Night

The most difficult time is at night.

We can have a really good day, like we did yesterday. There was a hug in the morning that lasted a little longer than a normal hug, like we were both holding on to something that we both missed. There were texts throughout the day, so many so that he asked me if I was okay because it was out of character. I thought of something profound, so I told him. I wanted to know what he was eating for lunch and had suggestions since we’re working together to help him lose weight, I talked to him about C’s illness and how I’d seemed to fix him with a cocktail of home remedies and medications. I wanted to make sure he knew that he was on my mind and he noticed.

He got off early and went to the endocrinologist with me. I find myself less irritated all the time and I think it’s because the Lamictal is starting to kick in. I’m so glad for that because right now I need to be calm and level headed, because he’s not. So I let him talk and yammer with the doctor and not once did I feel annoyed by how he just never stops. We were a team for our super hero, and we were doing good.

Then he surprised me with a dinner at a little Italian restaurant. He hates going out, and I hadn’t asked. I’d planned dinner and was just going to get L something to drink on the way home so that he could fill his little belly. But instead we went out, the three of us, and had a really enjoyable meal. He didn’t complain about the price or the location, he didn’t get irritated at L. When we left, we had to drive in separate cars and he hugged me before he left and kissed me on the side of the head and told me he loved me.

And then in the evening we hung out. We played a game together and took a walk to the pool and back. And then he became tired and distant.

He was tired, that is fair. And I’d spent the entire day trying my hardest not to push him because that’s what he’d asked for. But when I laid down in bed with him and he played his little mobile game, all I wanted was for him to pull me into his arms and hug me. I wanted to cuddle with him, but at that moment he wanted none of it. I cried, because after an entire day, the sadness I feel because of his apathy towards me is too much for me to carry any more. He doesn’t acknowledge my tears, if anything they just annoy him, and then I hurt even worse.

It’s silly because we had such a great day, but the night time is when I feel the most lonely. I want to go to bed with him like we used to, close and twisted around each other comfortably. I want a kiss. A real kiss that feels like something meaningful. I want to feel loved, not just be told that I’m loved. The day was good, but the night was hard. The night’s the worst because that’s when I start to feel empty.