Dear Dogs! *Edit* For Inclusion of Meme

 

Dear Beloved Canine O’ Mine:

How could you?!?!  How could you wait until I went down to let the cable guy in to then poop in the den?!?!  I just took you out!  Talk about humiliating.  It was bad enough there was 5 inches of dust behind the TV that he saw, but to come inside and see poops on the floor.  GAH!  You did this the entire time we had company in town too!  I was humiliated again!!  But I let you have those free poops because I knew you were all off schedule because of company.  But this is IT!  NO MORE POOPIES in the house!!  I already diaper your little asses so you won’t piss all over!  Do I have to now shove corks up your asses? 

WARNING:  If you embarrass me again like that, I shall put doggy dresses and shoes on you (Yes, I know you’re boys, that’s part of my evil plan).  I will then parade you around all the dogs in the neighborhood and then take you to the beach to parade you around the dogs down there until you are sufficiently humiliated yourselves.

Signed,

Red Faced in Reading

 

 

Stolen moments ago from Scarlet Ibis who was drunk last night.

My Uncle Once: tortured me when I was a little girl for being chubby. He’d call me fatso, fat pig, porkie…etc. Fucker, at least I wasn’t a two timing drug addict.

Never In My Life: have I had a one night stand. (Me either, nor would I.) When I was 5: it was 1973 and a really bad year because my drug addicted father was back from jail and torturing me and my mom again.

High School Was: where I learned to make it on my own.  Working one F/T job, one P/T job and going to school F/T. I was also living on my own in a one room rooming house of sorts after being tossed out by my mother and petitioning the courts to become an emancipated minor so I didn’t have to live the remainder of my life as an unwanted teenaged foster child.

I Will Never Forget: the night Rob Thomas jumped off stage to hug and smooch me. Why would I want to?

I Once Met A Wise Old Man: … OK, this isn’t true. (For me either.)

There’s This Girl I Know: has never eaten guacamole! (Scarlet, are you referring to me? I have never eaten it either, nor will I ever.)

Once At A Bar: I rounded up every man who walked by us or into the bar to flash an unsuspecting shy woman at our table. HA!

By Noon: I’m at work, looking for something to do. Sometimes I am chatting online with Ipsa or Overachiever.

If I Only Had: one really good girlfriend whom I could trust all my secrets too, who would love me for me and with whom I could go out with. *sigh* Are you out there? *peers around* I miss my old best friend Kim. That beeyatch! How dare she get married and forget me as soon as I moved back here? Bah.

Next Time I Go To Church I’ll: pray once again and ask God to make me a blessing to someone. Oh, and pray again for him to help me out with the praying. I am having a really hard time there God.

Terri Schiavo: is finally at rest. God Bless her soul.

What Worries Me Most: is that I’ll get really sick again and not be able to work and we’ll get into debt and I’ll never realize my final dream of owning my own small home with a small backyard for my boys to run in (and hopefully poop in) without worry from me.

When I Turn To My Left I See: A now bare and clean fishy companion. Free from Snails, thank God almight, we’re free at last!

When I Turn To My Right I See: my curio cabinet with most of my Barbies. Geeeeee Barbie!!! Did I tell you I bought a new custom made 4-poster bed and stool for my Barbie? No? Well I did.

You Know I’m Lying When: my ears turn red and I stutter and can’t look someone in the eye. I’m a very bad liar.

What I Miss Most About The 80’s: is my friendship with Kim.

A Song I Love, But Don’t Have: If I Can Dream by Elvis Presley. (Words on my diary description page.)  Gah! I love that song! Elvis takes me immediately back to being a little girl with my mom and this has ALWAYS been a very favorite song of mine.  Never fails to make me feel hopeful and strong.

If You Ever Visit My Hometown: we must go out on the town and raise holy heck.

If You Ever Spend The Night At My Place: if the dog’s poop, please look the other way.

My Ideal Breakfast Would Be: scrambled eggs, well done bacon, french toast.

I’d Rather Lick the Belly Of A Cockroach Than: nothing. Truly.

If I Ever Go Back To School: pigs will fly.

I Have A Hard Time Understanding: why the hell is Paris Hilton famous?

If I Won An Award The First Person I’d Thank: would be my husband.

I’d Stop My Wedding For: nothing except weather related that I couldn’t control.

By This Time Next Year: I’ll hopefully have money saved towards my home purchase.

A Better Name For Me Would Be: None. I’m 100% Tamara now. At one time I wished to have a different name, perhaps.

The Last Time I Was Drunk: I demanded to go to the beach in the middle of the winter. Then when denied, I crawled up the stairs, into the house, laid down face down on the floor outside the bedroom singing at the top of my lungs Elton John’s "Take Me To The Pilot."

If I Do Anything Well It’s: sing.

My Favourite Blonde Is: Me. Why Won’t Anyone: be my friend.

Take My Advice: regarding dog rescue.

And One More Thing: will this radio station phone survey I’m on right now ever end?