Trying to Move On

Well tonights topic is the same as it’s pretty much been the last 4-5 entries I’ve had I’d say.  Me and Holly.  I am thinking constantly about how to do this, how to break it off.  It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, I’d rather go back to Boot Camp over and over and over again.  I mean I can run through the woods in the coldest weather when it’s pouring rain and be able to servive out there for days without any fear yet I can’t even break up with a girl.  I don’t understand why, I’ve broken up with girls before.  I never liked to do so but I did.  The only thing I can see that makes Holly any different is that I’ve been with her for 10 months compared to all the other girlfriends whichon average lasted about 2-3 weeks.  Huge difference!  Plus I’ve already broken up with Holly twice before, and this time I promised her it would never happen again, how does that look on my credibility if I did so again?  Yet it makes no sense either to stay with someone who doesn’t make me happy, someone I know I don’t love, ya know, “love”.  At least I don’t think I love her.  There are way too many differences that seperate us, we argue at least once everytime we see each other, and it’s always about something insignificant. 

I wish I were in love for real with someone, and I think that’s my problem, that I want to love someone so badly that I’ve allowed myself to believe that Holly’s the one for me, when really I’m just fooling myself.  I know that love takes patience, that it’s not just somethng u can force upon urself or someone else.  And speaking of love that is another problem, I really believe that she really does love me and that really complicates things.  I find myself to be a passionate person and I hate to break someone’s heart, especially someone that I care so much about.  I also worry about if I break up with her how long will I be alone and not with someone?  I know I’m too young to be worrying about something like that but I can’t help it though.  I love being with someone, having a companion, not always being at home but out with someone who I really care about and who really cares about me and I have that with Holly only I don’t truly love her and I would just rather be friends, good friends, but just friends.  And if I break up with her I don’t see that happening because it would be too awkward especially with her feelings towards me. 

I mean all I want is to have someone who I can love and can protect from harm and hold them in my arms and kiss them whenever just because.  I want someone I can go to the movies with and out to dinner with and be able to feel that feeling of contempt, that feeling of complete comfort, and for a while I felt that with her, but then things changed and it hurts.  She’s not the one for me for so many reasons.  Firt of all it seems like she puts on a show that she’s of Christian belief to make me happy.  She spends time with guys that I don’t trust knowing that I don’t like it but does it anyways.  She gets mad at the smallest little things, like me being a few minutes later then what I said I would be.  She finds anyway she can to make me feel guilty and I don’t understand why, I mean she doesn’t try to make it obvious but she does do it.  Plus I just don’t trust her at all.  For numerous reasons I just don’t feel like getting into.  Plus lately I’ve been feeling conviction for not being a good Christian, not attending church on a regular basis, listening to negative music, disrespecting my parents, having pre-marital sex, cursing all the time, it all feels wrong but while I’m with Holly it seems difficult to stop because she is so secular about averything.  I don’t feel like I’m serious enough about life, and I fool around too much.  I need to get my act together and concentrate on my future, my college, my family.  I need to stop being so angry with everything, with everyone, I have a temper like u can’t imagine.  I need to figure out how to just be calm and patient with people, stop hating and try to love more.  I need prayer, and I’d very much appreciate it if people would do that for me, I promise to do the same for you. 

Well I’m gonna get off here and try to relax, I’ll be back later.

Peace out,

Ryan

P.S.  God Bless