BUILD UP TO ANOTHER NOTHING
It’s 5:15PM and I’ve eaten 170 calories today.
I cut last night. 4 long, joining cuts up my arm. it looks like i’ve been sewn up! 3 people have noticed my arm since i cut 2 weeks ago. here are the situations
- good friend: held my arm (it was face down) and must of felt the scars. then she started saying really loudly WATS ON YOUR RIST? i was like SH. and i think she got it.
- friend: We were talking about people who cut, and she went to look at my rist, but i wouldnt let her pick my hand up. she felt it and it was all bumpy not smooth. and she was like LET ME SEE but i wouldnt let her. it’s just too private.
- friend of a friend: i was walking and put my arm up and she was like wat happend to your arm? and i was like nothing! and practically ran off and linked arms with somebody else.
So ya those are the 3 people. and those are only the ones that have said somthing. there are probably a lot who havnt. I really want somebody who can help me to see. or somebody that will tell somebody who can help me. every time i’ve ever talked to somebody about this kind of thing, i’ve regreted it. I’m so scared that it’s gona be like that again. I dont think i’d be able to talk to anyone anyway because of that fear of feeling pathetic..needy…
so scared. i need to talk to somebody. i feel so pathetic. i feel like such a loser. i feel ugly. fat. nobody likes me, they’re just pretending. awkward. dumb. fake.helpless.nothing. i need release. i want to punch something hard and make my nuckles bleed. but even afterwards I would sit right back here, and type something just like this up on this site. nothing would have changed.
Let me lay a few words down for you that discribe cutting, distructive, useless, counterperductive, pointless, and dangerous. On the other hand talking about it or letting people help you is SMART, helpful, or at the very least it can’t hurt anything.
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Is there a counselor at school or something you could talk to? I always found it a lot easier to talk about this kind of thing with people I don’t know that well, because I didn’t care so much what they thought so I didn’t have to be so afraid of how they’d react. It’s still very, very hard, but it is worth it because there are therapies that can help you cope if you find the right person to ask.
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My teachers noticed my scars a few months ago, and it was discovered that I was cutting myself. They told my family. It was horrible, at first. At home, it’s embarrassing, but at least I know that I can talk to my teachers openly about it (now that they know) and they can help me. Please, talk to someone. It’ll help. Any kind of school counselor or even a close friend will be able to
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get you professional help (although you be selective in who you tell because you don’t know who you can really trust). You’re probably an amazing person. Get help for this before it takes a turn for the worst, God forbid. Update me about what happens. Good luck!
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You are not any of those things and you are deffinatly not week or pathetic. You just don’t have a different and not very productive way of dealing with negitive emotions. like many people, including myself. You can get help but you have to take the first step and ask. Go to your docter or ring the samaritains they can help. Don’t worry you are not alone. xxxxx
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