Inspiring Answers – Part 4

 You guys really asked a lot of questions.  Thanks!  It’s been entertaining me for 2 days now!

 Moving on…same deal, 100% honest, 100% open, no fillers, no edit, no grammar police allowed.

 1. How has your life changed since becoming active in the Catholic faith?

 This one stumped me for a complete day. 

 Okay.  First I have to start sorta at the beginning.  All my life I knew there was something missing.  I had always felt so lonely, empty and like I really didn’t belong anywhere.  I always had this void that needed to be filled.  I thought falling in love and getting married would fill that void, it didn’t.  I thought having a lot of material things would fill that void, it didn’t.  I thought being good at what I do would fill it, it didn’t.  Nothing filled that icky void I carried inside me my entire life.   

 

As you probably have guessed by now, I grew up with a sadistic, abusive, drug-addicted father, and a manic depressive, self mutilating, alcoholic, physically and emotionally abusive mother.  I believed for many years that what they did to me was deserved because I was a bad person.  

 

I felt so isolated and empty most of the time because of this.  My outward self never would have shown this, but my insides were completely black.  I could feel completely alone in a crowd of people.  Something was missing.  I was so unhappy and discontent with my life.  This carried on into my marriage with Brian.  It’s hard to make another person happy when you yourself aren’t happy.  You know?  So I started searching again because I was starting to despise the person I was becoming.  Always angry…always pissed off at what had been done to me in the past by people who were supposed to love and care for me unconditionally.  Then I got sick with the epilepsy and I really started to get pissed off at the world.  Especially God.  I would literally rail at him in my head.  Screaming at him to please leave me the fuck alone.  That I had already been through enough and I just couldn’t take anymore.  That it was time he picked on someone else.   

 

In the past, I had lived my whole life with one simple phrase in my head when things hit rock bottom and I thought I was at the end of my rope.  “He’ll never give you more than you can bear.”  There is more, from when I was a kid, but I am not ready to share that with anyone yet.  Not ready to toss that out there for fear you’ll all think I am certifiably nuts.

 

Then one day a sudden realization hit me.  I realized, it wasn’t God’s job to make sure that bad things wouldn’t happen in my life.  It wasn’t God that was making these things happen and it wasn’t up to God to make me happy.   

 

At the risk of sounding like a total bible thumper, at the same time, another realization struck me, and it hit me hard.  In fact, it left me a sobbing, crying mess for hours.  The realization was, “Please!!!  You think you’ve have it bad?  What about Jesus?  Huh?  Come on now, all the shit things that have happened to you in your life still can’t compare to the things that man went through – FOR YOU.  So how dare you even think you’re any less deserving of your lot in life than he was of his.” 

So I got off my lazy ass and I did what I should have done years and years ago.  I took my sacraments, gladly and eagerly.  I know it may sound hokey to some, but that night?  The night I got baptized?  I truly feel as if I was filled with the Holy Spirit’s presence.   

 

Now I live with the simple knowledge that my faith is growing and my life has already changed for the better since Christ is in it now.  All of this has had a positive impact on my life.  I am now comfortable with the unknown, comfortable with my place in the world.  I no longer feel I have to fill the silence.  I can now talk about my epilepsy.  I feel blessed and a part of a loving, helpful community because of the church I go to.  I feel loved, wanted, needed and appreciated.  From this I am a more patient person.  And now when I am sick, or angry or feeling scared or overwhelmed, I turn to God for added strength…I don’t worry endlessly until I make myself sick anymore.  I give it to God and God makes it okay.  It might not be exactly what I want, but he always answers.  He always has…I just wasn’t always listening. 

 

2.  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? 

 

My first impulse is to say

Alaska because of it’s magnificent, awe inspiring beauty.  However, since I’ve never visited there I can’t say for sure I’d want to live there.  Although I do really really REALLY want to visit there before I die.  So I’ll say

Maine .  I adore Maine for the same reason I listed as

Alaska .  Also, people in

Maine are really nice and friendly. I Love that!!  I so want to live in a world again where you actually know your neighbors and you look out for each other and each other’s kids. 

 

3. What would be your ideal career and why? 

 

I’d love to be a social worker…as stated previously.  Or I’d really, REALLY love to own my own property and open up a haven for unwanted animals…and run a doggy daycare to pay for their upkeep.  *sigh* 

4. Besides Brian is there anyone you love so much you would die for?  Who?  Why? 

 

Ack.  I’m assuming you mean humans here, otherwise it’s any one of my animals.  I literally would walk through fire to save them.   

 

As far as humans go, in spite of the shitty crappy things my brother has done to me.  In spite of the black mark he’s left on my heart, I would die for him.  I protected him as a child and if push came to shove I would protect him with my life even now.  Especially since he has children.  I honestly think I would put myself in harms way for any human being I encountered that was in trouble.  Really.  And it’s not because I am some extra nice, extra special, extra loving person.  It’s more that I am a little bit insane and can’t keep my nose out of things when I see a wrong being done.  It’s just how I am.  Not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes.

 

 

Wow.  I sure can yammer on and on can’t I?  *LOL* There are more to come too!  Ahm jis sayin’.  But right now I need to close up shop and head home.  I will do more tonight there since I have nothing else to do after walking the home.

 

PTS here I come!!!  Send me some interesting people to talk to today will ya?