2014 – what to do

 I’m living a fairly solitary life these days.  My "best friend" is a guy ten years older than I am, the biker friend who was in a crash in April.  He has decided to move back east to help his mom out.  His dad died a few years ago and she lives alone – his brothers and sister have their own lives and families and businesses, and he feels he should go stay with her and help out.

When he goes, I won’t have anywhere to go to hang out, and my life will get emptier.

I have lived in this low-income/disabled building since 1999, the best thing to come out of the car wreck in 1998.  I would be homeless with out it – I can’t seem to earn very much and cannot afford to live anywhere else; thank god this is a decent place.

My friend is moving in January, so 2014 looks to start off with a loss for me.  I don’t have a lot of friends.  I am so fucking poor, I’m kind of stuck here.  My biggest expense is my 2009 Dodge Caliber, which I desperately want to keep, and most of what I earn goes to pay off the car; thank god it gets decent gas mileage.

My life would be barren without a car, a means to go places, a way to get to my few days a week work.  It is important to me.

Other than the car, I am so fucking poor that there’s no real options.  I am living this life as I pretty much have since my parents died in 1977, alone and "doing it by myself".

That car wreck in 1998 turns out to have been VERY EXPENSIVE.  Social Security has fucked me off several times.  I’ve never recovered financially – I was poor before, but am all but destitute now and have been for almost 16 years. If it wasn’t for my former wife’s help… well, I’m sort of afraid to think of what would be otherwise.  The anti depressants are not That strong.

On the one hand, I have not lived this life very well; I have nothing but the car and some clothes and this old computer and have very little to show for 51 years of life.  (That Zoloft comes in handy when I think this way)

I’ve written myself into a corner.  I AM in a corner, in a way; once my friend leaves, it gets emptier and few of my friends live close enough to go see; my best friends, other than him, live in other states or other countries.

Being poor – I can deal with that.  I have most of this life.  Being virtually friendless… that’s a different story.

Shit.  I can’t seem to get out of this corner.

***

The sun is out.  It’s not raining.  I have a home.

It could be worse.

Onwards.

 

*****