ebbing…
i can’t remember the last time i felt this lethargic.. depressed is more appropriate.. too much idle time where i sit and think and that only lures me deeper within this cesspool which has become my mind.. that maze in which i lose myself within.. is like a struggle more often than not to get out of it…
i can look at painted skies of brilliant colors.. drift with the clouds that move in slow motion.. feel the kiss of the those golden rays streaming from azure sky and still feel cool within… this journey that i find myself on.. the one for me.. i never realized the repercussions that would follow suit…
leaving my husband.. tired of the abuse.. i can’t help but wonder if there was a different way in which i could have gone about things.. i’m sure there is.. but i did what i did at the time because it was right.. i’m finding that i’m losing interest in alot of things that i enjoyed doing..
depression:
the condition of being depressed.
the condition of feeling sad or despondent
Psychology. a psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.
humiliation; abasement, as of pride.dejection; despondency; lowness.
there are no thoughts of death.. unless we take into consideration the shadows that embrace me.. they come at different points during the day.. most especially at night.. lulling me into a sense of security.. rocking me gently to and fro as i drift to sleep.. luring me deeper into the dark as i move to play with the darker shadows that wait..
i wonder at times at how warm true warmth really is… the way the mind.. that maze that forever gets tangled within it’s own thoughts.. i liken the chaos at times to pandora’s box being opened.. releasing so much..
i’m finding that i am missing so much.. yet at the same time i can’t quite identify these “things” that i am missing.. is that strange? or ironic? or perhaps.. a normal reaction to a feeling that just.. lingers…
i sleep too much.. find myself crying for no reason.. or maybe i am aware and just not ready to deal or cope.. or see that big picture…or maybe i am all too aware and i’m just turning my back.. still not ready..
is there a truth i am seeking.. those elusive answers that tease me? though i believe i already know the answers.. i think i am just pushing them away from me.. as if i’m afraid to expose myself.. not wanting to come out of this warm cocoon for the embrace in wihch i am wrapped within is way too comfortable, and i’m afraid perhaps, of losing that.. and not finding it again..
do you think when you fall in love, that this feeling of warmth is similar? or is it a deeper warmth.. one that reaches further within you.. the kind of warmth that burns… yet unable to help ourselves, we keep coming back for more..
these headaches i’ve been having.. a few days without then the next thing i know my head is pounding.. i can’t help but wonder if maybe i’m bringing all of this on myself.. i keep quiet, and don’t say anything.. i hate to worry others, you know?
withdrawing more into that inky cool void.. becoming accustomed to the dark and its embrace as it reaches out and enfolds me within.. the mind never stops … it never takes a rest.. yet ironically the only time i really find any solace at all is when i’m sleeping.. and it’s a heavy sleep.. be it a nap in the afternoon or retiring for the duration of the evening…
i wake up tired.. i’m always tired… *chuckles* yet i try and keep myself active with “busy” things here.. sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t…
yes, well.. enough of this for now.. the shadows are beckoning.. and their essence is too strong for me to ignore…
Warning Comment
Hello sweet one, falling in love is a very deep warmth, a strong bonding desire isn’t it? Abuse in whatever form makes it difficult for a person to trust. Depression is not a pleasant place, I’m sorry you feel like that. Perhaps that brings on the headaches or the headaches cause moments of depression. From here I’m sending soothing positive thoughts. Warmest hugs too
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The feeling cool within goes with depression. Wonder if its oppression, not being able to be fully who you are or have that something or someone special in your life? Perhaps feeling truly loved? Your diary is filled with love and romance. One of the reasons why I like it so much. It’s inspiring *smiles*
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Sometimes the shadows demand their due. If I give it to them, they generally recede for some time. Hugs.
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I’m sorry you feel bad. Gee, I understand feeling bad from depression. My physical pain can put me there but quick. Can seem not quick & easy to come out of it, can’t it. Something important for me is to remember that depression is a normal response to some things. Be kind & good to you as you find out what is going on, okay. Then you can begin healing. Life is better than it feels at times.
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There’s some good that can come of depression too. Once I accept that there’s a reason for it & things that aggravate it or heal it. Then I get a clear reminder of things I need to & can change in my life. When I feel depressed & the rotten stuff in the shadows shows up so clearly, then I can note what is stressing me versus what helps me feel more alive & loved. Great Big Hugs & Hopes
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I sometimes really struggle, not wanting to accept that the most constant thing in a happy and healthy life is change. But, once I get rolling into making some little changes to get me feeling better, then I am always amazed how much healing comes in a short time. Let go the struggle, please, and allow. Move into the changes that will be good for you. Balance the ouchy ones with feel good ones.
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For me, headaches mean I’m tense, anxious, restrained, struggling. I need to surrender to loving reality. If I can’t change what I first think is most important or what I crave most, then I practice patience, which is doing something else in the meantime, & I get on with whatever I can do that frees me up, heals, bolsters my self. Soon, I can work on that main thing. Letting go is good.
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When there is disharmony, like when thoughts don’t want to be at peace, then I have to do the best balancing act I can between physical and spiritual. When I have a good balance between physical and spiritual, then my emotional and intellectual is more manageable. Not that I always like doing what it takes! ; ) Thanks for sharing this with us. We care, Whimsical. Hugs
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Don’t think many of us do something like that without later questioning how we went about it. I wish I’d left the one I did in a better way too, but must say it all turned out to be okay once gone through. Sometimes we do things for reasons beyond our conscious knowing, that turn out for the good, even if they seem wrong at some point. I bet you did better than you credit you for.
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The shadows always linger there, they always beckon, even when you think that you’ve left them far behind… ::hugs:: May you find a bright light that will make all the shadows go away…
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Gee Whillickers! I must have been in writer mode .. just look at the number of notes ; ) Sigh. Well, I hope you have some lovely light and warmth and fun in your life this week. Hugs & Smiles
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I’m sure we all wonder if there is a different way we could have gone about some things. Our rationale at the time made sense, was self sacrificing and so forth. Making a major life change is exhausting, that passes after some months, then we waken up to a new vibrance. Not so much needing to cope more a isn’t life good and feeling so alive. Warm Hugs Sweet one
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Golly, Whimsical you have 1585 notes! That’s impressive this one makes it 1586. Most of them must be FDs? Meow 😉 Seeet dreams, I’m purring off to bed
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Dear Whimsical, Here is your courtesy report of statistics deemed most important in light of the above note by K~M : As of this note, FD has left you 381 notes, whereas K~M* has left you 778 notes, accounting for a ratio of 2.04 K~M notes per 1 FD note. Hope you find this exclusive service helpful. Do not be alarmed by outbreaks of giggles. * Includes both the Muse and the Mistry personas.
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Grins and Hugs
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Hehehe…knew FD would do a count 😉 KMs way of getting another to do the work. Thanks FD much appreciated. Well fancy that, all those notes and most are from the Mistry. Did you evah! ROTFL
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Hehe, no working, no counting. Simple calculations, seeking chuckle-ations ; )
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LOL the KM FD spat about notes. It seems I left the most. Purring off again 😉
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