Day One
Dear Lunch Buddy,
It’s only been one day since my heart was scooped out with a giant serving spoon, leaving a gaping, aching, bleeding hole. I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess it’s my fault. I made you the center of my universe. Now I have nothing to orbit around. No phone calls in the morning to anticipate. No Tuesday night cuddles until I fall asleep. No Friday afternoons of holding each other, making love, and falling asleep together for a few moments before you have to go home.
I feel like I’m walking a tight rope. On the one side, is hope. On the other, is loss. I’m afraid if I lean too far in either direction, I’ll plummet into darkness.
Everything hurts. I wander around, trying to think of things that won’t remind me of you. You’d laugh if you knew how much does. Songs, movies, TV, EQ. They all make me think of you. I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the TV tonight, because it’s Tuesday, and you and I have always spent Tuesdays together, gaming, or making love. I’ve never watched TV on Tuesdays and the thought of it made my heart cringe and I felt like I was losing my balance on this tight rope.
I logged in to EQ for a while. I couldn’t do it last night, because I didn’t want to be a distraction to you. I’m torn between giving you enough space and begging you at every opportunity to come to me and be mine. I hope you know how much I love you and how desperately I hope you’ll choose me. But I feel like if I find ways to talk to you and hear from you that I’ll just be making things difficult for both of us.
I hope you talk to your parents soon, if not tonight. I hope your mother tells you that you’d be crazy to extinguish a light like ours. But I know that’s just wishful thinking.
I went to my sister’s today. My mom was there. She had, of course, already blabbed everything to my sister. I figured she would. I told her (my mom) that I love you and that I want her to stop saying bad things about you. I told her that I want her to trust my judgement and that I hope to marry you some day and that I want her to love you because I love you. She told me that she just doesn’t know what to say to comfort me, and I told her that I didn’t want her to say anything, but that I just needed to be with people who love me.
Speaking of people who love me, Baby Neice was calling me “Aunt Oniongirl” today. I held Baby Nephew all day and fed him and burped him and got him to giggle and laugh. He’s such a sweet baby.
There is nothing I want more right now, than for you to show up at my door with a suitcase and a marriage proposal.
It’s funny. I realized today that I make mental lists of the things I want to tell you the next time I talk to you. Like that Roommate lied to me last night about having paid her rent. She told me that she had dropped it in the slot Sunday afternoon. In reality, she didn’t pay it until 4:00 this morning. The landlady called me to tell me that she had not yet received it and that there would be a $45 late fee. I talked to Roommate about it, and she claimed that she had paid it, and that she would straighten it out. I told her that I had talked to Ladylady and knew that she hadn’t paid it until today. I finally asked her point blank when she had paid it and she told me 4:00 AM. I told her, “don’t lie to me in the future.” She told me she hadn’t lied, but that she “thought” she had paid it. Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, I told Landlady what our agreement is, so hopefully it won’t reflect on me that Jess’s rent was late.
I think writing these letters is good for me. I feel better, and I kind of feel like we’ve had our daily gossip session.
It’s only been a day, Lover, but I miss you so much I can’t see what tomorrow will look like. I’m afraid to look beyond my own eyelashes because my heart desperately wants to believe that you’ll be mine soon, but my head thinks it would be safer just to mourn you than to hold out the slightest glimmer of hope.
My only comfort is that I believe you will ache for me as much as I ache for you.
I hope.
With all of my heart and soul, I adore you,