…FEAR OF REJECTION…MAYBE

Birthday tomorrow. some friends and I are going to the city. eat out, shop etcetera.

i told them i didnt want to do anything special; no presents, no big load of attention. i thought the city would be okay though – not too different.

earlier today i texted 2 of my friends asking what is happening tomorrow. no reply. reminder of why i went out of my way to try and make sure the spotlight wouldnt be onme tomorrow.

i don;t want to be dissapointed, but i won’t be able to help myself. i keep telling myself ‘birthdays aren’t special.’ and theyr not. a birthday is just another day, right? Yes.

Fear of dissapointment. i think it might tie in with fear of rejection. i never thought of myself as being someone who was scared of rejection. maybe that has something to do with my emotion issues. im just so scared.

the funny thing is i’m comfortable in my fear. i don’t want to change.

this is the first time i’ve ever really thought about this. some things i wriite down are just random ideas and suggestions thrown into the middle by different sides of my mind. i hope this ‘fear of rejection’ (as i wil call it) poses no problems to my adult self. I spose by then i would have matured enough to truly not give a shit.

The truth is i do want a special birthday. who the hell doesn’t?

Happy early birthday! Are you turning 15 or 16? (When I came across your diary I could have sworn that your age was originally listed as 14, but maybe I was wrong.) “i’m comfortable in my fear. i don’t want to change” <—Very well said. I feel that way all the time. *hugs*

snickergirl

May 2, 2005

You can have a special birthday without being the constant center of attention–don’t think they’ll let you get away without some ‘birthday girl’ attention!

Cyd Charisse

Yeah I’m not big in2 birthdays I dont kno why.Hmmm maybe there’s some subconcious problems there, or it culd b that b-day partys get on my nerves.Xcept 4 the candles.I heart fire.God i’m such a pyro.And the reason for anthing is…I don’t know.But i kno the reason why i’m living is bcuz my parents were too drunk 2 use a condom.well have a happy b-day.

& 2 clarify my last note, I was answerin ur question on ur diary contents pg about y nething matters 2 ne1, so thats what i meant by”the reason 4 nething is..i dont kno”& m/b the reason y nething matters 2 ne1 is we HAVE 2 have sumthin 2 care,obsess bout,or luv.I don’t kno if it’s a biological thing or mental, but we do.And the joke i made bout my rents was in answer 2 ur y r we living question.

livin_my_life

May 3, 2005

RYN: Thanks I went back and reread that and dont see how you understood what i was saying the words are all misspelled and stuff lol. thanks for your opinnion I am hoping it will open the eyes of some people… I just wish my parents would see it… Happy early/ on time bday haha… Im not sure what time it is in Austrailia (sp). Charlene

paint.me.pretty

May 5, 2005

ryn: yea, nel is pretty hot if I do say so mayself, and that picture is a really bad picture of him, it doesn;t do him justice 😉 he’s got a nice body to go with his nice face too lol

Birthdays ARE special. If someone doesn’t come to your birthday for no good reason then they’re not your real friends and NOT good enough for you! Good luck with the birthday thing. ~Liz

controlled chaos

May 30, 2005

I think everyone feels that fear. I know I do. It’s weird though that you’re comfortable with it. I wish I could be. Happy B-day:). ~Ally