I Can’t Take This Much Longer

It’s been about a year or so if not longer since me and a specific ex g/f of mine broke up, and I have yet to get over her, and it pains me so much.  The fact that I cannot be with her, that I cannot hold her hand and give her a hug or kiss whenever I want to, the fact that I see her just about everyday and each and everytime I see her absolutely gorgeous face it drives me wild, but I can’t even talk to her anymore.

I’ve tried everything to make the feelings go away, I hinestly have, but nothing will work.  I’m so tired of having such deep feelings for her, and I’m tired of not being able to be with her sense I love her so much.  Yes, I said love, and it pains me to say so, but it is true I fear and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it….!

I wish that my every thought wasn’t always about what she might be doing at that very moment, or how is she feeling today, or what guy is she with now or is she with anyone, and could she ever feel for me like I think she has before..?  I know it’s bad but even when I’m with another girl, no matter how beautiful that girl may be or how sweet and understanding she is I still can’t stay focused on just her, there’s always “her”, my ex, I won’t say her name but I will say I have before in previous entries, so…

It’s the strangest thing too, most of the girls I’ve been really attracted to in my life, well I was only attracted to mostly anyways, for sexual purposes.  Because I would imagine in my screwed up brain, me and that girl doing certain things, you know….. but with this girl, I can’t do that because it feels wrong, it feels like if I did ever do anything with this girl that I should feel guilty for it, because she deserves better, or something.  Like she’s too good for dirty things and thoughts and etc.  I just want to be with her and just be on that same level of understanding about what we want.  But sense I know I can’t have that or anything close to it with her, I pray to God all the time that he would just take the feelings away and help me to forget about her completely, but I don’t know, like I said nothing is working.

Whether this is love or not, let me just say I hope it’s not, I pray to God it’s not.