that disrespect me as a person. When that happens, yes, I say “Fuck you.” I say “Fuck this.” I say “I’m not standing for this.” Is that disrespect? The way I see it, I’m a woman who stands up for herself and protects her ground. I’ll never be ashamed of that.
This is what I need from you. Otherwise, I just can’t stay.
August 19, 2020
I am fundamentally unsatisfied with my life
August 25, 2020
There’s a lot of unresolved things and I don’t even want to dig them up and heal them, I don’t want to take the time because I already know you won’t take the time to hear me, and when you try to be there for me now It just kind of feels like, oh now you care? Now that I don’t need you at all anymore
And then it’s still not all the way because you still can’t listen to what matters to me
it’s like, what
are
you
trying
to prove
here
August 29, 2020
is it okay and valid if i look at my sister and everything she has, the space, the freedom, a mother who understands and applies the important values that come with raising a child—is it okay if I look at all of it and feel a tinge of envy and perhaps, in contrast, pity that she won’t face any of the obstacles I did; therefore a disconnect between us, as though she will never understand my experience and the complexity of my relationship with my family? is that within reason?
October 1, 2020
I want to travel the world
Write good books
Make good music
Read good books
Listen to good music
I want to live my life with tenderness,
with magic,
with empathy and knowledge
I want to find all the hidden lightbulbs this life has in store for me
I want to inspire people
Befriend people and share beautiful moments with them
I want to be a student to all the teachers I cross paths with
I think it’s in me to be a teacher too
I want to do impossible things for the sheer pleasure in having done them
I want to grab this life by the balls and make it my bitch
I want to be here always
So that when I reach the end, I can say, “I didn’t miss a thing”
November 5, 2020
The way a place slowly becomes home. And then the way it stops being home?
“Sucking something dry and then moving on”?
December 17, 2020
I’m experiencing a bout of psychosis
And can’t find my journal because my place is a mess because I’m supposed to be cleaning it
I took an Adderall XR for that purpose and yet I am rocking back and forth trying not to grind my teeth going in and out of different perception states meanwhile maintaining of an awareness of it all so I feel like a babysitter watching a bunch of kids running around and tryna tell them not to bite each other while also trying not to trip over them and also I’m the kids and I’m having a great time running around and I don’t give a fuck
Like this do be an amphetamine I don’t know how there’s people who just take this every day and I do take it recreationally and this always happens but in some strange way it’s beneficial because when my crazy surfaces I can hyperfocus on it and release it which I always do on this drug but on the flip side I’m intentionally putting myself through psychosis so I can analyze myself instead of doing other more productive things and I realize that I am very self-centered by definition and I absolutely speak more than I listen in situations I need to be listening, ive surrounded myself w people who would never say that to me but I don’t need them to. On this focus drug I focus on the things I care about which isn’t cleaning my apartment and is cleaning my mind. Thats my focus all the time and it’s a double edged sword because I’m constantly learning about myself in doing that but I’m tunnel visioning onto that and missing out on other beautiful things outside of myself. Yes I’m very interesting but I’m not the only interesting person or the most interesting person. There’s other things to do that will benefit me in different ways. It might also benefit me to keep more things to myself and share a little less because when I tell people about my process I release that energy to them- and it might be a lot to receive, often times I’m giving off too strong an aura for people and it can be overwhelming. Also, releasing it in a way that will be more personal and productive and memorable, like art or a writing piece, is the superior choice in terms of benefitting my growth.
Sometimes when I share my story with people it’s, in a way, performative. I want it to mean as much to them as it does to me and that’s impractical, because this is my journey. It’s beautiful to share sometimes, and it’s more beautiful to create a space where others can do that. It’s time to pay forward all the great listening my loved ones have given to me. They have held space for my feelings from the beginning. Always remember to do the same for them.
December 31, 2020
Stop tryna live up to this frozen image you created for yourself
The most beautiful part of you is your complexity
You’re fucking awesome at every stage, on every wave, on every page
Read each page slowly
No- read each word carefully
You don’t wanna miss a thing
You’re everything
Embrace it
January 17, 2021
When you get dressed in the morning, it’s less of a “how do I feel today?” and more of a “What kind of attention do I want today?”
January 19, 2021
VISION BOARD.
Get therapy. Get medicated.
Surrender the sole responsibility of managing your mental health- it WASTES TIME.
Learn to read music, study music theory, learn to play the violin.
Learn a lot about psychology.
Maintain your spirituality by meditating, going out in nature, and expressing gratitude. Mama Gaia is your teacher. Respect her and show up for her, and she will do the same for you.
Jog and focus on strength training. Building up your strength is fundamental to learning how to kickbox. Build your diet around that.
The projected image of you is a strong, educated, musically inclined, stable, soulful, balanced individual. This takes dedication and work. This takes time management. This takes passion. This is the most important project you have, and it is crucial to finding and having everything you want in life.
Manifestation:
Vic is a musician.
Vic is a writer.
Vic is eco-conscious and health-conscious.
Vic is informed in psychology.
Vic can read music.
Vic is a kickboxer.
What’s next?
- (With increasing musical knowledge.) Can now book gigs and experience the live music scene. This means making connections, engaging with listeners and potential fans on a personal level, and making dope ass memories. Can also collaborate with other musicians more easily.
- (With getting mental health right.) Can be happy and make the most out of a healthy life. Can finally give up having to struggle through so much of my journey. Can take that weight off, and make room for so much more.
- (With becoming more connected to my spirituality.) Can tap into my witch abilities and create literal magic in my life. Can cast spells and practice manifestation to shape a life bursting with meaning and connection. Can bloom into my healing abilities and perhaps move forward as an energy worker.
- (Learning to kickbox.) Can healthily express angst, aggression. This is a big one—I get pent up and it manifests in places it doesn’t belong, causing me to have a bitter outlook on life. A habit to release stress in a healthy, beneficial way will come in handy as I juggle college and eventually a double major. Will also have greater confidence and ability to defend myself in dangerous situations as a woman.
Other things on my vision board:
Helping the Homeless
Investments I want to make $$
- Music equipment (instruments, recording equipment),
- the mental health coach training program,
- violin lessons,
- kickboxing lessons
Gardening, a bonsai
Kayak
Herbs and herbal tinctures
Books & reading
All the subjects I want to become well versed on
Chess and poker
January 23, 2021
I guess I’m finding there’s a cap to my compassion
Me? Who?
I’m not sure where it came from
Maybe life just desensitizes you
I’ve been thinking about the jigsaw puzzle metaphor, how you can’t and won’t find people in life that are gonna be pieces to your puzzle because everyone is creating their own puzzle
It’s a new metaphor and an old concept
But I’ve been thinking about it a lot because it’s my truth now and people are really starting to scare me
No one is like me
All of us are here trying to understand ourselves
Some of us are here trying to understand each other while others have no interest and create and perpetuate the boxes and the judgements and the suffocating misunderstandings that keep us all separate from each other
and the ironic thing is that knowing this is keeping me separate from others
So am I one of the people I fear?
Or is everyone just like me, and sees that this is how it is?
I’m so confused and lost because I’m so afraid of connection yet all I seek is connection, I’m afraid of people yet all I want is to understand them
How can fear take such prevalence in my mind?
Why do I feel so broken? What did I find before that made me feel whole? Have I always been broken? Is everything an illusion? My dysphoria, my contentment, is it all a choice?
Am I drawn to this negativity?
It’s dangerous
It’s when I’m on something that I feel the best
Adderall is my favorite right now, I love the drifting flow, the steady rise
The slow burn of bliss as everything comes into clarity and don’t feel like I’m missing something or needing something or craving something else than what’s in front of me
It makes me want to be here because I fully am here
someone medicate this bitch
“Who I am” will never be a solid thing and the holy grail is the connection to self and that’s it
With that I am everything
Without that I’m forever starving, forever searching
So you’re saying I need drugs for that?
Trauma gave my life meaning. Having an extraordinary upbringing made me dread the thought of living any kind of ordinary life. I chase turmoil because the only way I have learned to validate my existence has been pulling myself out of turmoil.
I’m a bundle of thoughts, an echo chamber of everything I’ve experienced
The thought that it’s all science terrifies me
I want it to mean something and I guess it’s true that the point is to find/create your own meaning
I’m at a point where I’m questioning everything I believe and I feel like I’ve read something or heard something about that being a good thing
That if you don’t do that and you’re getting too comfortable in patterns of belief then you’re closing your mind to the infinite dimensions of perspective that exist
But I feel like a fundamentally unprincipled person, with weak core beliefs
I keep internally blaming it on my parents and the way I was raised and then I tell myself I can’t do that anymore because I made good with them and everything, but I’m not over it
I’m not over the fragility of my foundation
I have to allow myself to confront that and more importantly to nurture that
It’s old news that I have mommy and daddy issues but I’ve made a joke out of it, I’ve disconnected from it
I spent my whole childhood disagreeing with most of the things I was being taught and any “core beliefs” I’ve ever had have been echo chambers of my environment, bundles of truth reflecting specific values I’ve had to have to fit the scenario
Fuckkk, it’s been the same things just more complex versions of
Ok ok ok stop this might be toxic
I DONT WANT TO LIVE IN THIS MATERIAL WORLD I DONT WANT TO PLAY BY THESE RULES I DONT WANT TO CONSTANTLY REGULATE MY SANITY I fear that I am so self critical because I’m trying to obtain this level of perfection and idealism
My narcissistic trait perhaps, wanting to be superior and when I don’t feel sUPERIOR TO OTHERS I DONT FEEL LIKE ANYTHING AT ALL
MY SElf esteem is so fucking fragile yo I need soooo much validation I need soooo much attention
I FREQUENTLY feel like everyone hates and judges me
And maybe it’s true maybe my empathism is in fact a developed defense mechanism from trauma because I do make a lot of imaginary scenarios out of nothing in social settings and I tell myself I’m a spaceholder and that I feel everything but maybe I’m just projecting everything and misreading everything
Why is my mind constantly in agony
What am I missing
February 1, 2021
I can feel the pool of poison flowing through beneath my skin, my energy is bad, something overtook me
I’m watching myself grow weaker and weaker
February 7, 2021
I don’t wanna know anyone, I don’t wanna be close to anyone, I don’t wanna text anyone back, I don’t wanna be around people and I don’t understand why
February 11, 2021
| Change the way you talk to yourself
Instead of telling yourself to do something, self-affirm by announcing to yourself “I am going to do this,” and then imagining only all the positive consequences that come with that decision.
Practice solution-based thinking. All your emotions are valid, but it’s important to not succumb to their hypnotic pull, because that can leave you in a vacuum unable to give voice to the rational part of you. If you’re stuck in the echo chamber of a negative emotion—like insecurity, jealousy, self-doubt, social anxiety, emptiness, etc.— practice telling yourself the opposite of whatever terrible thing you’re thinking. (law of polarity) “I don’t have a solid personality.” —> I have a complex, multifaceted personality and I experience various moods and mindsets due to both my boundless creativity and my mental struggles. In my low moments, I am still me, just needing some extra self care. In my dark moments, I am still me, just needing some self connection. I will focus on these things now. “Nobody likes me.” —> I am loved and supported by many. I’m cool with everyone, never engaging in negativity. It doesn’t really matter what people think of me, it’s more important right now how I think of myself. How do I feel about myself, and how can I strengthen it? I will focus on this now. I will make real-life choices in the same mindset I’m in when I play the Sims, taking advantage of my time to boost my skills and check off tasks to work towards a goal. Daily goals, long term goals, and everything in between. Take some time to look in the mirror and write to practice self appreciation. Get into the habit of highlighting your strengths and gratitudes for the power you possess.
February 20, 2021 Grey thoughts is a mirage, that’s something I’m learning and relearning, but that reminds me of when people say “it’s all in your head” no shit bitch that’s where i live
An illusion’s just as real as anything else Your reality’s a mirror and a grey world will give you grey thoughts, grey thoughts will give you a grey world
And when my world turns grey it makes me feel like I don’t have any control, so I try to cast blame upon the source so I can remove its power, and I come up with all these paradoxes of truth If there’s traps lying everywhere, is getting caught in them the fault of the trap or of the person who steps in it?
Broken home origin story, but I work hard to leverage that into my self awareness, my desire to be a better person I use it to protect myself from people Or at least, that’s what I have believed, up until recently Perhaps I am, instead, sabotaging my ability to understand people with my conditioned reactionary sensitivity to anything that might be construed as harmful Hyperfocused on anything that could pose as a threat to my emotional safety And in doing so, seeing people’s flaws before their beauty and their negative nuances more clearly and quickly than positive ones Taking them personally almost, quickly pulling away and retreating to my island
Leaving myself alone in a cold, grey world
It’s a recycled ordeal, really
But maybe I’m the guy laying the traps now
February 28, 2021 Talk about when that wall comes up and you feel trapped inside a shell watching yourself from outside of it
March 6, 2021 Burlesque shows, the opera, museums, poetry, pottery class, musical theatre, cirque de soleil, violin, kickboxing, languages, culture studies, art history,
March 6, 2021 I’m a chameleon, right, I blend into my environment
So maybe instead of working so hard to alter you, alter the environment? Idk
March 6, 2021 I grew up watching people like Howard and Jacob, and I grew up watching people like— well, I didn’t really have any positive role models. Not really. But I saw movies and TV that displayed the day to day of relatively successful people, and I took mental note that the difference was how they spent their day. Successful means busy. Successful means you have a lot of things going on so you have a lot of sources of success itself. I’ve been successful before, making music, writing something, learning something new, playing the Sims even. It’s all about the time I’ve put into it—I got out of it what I put in.
March 8, 2021 Wake up at 6 My morning ritual will be centered around connecting with the 4 Elements & Mind, Body, Spirit
Morning (, , , ) Spirit
Body:
Mind:
April 6, 2021 I am the flame of a candle sitting on a table in the middle of the forest I will dance in the wind, a wavering swing dance In stillness, to my own rhythm And when the rain comes down I falter But I don’t want to be the flame; I want to be the wind
April 8, 2021 I get mean I become the meanest person sometimes Molly was talking about how she loves interior design and I just started mocking her about how she doesn’t actually do it, but she loves the idea of it I guess I was projecting the fact that I love a lot of things but I don’t actually do them, fancying the idea of them And when she started crying, I couldn’t stop being mean I got meaner I hate seeing her cry because I perceive her, in those moments, to be weak and I tell her she can’t take a joke I hate seeing her cry because maybe I don’t want to work on this relationship as much as I believe I do Maybe the truth is, I’m with molly for the wrong reasons Why do I get so mad at her? I want to kick her when she’s down and keep kicking her I want to break her sometimes and all she does is love me It gives me pleasure to be mean to her sometimes, and she’s the only person I’m mean to Why? She doesn’t turn me on. I feel comfort and love for her but there’s no real excitement or passion in our relationship because sexually, I want men I resent her for that I resent her for being a woman, and for being a better woman than I am I’m jealous of her I’m in competition with her
I didn’t want to come to work today I came because Mohsin asked me to, because he’s a married man who I lust but can’t have but need to think I might have I’m angry because today, I’m everything I despise
April 30, 2021 You spend your life building an armour just to find there’s no wars to fight on the outside, it’s all just ghosts
May 1, 2021 I write about this all the time, but each day is a dice roll with only two sides: I am extroverted, I am full of light, I am funny even, seeing life with a shine that can only be dulled by a hit of weed; I am bleak and lost and detached, trying yet struggling to keep my head on straight, insecure about everything, disassociated completely from my brighter reality.
June 10, 2021 I do this thing where I say something I didn’t really mean to say and then continue to talk anyway, starting to explain myself out of what I started saying and then further circling around a point I never really had to begin with. I speak without thinking about what I want to say first because I feel pressured to respond quickly out of fear of judgement. I don’t want to appear as if I don’t have much to say, so I ironically say things that don’t reflect how I really feel but instead feel like something I should say in the moment. I reject myself both out of habit and of fear that others will reject me.
I can’t even say it was just the way I was raised that gave me emotional trauma. The whole world is filled with things that have instilled my fears and the damage that affects the way I think, feel and behave.
The “divine path” is divine in the sense that our thoughts pull us in different directions
July 7, 2021 Maybe it’s that I always need to have the last word My narrative must always include this triumphant ending in which I am the hero and the other guy will eventually learn, But then am I learning all I should be? Take this situation, for instance: the effect has been disastrous, but what was the cause? Dating people in the workplace and feeding into people’s drama. And now what’s happening? More feeding into people’s drama. This isn’t all my fault, the playout of all this could never have been anticipated. But now I know not to flirt or fuck around with coworkers out of boredom or play high school with some girls I barely know. My high school dreams might mean something. I believe in some ways, I am a tad stuck in high school on a social level, as far as my dynamic experience is concerned. I’m like a hyper-empathic, more socially aware version of my teenage self. Cause think about it, right after leaving military school, an incredibly impaired social environment, I moved in with Jacob. I was socially isolated for a year before I moved back home and hung out mainly with people I had a romantic or sexual connection with, with some exceptions. I will not deny to myself the deep and meaningful connections I have made in the past three years, but of all those connections, how many have remained still figures in my life? Molly Ben Jonathan Jessica
And even those relationships have been toxic at times. Then, the pandemic. It’s no shit that I have social anxiety. I’ve had more negative experiences than good, and that’s a trauma in itself. I have rejection sensitivity, and for good reason. And as it’s further perpetuated in social situations such as the one I’m in right now, it intensifies. This is the part where a therapist would ask me, “What do you think the source or link is with these similar social situations presenting themselves?” Maybe that I get so invested in people’s viewpoint of me that I spend more time thinking about it and giving my energy to it than I do so about what I want in life. Maybe that I no longer need to pursue any spark of connection I feel out of fear of missing out. I do this because I value romantic connection as a core source of experience and I am so attached to the cycle of building an image for somebody else, feeling and watching them fall in love with me, spending time learning all about a person and absorbing traits I admire—like picking items from a vending machine, boom I like this one, boom that one looks good on me—and then leaving, when there’s nothing left to gain. I’m not polyamorous for this reason. I cannot be satisfied in a real open relationship; I am just addicted to the dopamine high that comes from planting a seed, watching love and lust grow like a plant, and eating the fruit it gives me. The only plants I’m used to caring for are the love ones. This is why I am insecure. It’s so much more than needing validation from others to feel satisfaction as a person, its layers go as deep as everything I’ve ever experienced. We can trace it to my parents, to the happy face/sad faces my mom had my teachers give me at the end of every school day. To the way any privileges were revoked if I didn’t have every single one of my actions approved by my parents, unrevoked only when I’d corrected every single behavior. And when those expectations weren’t met, being demonized rather than taught, scolded rather than accepted or at least worked with. I still have trauma over the way it felt to be constantly silenced. Constantly analyzed but never listened to. The way I was picked apart and forced to change and sent away when I couldn’t. The way I hurt deep inside, for years, the way I hurt people for years. I think people are always looking for ways to judge me and pick me apart because my family has done that to me and to each other for my whole life. I seek out love and confirmation of my identity through people who will idolize me the most and give me the most attention.
July 13, 2021 I spent so long and filled so much time talking about myself, I realize most of what I talk about is myself really, because that’s all I really think about, and that’s all I really know my stories are not always about anything actually cool or interesting but more to express something I’ve gone through emotionally or something to kinda brag something into their subconscious and give myself cool points
congratulations you know who you are and even then not really, but what else do you know? I Need To Get Out Of My Head. I focus on the wrong things. I want to accomplish focus, a dissipation of my self-absorbedness and melt-away of my ego to reveal a part of me that can carry out functional routines and habits without getting distracted by every shiny thing along the way it’s like you recognized the need for shadow work and then you were hypnotized by the shadows I need to get out of my head and step out into the world. In the past six months, I’ve accomplished nothing of significant value, have barely made any art, got into a fender bender and “accidentally” ghosted the guy who almost gave me a cop-out for the $200sum dollars I owe him, failed to pay my taxes, thought about boys, failed to register my car or have insurance put on it- essentially sabotaging every aspect of my life by hiding away from it all and pretending it doesn’t exist. I think I’m too fucking obsessed with myself to notice there’s a world turning around me.
voglio trovare la concentrazione
July 30, 2021 You will get downloads of information you do not want to know Examine it anyway Learn as much as you can You will discover things that are important to know, and to share Sit through the discomfort Dissecting it will eventually bring you comfort, rather than giving you residual discomfort in the longrun
If you find fear, pain, anything that you find hard to sit with, it’s because it exists inside you and you are the only one who can face and discover the depths of it Own your pain Own your fear You have to do this before you release it
It needs to be huge or the truth won’t click and you’ll remain tangled
August 2, 2021 Tonight
The darkness that envelops me has a slit on its side, I could always feel the light that came from it, see it, taste it It’s just as penetrating as the ecstacy you feel minutes after taking a line or what you feel after an orgasm, I compare these things a lot Drugs and happiness A lot of the time drugs give me clarity but it’s because they show me visions of what it would be like to be satisfied, I can see it all clearly because I know exactly what I want I do, I do I know it to a T I stick a pin in it, I allow myself to splurge in my hazy druggy bliss because I know it will be over once I finally decide to listen to myself and I just want to enjoy it, just a little more Sensory pleasures are important to indulge in, i think It is especially important not to leave a speck of life unlived I will be a college student soon, living in a dream condo The good life is coming to me For now, I have these wasted nights alone And I appreciate them
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