I came clean
Last night I told J that I didn’t want to live together until I was married or at least engaged.
Mind you I want to live with him right NOW but I just don’t think it would be a good idea given my track record.
Needless to say, he was quite surprised.
Which of course made me feel awful!
He then proceeds to tell me
J: but honestly i’m just surprised
J: that’s all
Me: why are you surprised?
J: I hadn’t expected you to want to stay apart. I can totally understand why, and that’s just fine. I guess I didn’t realize I had felt that way until you just said that.
J: I guess I don’t really know why i’m surprised
Me: it isn’t that I want to stay apart, you understand that right?
J: yes I do love, I do.
Me: it may just be too soon to move in together without that added commitment.
Me: I made that mistake with 2 men
Me: you know I love you with all my heart
Me: this doesn’t change that
J: now I feel weird. . . . Oh hell I’m just going to say it. I have been looking at rings and been trying to think of the best way to ask you to marry me, but I so wanted it to be a surprise and if I ask anytime in the not so distant future I just want you to understand that its not from anything we discuss about moving in or getting a place, or any of that. It’s because you are the most precious and beautiful thing I have found in my whole life and to think of living life without you makes my heart weep. I . . . *sigh* . . . just love you.
J: I don’t want you to have thoughts in the back of your mind that that question has to do with anything other than my love for you.
Me: I never would. But I also don’t want you to push anything up because of it either.
Me: this choice was so hard to make
Me: and I’m sorry that I have to make it…….
J: I don’t think I can stop myself from waiting much longer. Life does not give you such great opportunities like this but a few times in a lifetime, and I don’t want to miss this one.
J: ok baby. It’s just going to take me a while to get my head back to the idea that I’m going to get my own place again.
Well I then tell how I found a ring on his PC earlier this week. Felt good to get that off my chest. He wanted to know what I though… I was amazing…. But I told him I didn’t want to say how I felt about it…
Then I keep thinking about my old wedding set, how I couldn’t sell it but I can trade up at the jeweler if I want… but do I really need a 5k ring? How would he feel about using my Ex’s ring to pay for half of our ring….? My grandma has a 1 carat diamond that she wants to give to me too… should I tell him about that?
All these things keep going through my head and I keep wondering if I should have just said yes to him moving in here….
God I miss him when we are apart
N: 0in 0in 0pt”>
God I miss him when we are apart