off the merry-go-round

Time stops for no one. 

This is good.  This is comforting.

Time plods along incessantly at the same pace, neither speeding up nor slowing down.

This is infuriating.  I want out of the fucking domestic circus already.

These days I hate to write in here because I feel like a broken record.  There is nothing new: I’m still miserable, still floundering around in my relationship with Nick, still surrounded by the ghosts of his past.  I lie in bed at night unable to sleep, alternately wishing that I didn’t exist and that many things were different.

When they’re around, I resent Nick so, so much.  I hate the situation he put me in, even though I chose to come along.  I hate that I can’t get over resenting it, and I hate the bitterness and rage that wells up inside me EVERY time I hear him talking to them.  I hate that I’m still waiting around for him, that even now when our future looms battered but free of most people before us, I still have to wait for things.  For it to be June 6 so they can leave already.  For him to get over losing them, and finish grieving for whatever it is he needs to grieve about.  Finishing that part of his life? Not living the small-town dream of marrying his high school sweetheart and settling down?  He tells me he’s not attached any more, but I can’t help but think that if that were true, he wouldn’t need to grieve, and wouldn’t still see their departure as a loss.  Maybe it’s naive of me to wish he would just leave the past–this past–far behind him where it belongs. 

I think what I hate most of all is that he still LIKES them.  Still wants to post shit on their facebook walls and keep in touch via text message even though he says they make him miserable and he can’t wait until they’ve gone for good.  I hate that he still likes them because he outclasses them by several leagues.  They share soccer, a select few tv shows, video gaming and a 16 year-long past, and it’s the past that’s keeping them all together.  I hate the person he becomes when he’s around them.  How he’s more talkative to the people he likes less, and how he keeps telling me that things have gotten better since their trip to Tulsa three weeks ago, even though I can’t detect even a hint of a difference. 

And I hate that I was dragged into this mess in the first place.  Nick literally set me up to fail, and waiting this shit out is literally making me go crazy.  Every time he tells me that "we have to get through this together" I want to punch him until time goes back two years and Nick decides this was all a bad idea.