I’ve Decided.

Dear Catherine the Shrew:

We are going to move. 

Frankly I’m tired of dealing with a snotty landlady I can’t communicate with.  The last time I tried to verbally communicate with you, you frikken flipped out.  You were a screaming lunatic who kept getting in my face and invading my personal space while wildly pointing and gesturing at me.  The more I backed up the more you advanced.  If Brian hadn’t come down the stairs that day at the moment he did I would have hit you.  Really.  That’s why all my communication with you now is written.

I’m tired of walking up 4 flights of stairs every time I need or want to go out.  I’m tired of the heat this apartment generates during the summer.  It easily reaches 115* up here in the summer.  I’m tired of fighting for a parking space I don’t have to squeeze in and out of because the new tenants have 2 GIANT cars and can’t seem to park them straight.  Yet when we had 2 cars all you did was piss and moan about us having 2 cars.  I’m tired of Lucky barking his fucking head off 24/7 right under my window or Lucky’s owner Joe continually power washing and leaf blowing under my windows taking better care of his precious yard than he does his awesome dog.  Tired of fighting OCD Ted to get into the laundry room and do my laundry.  Tired.  So fuck you.

I’m tired of worrying if we ever have a fire that starts downstairs in the rear of the house that I’m not going to be able to get out.  Tired of worrying I’ll break my fucking neck going down the stairs that lead to Ted’s apartment which is littered completely with glass vases, unused glassware and newspapers if the fire starts in the front of the house.  Tired of worrying about my lack of second egress.

I placed a listing on craigslist and have answered a couple listings there.  I was very direct and stated I had unique rental needs because of my 4 small dogs.  I’ve already had 4 return emails and inquiries with people willing to rent to me AND my 4 dogs.  So my fear of being stuck here because of my animals was unfounded as were your allegations that having 4 dogs is a privilege "that most landlords would never agree to".  4 so far have, sight unseen because they know it’s hard to find responsible, professional renters.

So Catherine The Shrew, you can kiss my ass.  Good luck to you trying to rent this place after we’re gone.  Ted said it was on the market with no inquiries for almost a year before we rented it.  Forget about me doing your job by painting the place which should have been done before we even moved in. 

AND

To be a total beast when I do move you bet your ass I am going to have the fire inspector’s up here.  I told you once not to screw with me that I knew your renting this apartment is illegal.  I’ll also have them look at the stove which is NOT supposed to even be up here and which you made us move into the bedroom when the insurance company did an inspection.  

Then, to further bust balls, I will have the inspector here to see the open electrical outlets, the windows that don’t fit or work properly and that almost broke my hand when I tried to open one.  I’m sorry, I know that sounds shrewish, but you reap what you sow.  I just wanted for you to stop letting strangers and workers come here willy nilly.  I didn’t need or want the attitude back.  All this because you’re a bitch who considers it a "privilege for us to even be able to rent from you."

Kiss My Ass Catherine.  You literally just bit off more than you can chew with me.  Brian and I were awesome tenants.  Never bothering you, making small repairs, cleaning the yard, shoveling during the winter, rent always paid on time, we don’t make any noise, we have improved your property and dealt with a lot more than I know a lot of people would.  I heard about your former tenants who completely trashed your place.  I even saw pictures.  We didn’t sue your ass when your vicious dog took a hunk out of Brian’s leg.  We didn’t even complain or request you pay the doctor’s bills. 

By the way, I was researching tenant rights yesterday and came across an interesting tidbit.  Legally I can totally DEMAND my security deposit be refunded to me IN FULL RIGHT NOW because you haven’t followed the laws regarding same.  Not once have I received the bank account information nor have I received the legally entitled to me interest that it’s born for 5 years, which, under the law, you’re supposed to give to me EVERY YEAR or discount it off my rent.  Tsk, tsk Catherine.  I told you once, I’m not your average renter who doesn’t know their rights.  If you get any nastier about this, well, you’ll be owing me some money and it’s no skin off my ass to take you to court for it.  I have 8, count them, 8 lawyers at my immediate disposal who will do this for me free of charge while you’ll be paying a lawyer out of your pocket.

Signed,

A Pissed Off, Soon to Be Former Tenant

Now I need to find a home for Sheila the Iguana.  Which, to be perfectly honest, I’ve wanted to do since we got her any way.  The cats?  Well…I’ll deal with that when I have to.  I’ve successfully hidden them from shrew landlady who hates cats for the 5 years I’ve lived here because they are solely indoor cats and we are fastidious about cleaning their litter box so it doesn’t smell.  In fact, everyone who has been here says they can’t believe we have so many animals because you cannot smell them at all.  That’s good pet ownership.