my ability to have children/pregnancy. a bit upset

 So, a little over a week ago I had this pain in my lower right abdomen where my ovary is. I went to the doctor and she said that it could be an ovarian cyst, and that if I continue to have pain to come back. I did continue to have pain so I went to another doctor who isn’t a fucking quack and she did a pelvic exam. Turns out everything feels normal, and the pain is gone, so if there *was* an ovarian cyst, it’s gone now. (They’re very common in women of child-bearing years. Seriously, look it up). 

Well, sometimes if ovarian cysts get large enough they can cause infertility. This is the reason I went back to the doctor. I don’t really care about the pain, I care about being infertile. I want kids. I want to have a baby some day. 

So I updated Amir on it in an e-mail a couple of days ago and I told him I had some lab work done. He always asks me "are you pregnant?" It’s cute, in a way, because he knows I’m not sleeping with anyone else and I’ve had way too many periods after his departure for R&R to really be concerned with being pregnant. 

I got the results back from the lab and I told him that he can check them out himself. My doctor’s network has a portal that allows patients to check their own lab results. So I provided him the username and password so he could go look and see that I’m not pregnant, and if he wants, he can check my actual health.

He writes back saying, "

im glad you’re not preggers.  i could never afford that in a million years"

 

And then he starts talking about our hamster and how he wants more hamsters and how he hopes I’m playing with him because he’s getting old. Yes, our hamster is getting old, and I will be sad when he dies. I really do love that little guy and I know Amir does, too. He was our first pet together. 

I replied with: Okay, so you don’t want children. I got it. You say that every time. Please don’t worry. We’ll wear 5 condoms and I’ll start birth control. Again, do not worry. (If you say it any more I’ll think you’re serious.)

 

 

Anyway, I am just really upset at his insensitivity because THE REASON I WENT TO THE DOCTOR IS TO MAKE SURE I CAN STILL HAVE CHILDREN LATER and now he’s joking about not wanting any. He is always *so relieved* that I’m not pregnant (he always asks jokingly when I say I have some news). 

I guess I’m just hypersensitive about it because of what I’ve been through lately with worrying about my ability to eventually have children. Don’t get me wrong, I want to wait at least another 2 or 3 years before poppin’ out any babies, but I would at least like to know that my reproductive capabilities are in tact for me to do so. 

And here is Amir making jokes about me being pregnant and how he is glad I’m not. 

Yes, I’m PMSing and crying and being irrational. I never thought the ability to have a child would be so important to me. And as I approach spinsterhood, I guess it’s even more important to me that the man I want to eventually marry actually WANTS to have children, too. 

 

I think I was too harsh in my e-mail reply. He didn’t know that was an emotional land-mine for me. I think it’s only right of me… 

 

 

 

======================(edit)======================================

Here’s the e-mail I just wrote Amir.

 

 

 

Hey, I’m sorry about the first part of that last e-mail reply. It’s just that I went to the doctor’s office just 3 days ago to have my ovaries checked out because I eventually want to have children. I guess I was a little sensitive to your joke about pregnancy. I understand you don’t want to have kids right now, and neither do I, but I would eventually like to have children (otherwise I wouldn’t care so much about the health of my reproductive system). The whole thing has been more of a stress than you know, and I didn’t really want to share it with you because you have enough to worry about. 
 
I’m also a little stressed because I’ve been studying for this midterm for the past 4 days straight (seriously non-stop). This was supposed to be our Spring Break but our professor decided to give us our midterm the *day of our return* from Spring Break. So much for a break. On top of that, I still have a paper to write for Film class, and a midterm to take by Friday in there, too. 
 
Anyway, sorry if I sounded snappy about it. I know you didn’t know anything about it. I apologize.
 
Loves,
(me)