Happiness?!? Really?!?
In three short weeks, my life has completely turned upside down… I’ve actually been happy, genuinely happy, really happy, like actually fucking happy…. and it scares the shit out of me, cause I’m terrified that at any moment this will all come to an end, as if it were all a joke, a glimpse into what life could possibly be once you found the person that you’re supposed to spend the rest of it with. And then he smiles and I know it’s not a lie, and it’s not going to go away, because he’s not going to go away. I don’t quite know what to do with it, but I know that I love him more than anything. I love him more than I’ve loved anyone in a long, long time, at least anyone worth loving…
And it’s a real love… it’s not a possessive love, it’s not obsessive, it’s not controlling or confining… it’s not demeaning, or degrading… it’s not used to hurt me, to get things from me, to spend my money or move into my house… it’s not used to manipulate me or get me to odo things I don’t want to do or guilt me into sex or drugs or whatever else it is that they want from me. It isn’t used againt me… it’s used for me, to help me, to make me feel better, to build my confidence, to make me sane and to keep me safe.
He is the most wonderful person that I’ve met and he does the most wonderful things for me and he just kind of does them, i don’t ask him to, they just happen and i don’t understand it. He would do anything for me, and he does… he walks miles and miles just to come visit me at work, he spends all day looking for a job or for work so he can get some money so he can spend it on me…he cleans my house for me, for gods sake… like, the whole thing… cleaned… and cleaned very well… he takes care of the kittens when I forget to feed them… he takes care of my business for me… he cooks for me, every night… he gives me massages even though he was busy and working all day and he’s tired and sore and probably just wants to go to bed, but no, he takes the time to massage my feet so that I’ll feel better, even though I didn’t do anything to deserve it. He makes sure my garbage gets out every week, and changes the litter boxes… I’ll try to help but he won’t let me, just tells me to go sit down or play on the computer or read my book or whatever.. "You work, you don’t need to do anything, it’s my job to take care of you so go sit down."
And he understands me… he gets me… and he does everything he can to make sure that I’m happy, that the depression and the anxiety and the freakouts don’t take over everything… he won’t let me hurt myself, but he understands why i want to, because he does it too… I’ve never been with another cutter… it’s certainly different than what I’m used to… it’s a hard thing to fully understand when you’ve never really done it as a habit or form of release… people who aren’t just really dont get it, and you try to explain it and they try to understand but they don’t and they never will…. but he does, because he’s been there… There are times that I’ll run my fingers along the scars on him and I can actually see and feel him doing it, and his anger and frustration and hurt and lonliness at the time, and I just want to kiss them and hug him and heal all the pain inside him, even though I know I can’t… but then I imagine he’s thinking the same every time he kisses mine… which he does, every time… makes a point of it… and he’ll just stay, and hold me, for as long as I want or need him to… he’ll just hold me and love me and heal me… with his arms around me, wrapped warm and safe in his embrace, my heart doesn’t hurt, and my soul doesn’t ache… I don’t cry in the mornings when I wake up anymore, wishing that I had died in the middle of the night so I would never have to face this world again…. he makes it so that I actually want to wake up… I open my eyes and see him laying there and I just smile and snuggle up to him, happy to be there, and able to love him… he makes life worth living for me…
We’ve both had so much pain in our lives, so much hurt and so much loneliness, sadness…anger… we’ve both had people use us, abuse us, abandon us when they have no further use for us or we can’t give them what they want anymore… Is it possible that two people who have been so hurt by the world could possibly hope to heal each other and make each other whole? To make the world not such a dark and frightening place for each other? To give each other someone to love and hold and take care of, someone to live for, someone to wake up for in the morning, someone who makes everything world it and actually makes you want to be in it… I’ve never had that before… I’ve never really wanted to be here… people always used to ask me what I would change about myself if I could change one thing…. and my answer, every time without fail, would be "My Existence…" because I really didn’t fucking want to be here anyways… but he makes me want to be here… he makes me want to live, if for no other reason than I’ll get to curl up next to him at night, and know that I’m safe and loved and protected and that no one will ever hurt me again because they’d have to get through him first, and he would never let it happen.
It’s been so long since I’ve had someone to love, someone to really love, and someone who really loves me in return… yes, I loved The Boy, passionately and intensely, but the flame was too bright, and it ever did was burn me when I tried to get close to it… all my love for The Boy ever did was hurt me… and I accepted that, because love hurts, and for the most part, my experience confirmed that that’s what love is supposed to do, it’s supposed to hurt… sex is supposed to hurt, it’s supposed to be revolting and degrading, you’re supposed to feel like shit afterwards cause thats just how it is… you’re supposed to feel dirty and used, you’re supposed to feel like an object that exists for nothing more than the male’s pleasure, and you’re supposed to be discarded when his pleasure is over…. that’s how it always was, and so to me, it was normal… no, i didn’t like it, but thats just how it was and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it… but with him, it’s different… my love for him is a slow burning fire as opposed to an inferno, something warm and bright and welcoming, something thats always there, especially when you need it most, and it will always be there, something that you can always depend on that will never hurt you. It feels as though he’s been there forever, even though it’s only been a month… but it feels like he’s been in my life forever, and I can’t possibly imagine how
it would be to not have him there…. I look back, to three weeks ago and I remember the desolation, the loneliness, the misery, the lack of hope and faith, the acceptance that there is no way out and that nothing will ever get any better and there’s no chance for anything to ever change, or get better… this is my life and thats what it is… happiness was never a part of it… hope was never a part of it… goals were never a part of it… and dreams were dead, and long ago buried under a mountain of depression and abuse.
But it’s all different now… I have hope, and I have dreams, and goals and things I want to do, a place I want to go, and a person I want to be with… and I can’t imagine being there without him, cause it just wouldn’t be the same… he gives me someone to live for, something to live for… something that makes it all worth it in the end… all the effort, the repetativeness of every day, the harshness of the world, the cruelty that so many people throw on you… all of it is worth it simply because I get to be with him at the end of the day… and the look in his blue-gray eyes when he looks at me just melts my heart and always makes me smile… there’s so much love in that look, and devotion and passion, and desire… but mostly it’s just love, and caring… there’s so much love in him… I dont know how anyone could be stupid enough to treat him badly, to abuse him, to hurt him… In doing so they gave up the best thing that they ever had…
It’s been an adjustment period, to be sure… he never reacts the way that I expect him to… he doesn’t yell, he doesn’t get upset or throw a tantrum if I say no, he doesn’t reject me if I don’t open my legs for him, he doesn’t get angry with me if everything isn’t perfect… he doesn’t hurt me if he doesn’t get his way… he doesn’t force me to do what he wants to do… he never pushes me into something uncomfortable or something that I don’t want to do… he just holds me and loves me and tells me not to worry because everything is going to be okay…
It’s taken some time to learn to trust him… to really believe that he means what he says, and that he’s actually going to do what he says that he will… that he doesn’t lie and he doesn’t manipulate and he isn’t out to use me and hurt me… that he doesn’t just want me for my vagina, that he actually wants me for me… that I serve a purpose beyond physical pleasure… that he really does love me and that he really will do anything it takes to be with me… I haven’t been able to stop smiling since we got together… he just makes me happy… I don’t know how the fuck he does it, but I’m starting to believe in his magic…
I really don’t know how I got so lucky as to have him come into my life… I don’t understand this happiness, I don’t understand the love that he gives me so freely… I don’t understand what he sees in me, the neighborhood slut, the crazy bitch, the degenerate junkie who hurts everyone she touches and leaves destruction, pain and chaos in her wake… but he does, for some reason… and I want him more than anything… He’ll stay with me, forever and ever if I want him to, and I do… I couldn’t handle it if he were to leave me… not after I’ve seen what real love can be like, not after I’ve had such a brief taste of happiness and companionship and love… I would collapse in on myself and it just wouldn’t be good for anyone… I need him, I really need him… and I want him… and I love him, so fucking much it almost hurts… and I never want to hurt him, or be away from him…. I just want to be with him, and be happy, and get the fuck out of this trailer park so that we can start living our life together instead of wallowing in the past with all these people who can’t stand the sight of me if I’m not willing to fuck them…. I want to leave all of that behind and just live my life, with him, in happiness…
He is my other half, he is everything that I’m not, he makes me a whole instead of pile of broken pieces. He picked them all up and hot-glued them back together again, and he wrapped his arms around it and huggled until the sadness had all been squeezed out…. he put so much effort into getting me to give him a chance, and he’s put so much effort into proving himself to me, proving that he is what he says he is, and that he will take care of me. Proving that he loves me and that he’s willing to do anything for me. And he has proven himself, many times over… I never want to leave him, I couldn’t bear to be without him… I need him, like I’ve never needed anyone before… I want to be with him forever… and move to our little dream house in the middle of nowhere and have (god fucking forbid!!!) children with him and a family and a home and love and happiness…. we’ve both had so much pain in our lives, perhaps we finally found the one thing in life that can make us happy and whole… the one person that we’re supposed to be with forever… perhaps we’ve finally found where we belong, where we’re supposed to be, and the person that was made for us… maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to be one of those ‘lucky people’ … I suppose a little hope and optimism can’t hurt, too much..